The Door Into Shadow

276
DIANE D'UANE
stained with Eftgan's blood to the entry point. Then he fell back against Herewiss, and slapped the blood and dirt against the ground— The terrible pressure of hatred grew suddenly much less as the Royal Binding took hold on the land, quieting the unquiet ghosts, banishing the phantoms of Fyrd and slain Reavers and hralcins. Herewiss's Fire blazed up again as if someone had taken the cup off the candle. But now his mind wasn't on the battle.
"LORN!!" Herewiss cried, and without hesitation went limp and fell over again. He had gone out-of-body, gone after his loved to catch him at the last Door, and to prevent him from passing it.
Off on the southern horizon, another darkness began to take shape. This was a more solid one, a heaving black shape that Segnbora had seen before, but didn't dare look upon now, being in a human body. The Shadow had become en-raged enough to take on a physical shape and come after them Itself. And It had adopted a form It knew, from past history, to be very effective.
"Don't look!!" she cried to the Darthenes. They hardly needed the warning. Those still alive and con-scious after the assault by their worst fears were already hid-ing their faces from the hideous prospect.
THE DOOR INTO SHADOW
No time to wait for Herewiss to come back, Segnbora thought, shaking all over. Just have to do it myself— Hurriedly she knelt and took Skadhwe two-handed, resting the point a shade to the left of her breastbone. Mda'ha, she said, and in that mo-ment was informed by her ahead-memory that Herewiss was not going to be healing her. . Oh wonderful! Sithes&sch! Sdaha— Sehe'rae!
She pushed the sword in, hard. The' greedy shadowblade slid into her with shocking' ease. At last she found out what. it was like to be run through, and tried to scream past the terrible feeling of her heart fibrillaiing around the intruding blade, trying to beat, trying to beat, failing.. All that came' out of her throat was a choked cough.
Inside, she felt her Fire leap together with her heart's blood and burst outward. Blind with pain, she groped for support, willing herself to stand and do what she had to. But she found no support. The darkness went red, and then black, and she fell forward. .
… a long fall, the longest one, but it had an end. There was a voice crying Get up! Get up! the voice of someone famil-iar. Her mother perhaps, or Eftgan. Had she overslept again? The Wardress would be furious—
She was lying on something hard. She rolled over to push herself up on her hands and knees, feeling the sword in her fist. Probably one of those rocks the Dragon's thrashing had dislodged had hit her in the head. She felt weak and stumbly. She pushed upward, shook her head to clear the daze out of it, looked up.
A pang of terror twisted in her heart like a knife of ice. This was no cave. True, there was empty darkness all around, but before her stood two doorposts blacker than any night, going up and up forever, out of sight. Between them stars blazed. Endless depths of them, a patient silent glory she had seen before in dreams and visions, but never for real. This was the last Door, the Door into Starlight. No, I'm not ready! she cried, staggering to her feet. But her protests made no difference to the insistent forces shoving at her back. They were stronger than she. They impelled her, whispering to her that it was over, that her struggles were done.
Thi Store/ she thought with longing. Mother and Father. Lang! Tears rose at the thought of him, at the image of his last confused grab for the ledge, Loved, I have a great deal to tell you. Maybe it's no!' too tote. There was a great silence in her mind that shouldn't have been there.
"Hasm?" she said, letting herself be pushed toward the Door as she searched in mind for him. You're dead. Are you there too? No answer.
I'm not going! Segnbora thought, on the very threshold. But
she had no way to stop herself. She was being pushed too hard, and she was holding something in one of her hands. A darkness. . Swift as thought she used the last-chance block that Shihan had taught her was for emergency use only. One hand on the hilt, the other bracing the steel from behind.
She screamed with agony in that eternal silence as Skadhwe, ramming against the impermeable blackness from which it had been torn, sliced deep into her hands. The dark-ness shoving at her back was merciless, and cared nothing about her anguish. Through her sick pain, Segnbora realized who was pushing her closer to the Door. She fought back, feeling her blood flow from hands and heart. There was something she needed to remember. Something— / am Who I am. And knowing that, It has no power over me.
Dismay ran through the force that urged her forward. She forced it back, and back, arching herself, and then fell back-wards, gasping. Skadhwe fell soundlessly to the invisible floor. Slowly and painfully, she got to her knees, picked Skadhwe up, and stood. It might indeed be her fate to die after she had finished what she had to do.
She turned. Had she been breathing, the breath would have caught in her throat. He was huge, looming above her, dressed in the old clothes he wore while gardening. The big hard hands stained with leaf-mold and rough with calluses reached out to her. "No!" she whispered, and almost turned to flee. But there was only one way to run — through the Door and out of life.
That terrible smile leaned closer. "No!" she said. It was a squeaked word. A little girl's voice, terrified, but still defiant. The smile lost some of its assuredness. "No," she said again, more strongly, her voice sounding strange in the utter silence. She raised her head, met those hungry eyes, held them. . held them. .
He was not as large as he had been. Certainly he was no larger than any other man. He was smaller, in fact, than many she had killed at one time or another. Raising Skadhwe, she took a step forward and watched the
fear spread across his face. Balen had used brute strength to overwhelm the child she had been, but she was a child no longer. He was unarmed, and she was armed with a weapon against which there was no defense. Another step she took, and he backed away. She almost took the final step, but paused. It would be easy to kill him, yes. Possibly enjoyable.
But for how long? Would this be just another form of run-ning away? If she should she instead accept him—
Kill him! her heart said to her. / give him into your hands, her heart said to her. Do with him what you will. The great silence on this side of the Door surrounded her. Even he didn't kill me, she thought.
She lifted her eyes to Balen again. Trembling, he shot her a terrified glance. In that blunt and brutal face, she saw again what she had seen in Lang, and Herewiss, and Freelorn, and even the Fyrd. Her. HerSelf. She tossed Skadhwe" away.
Very slowly, even with fear, she went to the man, reached out to touch his shoulders. He winced at the touch, as if gentleness burned him.
"Goddess," she said. "Shadow. I know Who You are." Balen looked at her face, and then looked away again in anguish. Segnbora couldn't bear such terror. She reached out to take his face in her hands.
"Balen," she said, speaking the name aloud for the first time' in her life. He blinked in confusion.
"I seem to be getting a lot of practice at being others, these days," she said. "First Dragons. Then. . Myself. I see that this is what the practice was for. To see You for what You are. Just Her, in another suit. A tool to make me what I am, no less than the beautiful face and the ever-filled cup were tools. You were a little rougher on me than you might have been, per-haps. You were the sword. But my hand was on the hilt. / destroy. And I create. ." She gulped, feeling tears start. "Time I got started. I've bound you into my life all this time, my poor 'rapist.' Enough of it. Go free."
He squinted at her in terrified disbelief.
THE DOOR INTO SHADOW
"Beloved," she said. "Go free."
Drawing him close, shaking all over, she laid her lips on his, once and gently. Then she hugged him tight. When she opened her arms, he was gone.
Weak from the sudden release of so much emotion, she sat down hard on the invisible surface and wiped her eyes, then realized that the wetness on her hands was more than tears. The weakness, too, probably had something to do with her heart's blood running down her surcoat.
Oh Goddess, I forgot, she thought, getting dizzier by the mo-ment. Blood loss. I have to get back there. Where's Skadhwe, I can't leave it.
Fumbling, falling to hands and knees again, she began feel-ing around for the blade. Against the dark floor, this was rather like looking for clear glass in water. The dizziness got worse. She reeled; her sight forsook her. Perhaps she was starting to die.
The sudden pain, an infinitesimally thin line of it, told her she had found Skadhwe again. Grateful for the hint, she grabbed it hard, using the pain to shock herself awake, al-though she was half dead already. She pushed herself upright. .
… on the cold snow, and opened her eyes. All around her men and women were covering their faces in horror of some-thing that was coming. She had to get up. Where was Skadhwe?. . still sheathed. Good.
Left-handed she fumbled for something with which to sup-port herself, and found a stone. She levered herself up to her knees and managed to stand, though a wobbly stance it was, and probably very temporary. She drew Skadhwe, and saw with dismay that it was covered with blood. Shihan, were he here, would be scandalized! Never go out with an unclean blade, he had taught her. She whipped the blood off the blade in a quick downward slash, third move of the edelle maneuver — and Fire whipped down after it.
/ am dead, she thought in absolute disbelief, and lifted the sword to stare at it. Fire, raging blue and as impossible to look at as sunlight, trickled down Skadhwe's black edge. Just a
double-thread at first, and then more. It grew quickly, a torch's worth of Fire, a Firebrand's worth, a lightningbolt in her hands, burning like a star, throwing her shadow long and black against the cliff.
/ have it! she thought in fierce joy, for that one mad moment not caring that she was about to die. She stared backwards at her shadow, the proof of the light — shortlegged, long of neck, wings where she had arms. 7*m whole, she thought, and laughed, raising the hand that held Skadhwe. The right wing stretched upward, huge. No! We're whole! The left arm up now; the wing reached up in response. Sithessch, we'll die, but we'll do it together!