‘Yes I do really mean that. But do not let your eyes pop out.’
‘They are not popping out. But that would be most cordially splendid of you. And I do really most marvellously appreciate your so beautifully refurbishing my suit. You are, aren’t you, a really clever lady. You really are.’
‘Well really. Then you really come. And really flattery will get you far. And really right into the bath which really I shall as you say really draw for you. Which really stinks of dead mice.’
‘You mustn’t madam. I can’t help it if I really get excited.’
‘But ah I really like it when you do. I really do.’
‘And I shall never say that word again.’
‘Unless of course you are. Really excited.’
Darcy Dancer in his mother’s racing colours. Behind this bathroom door firmly locked. Candles burning in the chill steam rising from the copper. Disrobing before Miss von B. Was throbbingly thrilling. It really was. To have one’s penis stand up towards the ceiling pointing at her belt buckle. It felt distinctly ticklish, for want of a better word to use. And I do believe Miss von B was casting brief admiring looks at it. As I made it twitch up and down. She seemed to take such instant open hearted interest in such things. As often she would remark quite casually upon the enormity of Thunder and Lightning’s engorged penis when we had occasion to be together near that now sadly departed stallion. Who got an erection immediately any lady came within sniffing distance. Madam also had a certain fearlessness which was devilishly attractive. That she might do whatever I might saucily off the top of my head suggest to her.
‘Would you grab it madam. Please.’
‘Ah you are always so in readiness with that, are you not.’
‘It is I think merely the gush of blood to that part due to the bathroom chill.’
‘It is just as I say, your randiness. And you are twitching it.’
‘But your merely taking hold of it might calm it down.’
‘You devil.’
Although my penis kept mightily rigid I pretended that one was not in the least excited. After all one had posed this way for artists. But I was most embarrassed just as I, while lifting my leg to climb into the bath, without warning, hopelessly unintentionally but loudly and at length, farted. One bang followed about four others. And in utter anguished mortification I lowered myself to nearly drowning in the water and watched as she sniffed and then brought her finger pinching both her nostrils closed.
‘Peewewew.’
‘I do, my god, madam apologize. Honestly. I really do. It just came out.’
‘Ah but I really think at least you did it with a certain aristocratic charm. That is what matters my darling. My Darcy. My Dancer. It was just perhaps a trifle too big a bang for it to be royal but it was aristocratic enough.’
‘I do thank you for letting me off so easily. You could have pretended to be quite offended and I wouldn’t have in the least blamed you.’
‘Such things my dear darling are the real music of love. And often such tunes play long after the kisses have stopped.’
‘My goodness that is madam an awfully nice turn of phrase. You really are a one. Aren’t you. O dear that word again.’
Miss von B had with her a most elegant pedicure outfit in a black crocodile case, vaguely resembling one belonging to my mother. Pearl handled silver little instruments. Each with a coronet on the handle. Which did appear to be that of a Duke. But one has had enough of that thorny subject and that’s when I think I expanded my chest in order to present a muscular image to her which exertion put pressure on my belly and made me break wind. Serves me jolly right for showing off. I should have been enough content to enthrall Miss von B with my elevated penis. As the tip top of it was now doing as a periscope, lying back in these hot waters. Miss von B leaning over me smiling. Taking each of my hands in hers and with my wrist over the edge of the bath resting on a towel as she clipped my nails one by one. Pushing back the skin to show, she said, a little bit of moon. Then filing each gently round. Such divine deliciousness of the pressure of her fingertips on mine. Then taking each foot up over the side of the bath. And from each toe the nail was trimmed. She had rather to struggle a bit to cut my main ones.
‘Like elephant tusk these are.’
‘But that’s what we Irish use to dig our potatoes with.’
Miss von B flicked bath water in my face and then frowned and made a mock funny expression with her mouth. It was quite damn easy to keep her amused in fact. And the muscles flexed along her forearm and the white neat scar there. She’s so absolutely right. They were indeed rather long and thick. Resting my head back against the soft slipperiness of the copper I could see Miss von B was really putting her all into pressing together the scissor handles. And when she leaned back on her heels to take a much needed rest she was more than somewhat impressed with the Thormond coat of arms emblazoned on the bath. At least it was a little evidence of our ancestral haughtiness that one must not lightly overlook. One did not want to resurrect our social fencing match but I thought it was as well that it was made known especially in view of her coronet on her pedicure instruments.
‘Ah I shall agree my sweet fellow it is quite haughty. And of course it has the simplicity of those escutcheons which carry the most ancient distinctions.’
Quite obviously one must accept that one is the product of one’s antecedents and Miss von B had previously rather made one feel rather socially less esteemed. So her observation certainly made me feel much much better. Although good god, with one so lazily warm in the bath, I was feeling so damn good anyway. Recovered from death. Clonking the gunman and nearly committing my first murder. A temporary horse thief and highwayman. But then one must suppose that everyone really is trying to knock or demean you somehow. And whatever it is one may profess to be. How pleasant for a change, to have a little social flattery. So many have so little of anything. Like poor Lois. All she wanted she said, was someone to love and love her. And good lord, it seems that simply everyone is running around looking for that. Makes for such a ruddy mêlée. With people bumping indiscreetly into each other all over the place.
‘And now shall we wash your hair.’
‘Yes please, indeed do.’
‘And we hope we shall not get too much of Edna Annie’s strong soap in your eyes.’
‘Madam when you were in Dublin, what was your life like.’
‘It was work. It was sometimes funny, sometimes sad and sometimes highly irritating. Now just put back your head.’
‘When was it irritating.’
‘When these women come in for their hats who think they are the cat’s whiskers. Now close your eyes.’
‘Surely that must have been unpleasant, having social inferiors in a position to command you about.’
‘O perhaps. How is one to mind about such things. If you want their money, then you must give them what they want. And you cannot then pretend to be better than them.’
‘And did you have gentlemen friends.’
‘Ah but that is none of your business. Back again with your pretty head please.’
‘I am merely inquiring about your life. In which, if you don’t mind my saying, it is not in the least unusual, considering our relationship, that I should take an interest.’
‘Ah well then. My life. I shall speak of. But not the gentlemen in it. For there is a rule which women are unwise to break. And that is to talk of men to other men. There were of course parties. Every night. They bring back drink from the pub. Everyone becoming drunk. So boring. They sing, then they argue. Then they fight. Then they wash off the blood, shake hands. And drink again. And then fight. Night after night it is like that.’