‘Now Mr Kildare, we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. That there was no threatening language up there at the time of the discharge of the firearm which was in every way unintentional. But it wouldn’t do for the good look of things for persons who live in big houses using firearms on persons who live in small houses.’
‘I quite understand Sergeant.’
‘But sure you’re bound to hear great exaggeration. But we’re duty bound to listen to both sides of a story. Your man says he has rights, and if he has the courts of course are waiting to uphold them. And in a similar fashion the courts is the proper place if a man is trespassing and doing damage on a man’s land. So we don’t want to hear any more of shot guns just letting fly in pursuit of a pigeon and then just happening to blow a branch off just above your man’s head.’
‘Of course guard. No one would dream of doing such a thing deliberately.’
‘Well now to the other matter and then we’ll go off duty. And maybe a bit of that whiskey will do the trick to kill the chill on the wet way back in the darkness to the station. It’s every bit a cold journey.’
‘And what is the further difficulty guard.’
‘Ah well now it involves a personality that you might say has become familiar to all of us over the years. Now we are aware that Foxy Slattery is an employee upon the estate. And we have reason to believe he can help in our inquiries. First regarding a sacrilegious theft of wine and other divine divers artefacts including priestly vestments and the wearing of same with the intention of impersonating the clergy.’
‘But Foxy is most devout and I am sure would never do anything so unfortunate.’
‘Well he left his fingerprints all over the face of a witness to such act. And occasioned him actual bodily harm as well. And further. In regard to the unlawful taking of a horse, the property of a Master of Foxhounds. And again occasioning that gentleman actual bodily harm. And connected with that incident. There is the damage done to property in the act of trespass and being in charge of a horse in a dangerous manner.’
‘Good lord, how heinous.’
‘Which also involved charging the same horse at two dismounted members of the hunt and then jumping over their heads. Particulars of this latter matter are still being pursued as witnesses have been reluctant to come forward.’
‘Upon my word. How irredeemably wretched. And especially to thieve clerical clothing. Dreadful. But Foxy has impeccable references.’
‘No need to get alarmed now Mr Kildare. Sure the reverend Father in question is a humane man. Not to say a cultured gentleman of the very highest order and indeed is an habitué of this very house.’
‘Yes indeed he is, and a noted collector of fine art.’
‘Well he would not be pressing charges. And we are likely to consider that in the case of a person with too much drink taken that they might in such a state, on occasion, behave in a bizarre manner. And not be meaning in the least to impersonate a member of the clergy. And we are proceeding upon that assumption. He could be let off with a caution and small fine. But it is the Father’s robes, tailor made in Paris of the greatest kind of cloth and blessed by the Pope, that we want to recover. And we would earnestly solicit the help of all here in so doing.’
‘O dear. What a botheration for you gentlemen. But I’m sure Foxy would not impersonate a priest.’
‘Well the witness on interview said and I’m quoting now, that the culprit shouted that he was setting off in the direction of the town to hear midnight confession and that no one, and forgiving your presence your majesty, would effing well stop him. He then suggested to the witness that he should kneel behind a gravestone and he’d start by listening to the dirty old deeds of his black old soul. Or words to that effect. Now if that is not impersonating a priest I don’t know what is.’
Following two glasses of whiskey each, and a comment or two about the low price of cattle, Miss von B and I conducted the guards in a quick tour of the salon, dining room and library. While both of us made suitable descriptive remarks upon the furnishings, architecture and embellishments. All of which they seemed to appreciate as they appraised the gold velour, green damask, embossed bindings, chamfered square supports and cabriole legs. With Her Royal Highness pointing out highlights and distinguishing marks. The only difficulty occurring when the heavier of the two guards put his foot crashing through two floorboards, and grabbing a drape for safety, brought both it and the curtain rail down on top of his head. Causing what one can only describe as a brief moment of consternation, especially as he wildly threw his arms about attempting to unearth himself from the confines of the extremely dusty drape.
‘Ah god now, I’m very sorry I did that.’
‘That’s quite all right guard. One likes to know where a possible extensive dilapidation is brooding and your departure briefly downwards, although giving you a fright does also give us a jolly good hint as to an area that needs repairing.’
Of course one also knew that such minor embarrassments would have a way of absolving one from major prosecution. And back on the terra firma quality of the front hall tiles it was apparent that the guards were quite satisfied that they had successfully conducted their business and with all kinds of cheery words to the princess from whom they hardly ever removed their eyes, they departed down the front steps to their bicycles.
‘Cheerio now.’
‘Cheerio.’
Watching their red tiny back lights go disappearing round the rhododendrons along the drive, both Miss von B and I stood willingly chilled and battered by the little moistures out of the black above. Certainly it was, with the number of accusations flying round advisable to at least see them off in some style. And Foxy wearing the elegant Father’s best Sunday cassock, soutane and biretta, could be out somewhere right now in the fields trying to convert my Protestant cattle to being papish minded in preparation for heading to a good Catholic abattoir.
‘O dear madam, the eyes of the world are upon us.’
‘Ah you handled it very well. I was very impressed.’
‘Were you really.’
‘Yes. You perhaps here and there might have been a little too enthusiastic in your outrageous lies. But it was not bad.’
It was staff tea time so arm in arm we carelessly danced together across the tiles. She was so splendid reeling off her descriptions of furnishings to the guards. Of the bombe front of a drawer. And they ooed and ahhed as she pointed to a George Fourth silver mounted fluted glass mustard pot on the dining room table. As Miss von B recited a litany of its characteristics.
‘You will perhaps notice its simple but attractive plain reeded rim and also notice especially the shell thumb piece to the flat cover.’
‘Ah now your majesty that would do as a great yoke for mustard on any man’s table.’
There in the echoing front hall in the sight of one’s glum faced ancestors on the wall I grabbed up close to Miss von B and she turned to nibble me on the neck. And with indecent swiftness one’s trousers were sticking out frontally as I hugged and kissed her.