There seemed to be no way out. We couldnt get more investment without cutting interest rates. Yet how could we cut them? There was a case for bringing interest rates down -- and a case for keeping them up. Dorothy wanted them brought down in the interests of social justice -- but social justice is just another word for inflation.
Cant you lean on the Chancellor to lean on the Treasury to lean on the Bank of England to lean on the High Street Banks? she wanted to know.
It seemed rather a tall order to accomplish all that in the remaining twenty minutes before I went on. My option was to announce the appointment of the Lay Preacher, Mr Clean, Alexander Jameson, in the hope of HACKER TAKES NO MORE NONSENSE FROM THE CITY headlines.
[Hackers intention to make this announcement even when he was well aware of the risk involved was a result of what is known to the logicians in the Civil Service as the Politicians Syllogism :
Step One:We must do something.
Step Two:This is something.
Step Three:Therefore we must do this.
Logically, this is akin to other equally famous syllogisms, such as:
Step One:All dogs have four legs.
Step Two:My cat has four legs.
Step Three:Therefore my dog is a cat.
The Politicians Syllogism has been responsible for many of the disasters that befell the United Kingdom in the twentieth century, including the Munich Agreement and the Suez Adventure Ed.]
There was only one thing puzzling me: Humphrey knew I was about to deliver my most important speech since my elevation to Number Ten. Why had he chosen this moment to introduce me to the Burandan High Commissioner?
I was soon to learn. They bustled into the dressing-room and were no sooner seated than Humphrey jumped right in at the deep end.
The High Commissioner, he began, is concerned at the rumour that you intend to appoint Alexander Jameson to the Bank of England, who will inevitably start an investigation into Phillips Berenson.
I couldnt see how this could affect Buranda, and I said so. Phillips Berenson was a shady bank that lent sixty per cent of its money to three foreigners of dubious repute, I pointed out.
The High Commission spoke. Two of those three foreigners were the President of Buranda and the Chairman of the Buranda Enterprise Corporation.
Thank you, Humphrey Appleby, for dropping me in it like that. Ah, I replied thoughtfully.
The High Commissioner did not beat about the bush. If you attack these loans the President of Buranda will have no option but to interpret this move as a hostile and racist act.
Racist? I couldnt believe my ears.
Of course, replied the Burandan High Commissioner. He seemed to have no doubt on the matter.
I tried to explain. I I wouldnt dream of attacking your President per se, I would merely
I was lost for words. Bernard made a suggestion. You would merely say that he was of dubious repute? I silenced him with a look.
May I further point out, continued the implacable Burandan, that a racist attack on our President would undoubtedly create solidarity and support from all the other African States.
Commonwealth countries, Prime Minister, Humphrey reminded me unnecessarily.
We could move to have Britain expelled from the Commonwealth. Our President would be obliged to cancel her Majestys State visit next month, and Buranda would immediately sell all the British Government stock that it has bought.
I turned to Humphrey and whispered, Would that cause a run on the pound?
He nodded gravely. Then he turned invitingly to the high Commissioner. Anything else?
Isnt that enough? I snapped at Humphrey. I indicated that the meeting must end because of my imminent appearance on stage. I thanked the High Commissioner, and promised that Id give his words the most serious attention.
I kept Humphrey in the room after the African diplomat had left. I was livid! How dare you put me in this position? I shouted.
Stubbornly, he stuck to his guns. Its not me, Prime Minister, its Buranda. And the Commonwealth Club is yet another reason for not opening up this can of worms.
I was furious. The President of Buranda is a crook! He doesnt belong to the Commonwealth Club, he should be blackballed.
He already is, isnt he? said a smiling Bernard. Sorry, he added at once, just before I throttled him.
I was angrier with Humphrey than Id ever been before. Humphrey, what are you playing at? I dont get it! Why are you so adamant that I should allow another cover-up in the City? Whats in it for you?
Humphreys reply seemed both desperate and sincere. Nothing, Prime Minister, I assure you. I have no private ulterior motive. Im trying to save you from yourself. Im on your side.
How can we believe that? said a sceptical Dorothy, who clearly didnt.
Because this time its true, cried Humphrey revealingly. We stared at him. I mean, this time I am particularly on your side.
I had reached the end of my tether. I knew I had to say something good in my speech. I could think of nothing other than announcing that the lay preacher would become Governor of the Bank.
How about announcing a cut in interest rates? said Humphrey.
I was about to tell him not to be silly when I realised, from the expression on his face, that he literally had a concrete realistic proposal up his sleeve. [Not literally, we presume Ed.] But I couldnt see how it was to be done. Jameson will never agree to a cut in interest rates for political reasons, I told Humphrey.
Desmond Glazebrook would, said Humphrey. If you made him Governor of the Bank of England, hed cut Bartletts Bank interest rates in the morning. You could announce both in your speech.
How do you know?
Hes just told me. Hes here. Hell allow you to be first with the good news.
I was literally torn. [Hacker had his own non-literal meaning of the word literally Ed.] I was genuinely confused about what would be right. [On the contrary, Hacker knew that it would be right for the country if he appointed Jameson. He was perhaps referring to the fact that it would be right for himself, or his party, to choose Glazebrook. And politicians frequently labour under the misapprehension that what is right for them personally is by definition what is right for their country Ed.] My problem will be that Sir Desmond was such an improbable choice for Governor. He is such a fool. He only talks in clichs. He can talk in clichs till the cows come home.
Dorothys disapproval was aimed, fair and square, at Humphrey. Its jobs for the boys, she accused him.
He shrugged. He couldnt deny it. But he pointed out that a cut in interest rates would give me a considerable success in my speech.
Dorothy was thinking ahead. Wont a cut in interest rates mean that prices will go up?
Shes right, of course, but frankly at that moment I just didnt care, so long as I got a standing inflation. [We believe that Hacker meant ovation, but after serious consideration we elected to print his slip of the tongue because it is so revealing Ed.]
Dorothy seemed bitterly disillusioned. So you dont want an honest man in charge of the City?
This struck me as unfair. Desmond Glazebrooks not exactly dishonest. Its just that hes too thick to understand when hes being honest and when hes not. The fact remains, I said, as I prepared to walk on stage, that the Government simply cannot work without the good will of the City. Can it?
No Prime Minister, said Humphrey.
And theres no point in upsetting them needlessly, is there?
No Prime Minister.
Dorothy, I said, fix my speech to announce the cuts in interest rates. Humphrey, get Sir Desmond up here at once.
Yes Prime Minister, they chorused. Within two minutes Desmond had the job, and I was on TV. I got a six-minute ovation. Proof positive that I had made the right decision.
POWER TO THE PEOPLE