I didn't get it.
At first when she started arguments I tried to reason with her but that always ended up with us both arguing and her storming off, hanging up or cutting off the internet connection.
Being in a long distance relationship was already hard but now I was put in situations where my only way of contacting her was over the computer or by phone. She readily cut those off when she was moody. In the back of my mind I couldn't help but feel like I was walking on egg shells.
Those fears weren't allayed.
It wasn't long before she was snapping at me randomly and then would throw out phrases like, "I should just kill myself" or "Ugh I want to die." Hearing that over the phone or reading it through text while she was raging at me for reasons unknown to me was heartbreaking.
I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do. I tried to encourage her, I stopped arguing with her, and I spent all of my emotions trying to cheer her up. I did everything I possibly could to be a purely positive force in her life.
All the while I was still bankrupt, still in physical pain, still suffering from the mental pain from the concussions. Still spending my days in therapy while tears rolled silently down my face… but I did my best not to complain.
She knew what I was going through, but I never once compared my situation to hers. She had fears of admitting her failure in school, I had my own problems.
Everyone handles a situation differently.
But then after supporting her for nearly six months through the constant threats of "I should kill myself," she had finally seemed a bit more stable. She now jokingly would laugh with friends and make suicide jokes to them. All the while I stood there thinking to myself, is she joking or is she real and pretending to laugh?
I anguished over it every day, not knowing, not understanding.
And then it happened, she had finally gotten over her depression and I was excited and happy for her. We hadn't argued in a few weeks and when she did get angry I just silently listened and was supportive.
I thought we had made it through the hump.
I was emotionally burned out at this point and didn't really care about the relationship to be honest, but I was still emotionally invested, I did love the girl in the past.
Of course, all that glitters isn't gold… as her confidence had recovered she changed her tune. Now she took the stance that I was weak for not arguing with her, that I was pathetic for struggling with my physical, financial, and mental problems that paled in comparison to her real issue of being afraid of her parents finding out that she failed a semester at school.
That I was beneath her for not being emotionally strong like her.
She called me and said to me, word for word over the phone, "You're beneath me," while comparing me to all of her exes. Complaining that I didn't do this as well as guy number one and didn't do this as well as guy number two. That the only thing I was better at was the physical aspect of the relationship.
I couldn't believe it.
I was pissed.
I had bit my tongue and kept quiet because she constantly held the suicide flag over my head, threatening me with her claims of suicide every time she was angry. And here I was "beneath her" because I stopped arguing with her and let her have her way the past few months.
Because I treated her as well as I could, spoiled her with my time, with what little I could afford… and now she was calling me to tell me I was worse in every aspect except for one compared to the boyfriends she had had before. Those same guys she complained about for years.
Her ego had inflated immensely.
She wanted to break up and my reply was simple, I was done with her emotional abuse months ago and was only holding on for her sake so she wouldn't actually kill herself. I told her simply, "Is this how you truly feel? Once I'm gone I'm not coming back, if you want to end this I'm done. I'm not coming back a second time."
She said that was what she wanted.
I smiled and left.
Two months later, nearly a year into my physical therapy I had finally progressed to the point where I could lift a two-point-five pound dumbbell.
I cried tears of joy with a huge grin on my face.
To go from hundred pound dumbbells per arm to not being able to lift a fork, to being able to lift 2.5lbs after a year in therapy… it was emotionally overpowering.
It was empowering.
Another month had passed and word had made its way to me, that my ex had been crying her eyes out every night wondering why I hadn't come crawling back to her, why I didn't call her for Christmas, why I didn't call her for New Years. She couldn't understand why I left and didn't come back.
I laughed.
I laughed a lot.
As the years passed I one day received a long e-mail from her, asking if I could detail what went wrong in our relationship so she could do better in her current relationship. I hadn't even thought about her in the longest of times but the day that e-mail arrived I had a dream about her trying to contact me the morning of, hours before receiving the e-mail.
I thought it was rather funny.
I wrote her a scathing reply and had a female friend read it over thankfully, to me it was straightforward and honest but to my friend, she said it was extremely harsh and would probably put her in another depression.
I didn't see it but I edited and toned my reply down considerably, into possibly the best three page positive encouragement letter I could ever write.
She didn't deserve it, but I would do the same for anyone. I just didn't hold grudges for long, if at all. She maintained some form of contact off and on with me but she was still being her moody overly-proud self, refusing to text or message first as it was demeaning in her mind and I didn't have any patience for that shit anymore.
All I remember, is she eventually apologized for saying I was beneath her, but it didn't really matter. Her words never meant that much to me. Deep down I doubt she ever truly considered my state of affairs, the pain I was in, the pain I endured to ensure she didn't kill herself so long as I was around.
I got no reward out of it, I only suffered for it.
When she needed a shoulder to lean on I was there, even though my shoulder was propped up on crutches I was there. When she no longer needed the help and I was still struggling, I was tossed to the wayside. To this day I still firmly believe in the saying, "no good deed goes unpunished" …and it's a motto I seem to live out far too often.
I only had one good year after that breakup before my health took a sudden turn for the worse when I had an accident while moving furniture up and down a flight of stairs. That issue rolled into numerous other problems as well.
If there is such a thing as catching a break, I would like the next one to last a lot longer if possible.
The reminiscence had come out of nowhere, somehow sparked by the intense pain I was in. An odd memory I would much rather forget, but it was an essential part my past. It was unlikely that I would ever forget those painful experiences.
I slowly opened my eyes to find myself staring up at a sleeping Selene; her face was rather serene… I wonder if that's how she got her name.
The pain had subsided and as I turned my head I could see that the sun was beginning to rise. Another day, another chapter… yeah, the past is what it is. I ended up shifting around and wrapped Selene up in my arms, she might just be an NPC but she could at least comfort me.
To think it has been over six years since I left that girl, and yet all I've done is casually date and had one, one-night stand that I didn't care for. There was no attachment or lingering feelings, I had had none since the day we broke up. The only time I remember her is by extension when I think about my life's struggles.
But from that experience I've become so unwilling to date a girl if she didn't meet all of the criteria I was looking for… I went from picky to insane. If I didn't feel it was a perfect fit I went the other way without even bothering to let things develop.