Treaty, I repeated firmly.
But it is not committed, Humphrey was quite adamant here, to the institutions. Or to the practices. Or to individual policies. You were giving me an instance, just now, werent you, Minister?
He looked at me. This was my cue. But I couldnt imagine what he wanted me to say. He must have seen the panic in my eyes. About food production, he hinted.
I suddenly saw the plan! Yes. I fixed Maurice with my tough gimlet-eyed gaze. I discovered recently that one of your staff spends all his time paying people to produce food, and the man in the next office spends all his time paying people to destroy it.
Maurice was outraged. Thats not true.
Humphrey and I were surprised. A barefaced denial? How could this be, wed had the story from the horses mouths.
Not true? queried Humphrey.
No, said Maurice. Hes not in the next office. Not even on the same floor.
The Minister has hundreds of similar examples of the EECs nonsensical behaviour, continued Humphrey inexorably.
Hundreds, I agreed, trying to remember another.
And the nub of the problem, Maurice, is that the Minister is beginning to think that some member of the Cabinet ought to start telling the British people about them.
Maurice was angry now. But that would be intolerable, he cried. Even the Italians would not stoop so low.
I saw my chance, and went for the jugular. The Italians are not being asked to redesignate salami as Emulsified High-Fat Offal Tube.
Our cards were on the table. Was Maurice going to pickup the ball and run with it? Yes, he grasped the nettle with both hands. [Yet again Hackers mixed metaphors give us a special insight into the quality of intellectual coherence in the mind of one of our great national leaders Ed.]
What, enquired Maurice carefully, are you proposing? After all, we are committed to harmonisation. We cannot call it the sausage. What do you suggest?
I had no idea at all. What do you call a sausage if you cant call it a sausage? The whole point was that we should be able to call it a sausage. But I should have realised -- Humphrey had thought ahead.
Politics is about presentation. Cant we call it the British Sausage? he murmured.
A brilliant idea. Maurice tried it out in a few of the EEC languages. Saucisson anglais Salsicce inglese Britischerwurst. Dreadful show-offs, these Continentals. Mmm, yes, I think we could recommend that to the Commission.
Of course he could. It was an offer he couldnt refuse.
We wrapped up the meeting, all agreeing furiously that the EEC is an absolutely splendid institution. I even kissed Maurice on both cheeks.
After he left, I had a long think. Humphrey and Bernard suggested that I call a press conference of all the European correspondents, to tell them that Ive solved the Eurosausage problem.
But I have a much better idea. Solved problems arent news stories. For the press, bad news is good news. So why should I give them such a non-story? A solved Eurosausage problem is not going to catapult one into the leadership of the Party -- the public doesnt even know the problem exists, so why should they care if I solve it? No, Ive decided that tomorrow I shall give them news of a disaster. Theyll love that. Then when I give them a triumph a few days later Ill be a hero.
January 10th
Today I held an off-the-record, non-attributable briefing with the European correspondents.
The lobby system really is invaluable. The hacks are keen to get a story, yet lazy enough to accept almost anything that we feed them. I told them that we had a big problem coming up with Brussels. Since theyd be hearing about it anyway some day soon, I told them Id level with them now and given them the whole embarrassing story. They lapped it up!
Brussels, I said, is going to make the British sausage illegal under EEC regulations.
Bernard looked very worried, and passed me a hurried note reminding me that the EEC plan was not to illegalise the British sausage, but merely to prevent us calling it a sausage.
I crumpled up his note decisively. Bernard just doesnt understand politics. [Though he did understand the difference between truth and falsehood Ed.]
I threw the meeting open to questions. The first question picked up the same point. What do you mean, illegal?
I qualified my answer. Effectively illegal, I replied. Pork sausages will have to be seventy-five per cent lean pork, and beef sausages too.
Somebody from The Sun asked if beef sausages will have to be seventy-five per cent lean pork, too. Typical lobby correspondent. If he was the sole entrant in an intelligence contest, hed come third.
I explained that insisting that sausages contained seventy-five per cent lean meat would put them in the luxury foods bracket. The implications for the average wage-earner were all too clear.
One of them asked when this was to be promulgated. I told him: next month. Then, cunningly, I added that the EEC will probably deny it at the moment. In fact, they will probably try to tell the British press that they are only discussing changing the name of the sausage.
Finally, one of the reporters asked me what the government is going to do about it. I looked despairing, pathetic and helpless, and told him that I had no idea, that it is a big problem, and that I wouldnt pretend that we have an answer.
Then I sent them all out into the waiting room so that the Press Office could ply them with drinks. As they left, Bernard cornered me. Minister! You realise the press will be printing something that isnt true?
Really? I smiled at him. How frightful!
January 12th
It all went like clockwork. The story about the outlawed sausage has been all over the front pages for the last two days. Its caused a major political storm. All the commentators and pundits have been saying that, with the government and the party leaderless, the sausage could be a banana skin.
Everyones been saying that the succession is also unclear. Jeffrey has been quoted all week as an Unofficial Spokesman, an Informed Source, Feelings in the Party, Sources Close to the Leadership, and as a Growing Body of Opinion. His fingerprints are all over the stories in the press saying that the party is increasingly troubled by the fact that the two obvious candidates for the leadership represent the extreme wings of the party.
Ive been leaking a little myself, to the effect that pressure is mounting for both Eric and Duncan to withdraw in favour of a compromise candidate. Unfortunately, the lobby correspondents to whom Ive been chatting have not had the sense to name me as the aforesaid compromise, but have foolishly added their own comments to the effect that none of the contenders has so far caught the public imagination. It is astonishing how you have to spell everything out to journalists. And not only cant they draw the simplest conclusions, they cant even quote me correctly: I actually said moderate not compromise.
Ive planned a big press turnout for my constituency speech tomorrow night. BBC News and 1TN are going to be there. Bernard asked me why they were so interested in fire and safety policy in government.
I didnt answer. But Im sure he will not be surprised if I talk about other issues as well.
[Hackers big speech did indeed attract a full press, radio and TV turnout. Sources Close to the Minister had hinted that he was going to make a major policy speech, and it was clear to all in Fleet Street that this meant that he was mounting a bid for the leadership. Much was to hang on how well Hackers speech went that night. The result was exactly as Hacker had hoped and planned, as can be detected from the triumphant tone of his diary Ed.]
January 13th
I have a feeling that tonight I clinched the leadership of the party and, if I did, its only a matter of time before Im in Number Ten. Today was Friday the thirteenth, and thirteen is my lucky number. [But perhaps not the United Kingdoms Ed.]