Her breath stopped in her lungs. "You appear to have been doing fine for the last month."
"I have?" His lips twisted ruefully. "I doubt if I got more than a few hours' sleep a night during the entire month. I've discovered that being in bed with you is very habit-forming." He bent forward and brushed her temple gently with his lips. "I may not ever be able to sleep without you again."
"Don't do this to me, Philip. I'm not a little girl to be given presents because I'm hurt." She glanced significantly at the door that led to the Khadim suite. "You weren't handing out any gifts earlier tonight." Her hand reached up to touch her throat, which felt naked without the medallion. "You were taking them away. Is Miss Lenat still here?"
His face tightened with pain, and she noticed for the first time how pale and haggard he looked. "No, she left almost immediately. Natalie isn't obtuse. She realized I was only using her as a way to hurt you." He removed his arm and rolled away from her. "She congratulated me on my ability to do that. She said that I had hurt you very much." He sat up on the side of the bed, his back turned to her. She couldn't see his face, but every muscle and tendon of his spine was taut with an agonizing tension. "She was right. I did it very well, didn't I?"
"Yes." Her voice was low. "You never do things halfway. I thought I was dying, and then I thought it would be better to die than to hurt that much."
He stood up and walked over to the chest across the room, his movements oddly jerky for a man so well coordinated. "You could have died." His voice was muffled. He took something from the top of the chest and was walking toward her again. His face was drawn, the skin pulled tightly over his high cheekbones. He knelt on the floor beside the bed. "I almost killed you."
"No, I was stupid," she said gently. "I shouldn't have let you drive me away like that. I thought I was so strong, but I seemed to break into a million pieces when you took my medallion away."
"God!" The exclamation was torn from him. He lifted her hand from the bed and laid the back of it against his cheek. "So did I." He rubbed her hand back and forth. His skin was slightly abrasive against the smoother flesh of her hand. "It was like dying or being born." He closed his eyes. "Maybe something like that did happen in the study tonight."
"I don't know what you mean."
"I mean I felt as if everything I'd ever known or believed about myself was suddenly torn away, leaving me naked and alone." He turned her hand over and pressed a kiss into her palm. "I'm going to have to start all over and I don't know how to go about it. Will you help me, Pandora?"
"What are you trying to tell me?" she whispered.
He laughed harshly. "I'm trying to tell you I love you. I'm not doing it very well, am I?"
Her eyes widened in shock. "You love ..."
"I don't know why you're so surprised." His lips curved in a rueful smile. "You always told me that I did."
"I know I did," she said dazedly. "It's just that it's happened so fast. I have to think about it."
"Well, while you're thinking about it"—he raised his hand and slipped the medallion he held around her neck—"wear this. It belongs to you." His fingers fumbled with the catch. "It will always belong to you."
"No." She suddenly put her hand up to stop him. "I don't want to put it back on." She moistened her lips nervously. "Not right now."
He went still. "Why not?"
Her eyes held bewilderment and a hint of pain. "I'm not sure. I don't think I trust you, Philip."
He flinched as if she'd struck him. "I suppose I deserve that," he said hoarsely. "But I don't think I've ever told you anything but the truth." His lips twisted mirthlessly. "Except when I told you I didn't want you. I lied through my teeth about that."
Her gaze was grave. "No, you've never lied to me before, but I don't think you've ever felt this guilty before. You have the idea that you're responsible for what happened to me tonight. It's not true, but I think it's shaken you just the same."
"It was my fault, dammit. And I feel guilty as hell, but that doesn't have anything to do with what I'm telling you."
"Don't you see? I can't be sure of that." Her lips were trembling as she tried to smile. "I want to take you at your word, but I think I found out something tonight too."
His eyes darkened with sudden pain. "That you don't love me after all?"
"No, that will go on forever," she said quietly. "It's too much a part of me to ever stop." She drew a deep breath. "No, it was about myself that I learned something. I found out that loving you wasn't enough, that I had to love myself as well. Ever since I met you I've been trailing you like a shadow. I thought just being close to you would make me happy. But I found out tonight that wasn't true. I need you to love me as much as I love you." She lifted her chin. "I'm pretty damn special. I deserve to be loved."
"I do love you," Philip said with a frown. "What the devil do you think I've been saying?"
"I have to be sure. It would tear me apart if I was fooled into thinking pity and guilt were love. I would rather be without you entirely than have that happen."
"So what do we do now? Am I supposed to go out and fight a dragon to prove my love?"
"Well, perhaps just a little dragon." A tiny smile was tugging at her lips. "For you, it will probably be worse than slaying a dragon. I want you to wait. I want time to make sure that you're capable of giving me what I'll give you. I know how you usually go after whatever you want. Your campaigns resemble Alexander's conquest of Persia." She paused. "I don't want to be invaded. I want to make my own decision."
"The decision's made. I love you, you love me. Why be so stupid as to waste any more time?" He suddenly smiled with beguiling warmth. "Someone told me recently that we're not getting any younger."
"That someone did a lot of growing up tonight," she said soberly.
The smile faded from his face. He kissed her palm one more time before placing it on the bed. "Yes, I imagine you did," he said wearily. "All right, you'll have your time. I promise I won't push." His voice was suddenly fierce. "For now. But don't expect my patience to last forever. Two weeks and then the invasion begins." His eyes were narrowed and glittering on her face. "And I never particularly admired Alexander's campaign strategy. I always thought Hannibal's march across the Alps was much bolder and more innovative." He rose to his feet. "Two weeks. Then we'll be married and start living happily ever after."
"Married?" she asked faintly.
He frowned haughtily. "Of course, what else? I told you I loved you, didn't I?" He swung the golden medallion in his hand. "It's obvious that I'm going to need more than this to hold you from now on. We'll see what a marriage ceremony will do."
"If I decide to marry you," she said serenely, "it will be when I'm asked politely, not told."
"We'll see." He looked reckless. "I don't recall that Hannibal asked the Alps if they wanted to be crossed."
She shook her head resignedly. So much for Philip's chastened mood. "Philip ..."