A most interesting meeting was held today. Present were Sir Humphrey, Bernard, Sir Frank and Dorothy Wainwright. Oh, and me, of course. I learned that Humphrey is a loyal, unselfish servant. Im not sure about Frank.
Frank began the meeting by asserting that Civil Service pay has fallen significantly behind comparable jobs in industry. When I asked which comparable jobs, he avoided giving me a specific answer, and said that it was quite a complex formula which has been generally accepted for some time.
I confronted him with facts. According to my figures, I informed him, a Permanent Secretary is already getting something over forty-five thousand a year. And the Cabinet Secretary and the Permanent Secretary to the Treasury get over fifty-one thousand pounds.
Frank hedged. Maybe youre right, he said with a weak smile.
Ludicrous. Doesnt he know how much he earns? Or has it temporarily slipped his mind, perhaps?
I turned to Humphrey, sitting on my right at the Cabinet table, and asked him for his view.
He was cautious. Rightly so. Its not for me to say really, Prime Minister. I have a vested interest and Sir Frank is in charge of Civil Service pay. Arent you, Frank?
At least Humphrey had the decency to declare his interest. Dorothy, sitting on my left, spoke next.
May I ask a question, Prime Minister? I nodded. She stared hard at Frank, across the table. Sir Frank, what deduction do you make for job security?
He was startled. This was obviously a question hed not been asked before and was not expecting.
Dorothy explained further. Top people in industry can get sacked. Pushed out in take-overs, their firms can go bust. But your jobs are guaranteed.
He hedged again. Well, there are swings and roundabouts.
What about the roundabouts? Dorothy asked acidly.
Frank explained that top Civil Servants may have guaranteed jobs, but they have great pressure and long hours.
Dont they have those in industry? Dorothy wanted to know. Then she looked at me and added: Anyway, industrial leaders have to take decisions and stand by them.
This angered Frank. His cheeks acquired small pink spots. So do Civil Servants, he retorted.
Dorothy turned on him nastily. Really? I thought that Ministers took the decisions.
And the blame, I chimed in. Thats the deal, isnt it?
Frank didnt really know whether to ask all these rhetorical questions or not. Yes well Ministers do, of course, take the decisions, he acknowledged. But Civil Servants have to decide how to carry them out.
Dorothy went for the jugular. Like a secretary deciding how to lay out a letter?
Yes, said Frank. No, he said, changing his mind instantly. And he appealed for help: I think Sir Humphrey knows what I mean.
Humphreys eyes were firmly fixed on the blank sheet of paper lying in front of him on the table. Well, Frank, its up to you, youre in charge of Civil Service pay.
Dorothy passed me a note. It said What about the service element?
I stared coldly at Frank. What about the service element? I asked.
Service element? he repeated. What do you mean, service element?
I wasnt quite sure what I meant, or what Dorothy meant. Im sure it didnt show, though. I turned casually to Dorothy and indicated that she might speak for me.
There is a strong service element about the job, she began briskly, which is rewarded by honours -- CBs, KCMGs, knighthoods.
To an extent, conceded Frank with caution.
Dorothy turned to me again. You see, Prime Minister, I wonder whether we shouldnt compare civil servants with directors of charities rather than industry. I think, she was rustling through all her papers, that they get about seventeen thousand.
I smiled. Thats an interesting proposal.
Indeed it was. Frank was looking panicked. Humphrey wasnt looking any too pleased either.
I dont think well, wed never recruit, said Frank in a voice that was noticeably half an octave higher. Morale would plummet Im sure Sir Humphrey would agree.
Humphrey stayed silent.
I looked at him. Humphrey? I enquired.
Well, Prime Minister, my opinion is that he looked up at Frank, with a distinctly unsupportive look in his eyes, Sir Frank is in charge of Civil Service pay. Though I do think, Frank, that the Prime Minister is entitled to an answer.
Frank was visibly startled by this reply. He tried another weak smile. Nobody else at the table smiled.
The question of index-linked pensions was also on Dorothys notes. I raised it next. Frank dismissed that as completely irrelevant. Those were agreed a long time ago.
But they have a considerable value, I asserted.
He was disparaging. A value, yes. But modest.
I picked up one of the papers in the superb brief that Dorothy had prepared for this meeting. I have an estimate here that it would cost 650,000 to buy back a Permanent Secretarys pension.
Frank smiled again. Thats absurd!
How would you value it? asked Dorothy.
Frank was foolish enough to suggest a figure. About 100,000.
I pounced. In that case, Frank, Ill make you an offer. The government will buy back your pension -- and anybody elses who will sell -- at your valuation. Well give you a hundred thousand, cash, in exchange for your pension rights. Is that a deal?
Frank was by now doing the well-known Civil Servant impression of a headless chicken. Well, I mean, no, I was talking off the top of my head, it could be, that is, I havent calculated it myself.
Dorothy threw another dart straight at the bullseye. The figure of 650,000 came from the Society of Insurance and Pension Actuaries.
Yes, but when it was agreed, whined Frank helplessly, Im sure it was nothing like that.
Dorothy was relentless. She had yet another idea. What about having index-linked pensions as an alternative to honours? Every Civil Servant could choose which way he wanted to take his reward -- honours or cash!
But thats preposterous! shrieked Frank.
Why? asked Dorothy.
I wanted the answer to that question too. It sounded like a damned good idea to me. On my right, Humphrey was looking very tight-lipped and was conspicuous by his silence. Even Bernard was turning pale. I was thoroughly enjoying myself.
It was left for Frank to defend the indefensible. Such a choice would, it would, it, er, it would put us, er, put them in an impossible position. I mean, what about those who already have honours?
Dorothy, of course, had an answer to that. Clearly she had worked out every implication in advance. Its quite simple. They could choose whether to renounce their honour or renounce their pension index-linking. She leaned forward and smiled cheerfully across me at Sir Humphrey. What do you think, Sir Humphrey -- or will you be Mr Appleby?
Humphrey was not amused. He had expected Frank to perform better than this -- his own salary increase and honours were now under attack. Im sure Sir Frank has gone into this very thoroughly, he said.
Not thoroughly enough, I said. Frank, you personally would make a lot of money out of this pay claim, wouldnt you?
Frank spluttered with indignation. Prime Minister, that is not a consideration, he said. Which means yes, presumably.
Dorothy treated Frank to one of her acid smiles. You mean youd be happy to be personally excluded from this rise?
Frank was speechless. She turned to Humphrey. Im sure the Cabinet Secretary would be, wouldnt you, Humphrey?
I was sorry for Humphrey, but he was in a rather awkward position. He stammered and stuttered about precedents, and thinking of the service as a whole, and considering long-term points of view. Then suddenly he found a brilliant way out. Yes! he said, suddenly and very firmly. I would agree to be excluded from the pay rise if, and only if, the government did believe that senior people should be paid less than their subordinates, and if they extended the principle to Cabinet Ministers and their junior ministers.