I was overcome. Overwhelmed. In fact, I am not ashamed to admit that I wept. Fortunately, Humphrey couldnt quite see that, as I had the good sense to cover my eyes with my handkerchief.
But he certainly noticed I was upset, and he asked me what the matter was. I was hopelessly inarticulate. I tried to explain how sorry I was, that wed had our ups and downs but they were nothing really. They I sort of noticed Humphrey eyeing me as if I were emotionally unstable.
Minister, dont take on so, he remonstrated. Well see each other regularly -- once a week at least.
I thought Id misheard him. But he was smiling a confident smile. My brain was in a whirl. What could he possibly mean? Had I totally misunderstood him?
I havent told you where Im going yet.
I goggled at him.
Ive been appointed Secretary of the Cabinet.
I had totally misunderstood him. Secretary of the Cabinet?
Yes. Now he looked as confused as I must have looked. Why, what did you think I meant?
I could hardly tell him, could I? I thought I thought Then I gave up and tried to explain it all away by hinting that I wasnt quite myself, tired, overwrought, that sort of thing. Ive honestly never been so embarrassed in the whole of my life.
Sir Humphreys sympathy, unlike mine, is to be avoided at all costs. Im so sorry, he murmured. Perhaps as Cabinet Secretary designate I should suggest to the Prime Minister some lightening of the load.
Thatll teach me to have kindly feelings towards him. Ill never make that mistake again! I hastened to reassure him that I was absolutely fine. I congratulated him warmly, even effusively, on his elevation. I may even have been too effusive, but I dont think so. I even flattered him a little, by asking how I would manage without him.
Youll probably manage even better without me, he replied with uncharacteristic honesty. I was about to agree enthusiastically, but I realised, just in time, that it would be a little tactless.
Also, it was already clear to me that Humphrey, when it was time for a reshuffle, would inevitably be advising the Prime Minister on his Cabinet colleagues. The PM would be bound to question Humphrey about me.
So I gave him a lot of soft soap about how wonderful hed been, how I had tremendous admiration for all hed done, wonderful work in the highest traditions of the service. Fulsome twaddle, but he lapped it up and told me I was too kind. Too true!
Carefully, I gave him the chance to reciprocate, by saying that in my opinion wed done a pretty good job together. I couldnt have wished for a better Minister, Minister, he said. Jolly nice, that. And I think he means it. Humphreys pretty devious but Ive never caught him out in an actual lie.
[Sir Humphrey Applebys diary reveals a somewhat different view of the conversation that Hacker describes above Ed.]
I told the Minister that I had to pass on to pastures new, and put myself at the service of the PM. I tried to express it with a sadness that I did not feel, in order that Hacker should not perceive the sense of delight and relief that I was experiencing now that my sentence of several years hard labour with him was nearly over. I had not been expecting to be paroled.
He reacted in a way which genuinely makes me wonder if he is emotionally unbalanced. He seemed to be weeping. He is obviously a serious hysteric. This had not been clear to me until today.
It took him some time to understand my new job, so upset was he at the thought of losing me. But then he grovelled in a deeply embarrassing fashion. He asked if Id be doing for the Prime Minister what I did to him. He must have meant for him. [We dont think so Ed.] He smarmed and greased his way through a bootlicking speech about how much he admired me and how wonderful Id always been. Perfectly true, of course, but his motives were completely transparent.
He invited me to return the compliment. The best I could manage was to assure him that I couldnt have wished for a better minister. He seemed positively thrilled. Remarkably, he still takes everything I say at face value.
We agreed that Id tell the DAA staff of my departure on Friday evening, just before my new appointment is promulgated. Then I can bid them all farewell at the Christmas drinks party.
Hacker said that that will certainly make it a happy occasion. Obviously he means for me. Of course it will be sad for him.
[Appleby Papers/PPC/MPAA]
[Hackers diary continues Ed.]
December 18th
This has been a highly dramatic weekend. It all started on Friday evening. We had a little drinks party in my offices at the end of the day. We had all the chaps from my private office and Humphreys private office in for some Christmas cheer, plus Roy my driver and a couple of messengers and cleaners. These are egalitarian times.
I gave them all their House of Commons mints, or bottles, and they all seemed pleased though not a bit surprised. Then we all had a few drinks, not too much, and I proposed Humphreys health in a charming speech which, though I say it myself, went very well. He complimented me in turn and we all drove home.
SIR BERNARD WOOLLEY RECALLS [in conversation with the Editors]:
Hackers diary is a less than accurate account of that Christmas party. I remember it well. It was the usual initial embarrassment -- all of us standing around in an inarticulate circle, clutching sticky sherry glasses, in a freezing room because the central heating had already been turned off for the Christmas break. As at all office parties, we had nothing to say to each other socially, and foolish grins predominated until we realised that the Minister was, predictably, getting drunk.
He poured lavish drinks and finally asked us all, not once but several times, if we were having a good time.
I recall that he asked Sir Humphrey if he were looking forward to the Cabinet Office. Sir Humphrey enthused, but added kindly that everyone was still very excited over the vexed question of the Eurosausage.
Ah yes, slurped the Minister, the Eurobanger.
Sir Humphrey was unable to resist a little joke at Hackers expense and replied that surely the Eurobanger was NATOs new tactical missile.
Is it? asked Hacker, confused, not getting the joke. This increased the general embarrassment factor tenfold.
Then, at last, the moment we all dreaded: Hackers speech of farewell to Sir Humphrey. Hackers belief, revealed in his diaries, that he made a charming speech which went well is a startling example of self-deception even by his own unique standards.
He began by saying that he had to say a few words -- always an understatement, I fear. He babbled on about how Christmas is a special time for us all, peace and goodwill to all men and so forth, and how it is always a pleasure to have a little seasonal get-together for those who serve him. He clumsily amended serve to help.
He thanked them all for their help, everybody from the Permanent Secretary right down to my messenger, my driver, the cleaner not down to, that is, only down in the sense that Humphreys up here on the fourth floor, oh no! we dont have any litism here.
He must noticed that we were staring at him in some disbelief, as he hastened to explain himself still further. Were all equals, he said with transparent dishonesty. A team. Like the Cabinet, except that were all on the same side. No backstabbing, no leaking to the press. Realising that he was being quotably disloyal to his Cabinet colleagues, and that even though he was arguing that we were all on the same side with no backstabbing or leaking there might nevertheless be amongst the gathering an unofficial spokesman or an informed source, or perhaps a feeling that he was being a bad team player by criticizing his Cabinet colleagues, he added, I mean, the Shadow Cabinet. Then he retracted even that. No. No. Must keep politics out of it. Peace and goodwill. Even towards ones officials, especially those who are leaving. So to Humphrey. He raised his glass unsteadily.