Not like Eric. I didnt say that though, it was all far too serious. I simply remarked that the situation was serious.
Very serious, agreed Jeffrey.
Very serious, echoed Sir Humphrey.
We gazed thoughtfully at each other. So, I asked, what could happen if either of them were elected PM?
Something very serious indeed, replied Sir Humphrey carefully.
Very serious, agreed Jeffrey.
I see, I said, and waited.
Serious repercussions, mumbled the Chief Whip.
Sir Humphrey nodded. Serious repercussions, he emphasised.
Of the utmost seriousness, added Jeffrey, clarifying the situation.
In fact, said Sir Humphrey seriously, I would go so far as to say that it could hardly be more serious.
We all fell silent. So I decided to sum it up. I think were all agreed then, I said. This is serious.
They nodded. We were all in agreement.
The question was, what should happen next? Jeffrey had an answer. Weve got to have another candidate. Quick.
The Chief Whip, murmured Humphrey, wondered if you had any ideas.
As youre the Party Chairman, explained Jeffrey.
Naturally Bernards words were ringing in my ears. Why not go for the top job? Be the one who gets all the credit. But I couldnt suggest myself right away. They might think that I had delusions of grandeur. So I assumed a look of studied thought.
Its pretty difficult, I said. Were looking for someone pretty remarkable -- a potential Prime Minister. Someone whos sound.
Flexible, added Sir Humphrey.
Yes, I agreed. And normal, I remarked, bearing Erics predilections in mind, and knowing that I was unassailable on that score.
And, Jeffrey reminded us forcefully, wearing his Chief Whips hat, someone whos acceptable to both wings of the Party.
And someone who understands how to take advice, Minister, concluded Sir Humphrey.
The Cabinet Secretary and the Chief Whip looked at me politely, waiting for my suggestion. But I was not willing to suggest myself, just in case Id misread the signs.
Finally Jeffrey spoke. Have you considered doing the job yourself?
I pretended to be completely astonished. Me?
Why not? enquired Sir Humphrey.
Wouldnt you want to be Prime Minister? asked Jeffrey.
I decided to be modest. I explained that Id love it, but that I was not sure that I actually could do it.
Humphrey seemed to accept this far too easily. Perhaps this was not a good idea after all, he said, turning to Jeffrey.
I was forced to ask Humphrey what he meant. Perhaps you do not feel, Minister, that you are absolutely Prime Ministerial calibre.
I told Humphrey, very firmly, that I think that there is no doubt about that. Modesty forbids, but I have absolutely no doubt about my ability to do the job.
But Jeffrey said there was a fly in the ointment. You are a bit of an outsider. Unless you can stage-manage some sort of public success in the next few days.
I suggested that I merely start campaigning, and let people know I want the job.
Quite the reverse, I think, said Jeffrey. Better to let people know you dont want it.
I wondered if that would be enough. Jeffrey and Sir Humphrey were quite sure it would be provided that I let everybody know that I dont want it. Jeffrey offered to manage my campaign. If anyone asks me, I am simply to say that I have no ambitions in that direction.
And if anyone tries to trap me by asking if Id refuse to stand, Humphrey advised me that on previous occasions a generally acceptable answer has been that, while one does not seek the office, one has pledged oneself to the service of ones country and if ones colleagues persuaded one that that was the best way one could serve, one might reluctantly have to accept the responsibility, whatever ones own private wishes might be. (I wrote it down at the time.)
Finally, we got to the question of the election. It seemed to me that it would inevitably be a three-way election. But the Chief Whip thinks differently. He wants an unopposed election. Unity always goes down well with the public, and the Party would welcome a little unity too.
But there are two more flies in the ointment, namely Eric and Duncan. I suddenly realised the relevance of the Security files -- my two opponents have to be persuaded to withdraw. I asked Jeffrey if he was planning to have a word with them both.
I cant. He was insistent. I havent seen the files.
I asked Humphrey.
No, Minister. It is an internal party matter. It would be most improper.
The full horror of it now dawned upon me. They wanted me to force Eric and Duncan to withdraw. They want me to tell one of my colleagues that hes a swindler and the other that hes a pervert. I refused.
Humphrey said that I neednt say that at all, not in so many words. You can just let them know you know something.
It seemed hopeless. Theyll tell me to mind my own bloody business.
Jeffrey intervened. If they do, you must say that as Party Chairman its your duty to see that, if they stand, this information reaches those who need to know. The Party executive, its major contributors and elder statesmen. The Palace, perhaps. You must tell each of them that he has no alternative but to pull out and support someone who will protect him.
I could hardly believe my ears. Jeffrey wanted me to protect them?
Humphrey concurred, remarking that their private lives are nobody elses business as long as security is not involved.
I didnt quite have the stomach for this talk. Regretfully I told Humphrey and Jeffrey that I wouldnt couldnt do this. But Humphrey wasnt prepared to listen. He told me that, now that I know about them, I have no choice.
As no one else knows that I know, I said firmly, I intend to forget all about it.
Then Humphrey dropped his bombshell. That would be very courageous of you, Minister.
I was appalled! Courageous? I dont want to do anything courageous! Thats the kind of thing that finishes careers.
Sir Humphrey remained calm. If something were to happen and later it were to emerge that you had the information and suppressed it
I interrupted. Do you mean youd leak it? I was aghast!
Humphrey did not answer my question. It would be seen as covering up for your chums. Greater love hath no man than this, that he should lay down his career
I told him to stop threatening me.
He tried to soothe me. No, Minister, Im helping you.
Jeffrey mopped his shining forehead and blotted the top of his head. You see, Jim, there is one other quality that Prime Ministers need. The killer instinct.
Hes right. The killer instinct. But do I have it? Well see. Now that I know about Eric and Duncan, I have no choice but to stab them in the back.
Or the front.
Oh my God!
January 5th
Believing that there is no time like the present I rang Duncan this morning. I told him that I had something urgent to discuss with him about the contest for the Premiership. I refused to be drawn on the phone. Indeed, I could hardly have said what I had to say over the phone. But I tried to sound cheerful so that hed think I had good news.
He cancelled some appointments and showed up here at the flat after dinner. I poured him a small Scotch and me a large Scotch, and we sat in front of the fire. Id warned Annie and Lucy [Hackers daughter Ed.] to make themselves scarce.
Duncan was unusually cheerful. He raised his glass. Heres to Number Ten, eh?
Thanks, I said, without thinking. He gave me a funny look. I corrected myself somehow, drank up my Scotch and poured myself another biggie. I turned from the sideboard to see Duncan eyeing me with suspicion.
Whats up, Jim?
Duncan, I have a a problem.