And No Pets Step on DNA
More 10-Minute Recipes
My Ántonia
A Room of One’s Own
Places I’d Never Dreamed Of
To Have and to Hold
The Toad Not Taken: The Linguistic Value of Puns
Out of the Rat Race and into the Chips
Your Fortune in Mail-Order Selling
Exercises for a Healthy Heart
A Handbook of Dreams
Flesh Wounds
Papier-Mâché Arts and Crafts
Put a Lid on It: Managing Your Anger
Learn to Play Piano in Fourteen Days
The City of One
A History of the English Language
Stone Shoes and Other Fables
It’s from “Tam Lin.” It’s what the elf queen says to Tam Lin before she releases him to the world of mortals. When she knows he is lost to her. When Lexy told me the story, I thought that these were bitter words, full of malice and spite, and perhaps for the elf queen that’s all they were. But reading these words now, they seem to me very sad. I see that they can also be words of kindness, words of protection. An incantation, a wish to avoid causing pain. How often since Lexy’s death have I wished for eyes that could not cry, a heart that could not grieve?
But I see now that her wish for me came true by half. I’ve been looking through eyes of clay all this time. And now my useless heart, my fallible heart, my heart of flesh, seems to break in two, and inside it I find the truth I suppose it has held all along. And I know at last that my Lexy killed herself.
FORTY
What was Lexy like in those last two months, the months in between the time we conceived a child and the time she climbed into that tree? She was fine, that’s how it seemed to me. She was fine. The depression and lethargy that had followed our trip to New Orleans seemed to have disappeared, and she was beginning to take interest in new projects. A local café with a Venetian Carnival theme had begun to display some of her masks on its walls, and she made a few sales as a result. We spent a weekend at the beach in early September, and we walked along the ocean hand in hand. My face turned bright red with sunburn, and we ate a pound of saltwater taffy in the car on the way home. A colleague of mine got married, and we went to the wedding. My birthday came and went and was celebrated in all the usual ways. I spent a weekend repainting our bathroom. Lexy became interested in Chinese cooking and made special trips to buy ingredients at an Asian supermarket. It was normal, do you see? I didn’t pay as much attention as I should have, because it all seemed so normal. I didn’t know the end was so near.
But somewhere in there, something happened to change everything, and I didn’t even notice. Somewhere in there, Lexy discovered she was pregnant. I remember there was one evening, maybe in mid- or late September, when she complained of feeling nauseated. And one Sunday, maybe a week later, she took a nap, which was not something she did very often. Were these the symptoms that led her to take the pregnancy test? Her periods, I think, were not very regular under the best of circumstances, but perhaps she noticed it had been a particularly long time since the last one. The question is when. How long did she live with this knowledge? How long did I live with her in that changed state without sensing that anything was different?
The only clue I have is that little corner of pink cardboard I found in the trash. Maybe I can work backward from there. Our trash is collected once a week, of course, but that little bathroom trash can has never filled up fast enough to warrant being emptied every week. I’m not sure how often we used to empty it; that task, I confess, usually fell to Lexy. I can tell you this: Since she’s been gone, I don’t think I’ve emptied that little container more than once a month. But before that, when it was the receptacle for all of Lexy’s female detritus of disposable makeup sponges and cleanser-soaked cotton balls, I think it’s safe to say it would have filled up at least twice as fast. And when I went through it after her death, it was only half full. So we’re looking at one week at the outside; it’s only in the last week of her life that she knew she was pregnant. Knowing what I now know, knowing that the week ends with Lexy climbing that tree with the intention of ending her life, I have to try to reconstruct that week.
Lexy died on a Wednesday. I’ll start with the Thursday before. She was up before me, I remember. Is that the morning when she got up early and took the test? It seems to me now that maybe she was a little more animated than usual that morning, that maybe when she said good morning to me, she smiled a little longer than she normally would have. But I’m not sure. We had breakfast together and read the paper, then I showered and dressed for work.
“What are you going to do today?” I asked her before I left.
“I’ve got a few Halloween orders to finish up,” she said. “And this afternoon I’m going grocery shopping.”
“Sounds good,” I said, and kissed her. “Well, have a good day.”
Do you see how ordinary it all was, how boring, the routine dailiness of that week? Try as I might, I can’t coax any more meaning out of it than I saw at the time. I went to work, I met with one of my dissertation students to discuss his progress. I worked on a grant application that, as it turned out, I would never send in. I went home, and Lexy made pasta for dinner. We watched a movie, sitting close together on the couch. It was all so normal. We read in bed, each of us lost in our own book, and I fell asleep before she did. Another day of our marriage, and I was content with it. I believe, even now I believe that Lexy was, too.
Friday night, there was a thunderstorm. We’d been playing a word game together, a pen-and-paper game we both enjoyed, when the lights went out. We found candles pretty easily—for some reason, we’d received about a million decorative candleholders as wedding gifts, so we had candles everywhere—but matches proved a bit harder to find. We stumbled around clumsily, bumping into tables and calling out to each other in the dark. We’d been listening to music before the power went out, and our voices sounded strangely loud in the sudden silence. Lorelei was frantic—she was terrified of thunder and lightning—and I could hear her anxious panting as I wandered around the house. Finally, I found some matches on the windowsill above the kitchen sink, and we lit some candles. In the soft light, I could see Lorelei wedged into a small space between the couch and the wall. She was shaking violently and drooling with terror.
“Oh, poor girl,” Lexy said. She went and sat down on the floor next to the dog and began petting her and speaking to her softly. I settled myself on the floor next to Lexy, and together we tried to soothe the shuddering dog.
“I’ve always wondered,” Lexy said, “if her fear of thunderstorms has anything to do with the storm she got lost in the day I found her.”
“Maybe,” I said. “But I think most dogs are afraid of the noise.”
“Did I ever tell you,” she said, “why I named her Lorelei?”
“No. I thought you just liked the name.”
“Well, I did. But I’d also been reading a lot of mythology right around that time, trying to come up with new ideas for masks. I was sick to death of doing Medusas and Bacchuses—would that be Bacchi?”
“Yes, I suppose it would be Bacchi with an i. Bacchae with an ae refers to his female worshipers, as in the title of the Euripides play… .” I was being deliberately pompous. Sometimes I liked to play up my academic-gasbag persona so that Lexy could poke holes in it.