After fucking, T told me again: ‘I'd do anything for you, you know?’ So I asked him: ‘Really? Anything?’ ‘Anything,’ he replied as if we were living in olden times when knights pled for ways to prove fidelity to their ladies. ‘There is something you can do,’ I told him, ‘but I'm not ready to ask you yet.’ ‘Tell me so I can do it.’ ‘There could be risk.’ ‘I want to endure risk. I'd gladly suffer pain for you. I want to show you how much I adore you.’ ‘Please, T, you go too far sometimes. A wicked lady like me isn't used to hearing such talk.’ ‘I want you to get used to hearing it,’ he said ever so tenderly.
Monday
R and I are definitely not getting along. ‘I'm wondering if I ought to bow out,’ I told him. ‘I don't think this treatment is helping me anymore.’ ‘You're too impatient,’ he said. ‘It's hard, painful work. I never promised you it would be easy.’ ‘No, and you also never promised me a cure, did you?’
I turned around, stared at him. Then I felt sorry, he looked so crushed. ‘Look,’ I told him, ‘I think you're a brilliant man, but maybe we're not well suited. No crime in that.’ Then he annoyed me by asking why I used the word ‘crime.’ Ugh!
Later with T: he begged me to set him a task, something difficult, he said. ‘Well, how about slaying a dragon for me?’ ‘Oh,’ he said. ‘I'd do that in a minute!’
Poor boy, poor boy!
Friday
Another row with R. I told him when I leave his office I feel like I'm burning up inside, like there's a fire raging in my gut. He said that's a good sign, it tells us something important is going on. ‘We've been at one of those painful impasses that always occur in an analysis. The difference between the men and the boys is that the men work the impasses through.’ ‘But I'm not a man,’ I screamed at him. ‘Always these gender issues. You knew I was just using an everyday expression.’ Sure, I knew, but there's something wacky going on. ‘I already have two lovers,’ I told him, ‘God, I don't think I could manage a third!’ ‘Do you fantasize about my being your third lover?’ he asked. ‘Do you fantasize yourself as my third lover?’ I snapped back. ‘This is something we can use,’ he said, ‘your fantasy that I'm your lover. Have you any notion of how seductively you act toward me?’ I told him: ‘Don't flatter yourself, Doctor. I act this way with everyone. It's my nature!’
At the motel, I tied T to the bed, then worked him over with my mouth. ‘Today is my day to have fun,’ I told him. ‘My pleasure will be to pleasure you.’ He squirmed and rolled, panted and came. ‘And now I’m going to take my pleasure,’ I told him, mounting him and galloping home.
Afterwards he said I made him feel like a beast. ‘That's my intention,’ I told him. ‘Start thinking of yourself as my creature.’ He seemed to like that, so I told him I'd consulted his plea to set him a task, and that I had a quest in mind. Then I told him what it was. He listened carefully, then stared into my eyes to see if I really meant it. I stared straight back so he'd understand I did. Things got very quiet.
‘Well?’ I said to him as he was about to leave. ‘Think it over.’ ‘I'll meet you here Monday at the usual time,’ he said, ‘we'll discuss it then.’ ‘No,’ I said, ‘if you show up on Monday that'll tell me you've agreed. Otherwise don't bother.’
The poor boy nodded solemnly and slipped out the door. I waited a few minutes, then phoned J and told him what I'd done.
Monday
Good session with R, our best in last three weeks. Less tension, more progress, I felt good when I left, thanked him for his help. ‘I know I'm a real bitch sometimes. Please forgive me for that.’
He smiled, nodded sweetly. ‘See you Wednesday,’ he said.
Felt nervous driving out to the F. Stopped at the house, smoked a joint to calm myself down. When I got there and spotted T's car in the lot, I felt like I do when I beat some hotshot player out on the court: Sweet Victory Mine!
T subdued. ‘I'm prepared to do what you ask,’ he said. I brought out a second joint, shared it with him. ‘A man as brave as you,’ I told him, ‘deserves the best sex anyone's ever had. Guess who's going to give it to you?’ ‘You've already given it to me many, many times.’ ‘And today once again. So lie back and let me show you. There're a thousand ways, T, ten-thousand things I dream about every night, dream of doing just with you.’
God! I believe I came six or eight times and he three or four. Poor boy!
Tuesday
Someone has sent me the newspaper from the day Belle was taken. No note, no return address, just the whole paper stuffed into an envelope. And of course today is the fifth anniversary of that awful day. Today she is eight years and two months old!
My first thought: it's A who did this. I called him, shrieked at him. He denied it. ‘Barb, how could you I do such a thing? For all our differences, I could never do something so mean.’ ‘You want to take away my boys!’ ‘Not take them, you'd still see them.’ ‘Boys that age should live with their mother.’ ‘I don't think you provide a healthy environment, Barb. We shouldn't be discussing this. Let the judge decide.’
I called W, told him about the newspaper. ‘Horrible,’ he said. ‘Beastly! Contemptible!’ ‘Who hates me so much they'd do such a thing?’ ‘They don't hate you, love,’ W said. ‘They envy you. They want to see you crawl through broken glass.’ ‘God, I have crawled! Don't they know? Don't they realize what it means to lose a child?’ ‘Well, love, whoever sent that wants to make you crawl some more. The only way you can win with a person like that is to act like nothing's happened and carry on with your life.’
Monday
Terrible session with R. Told him I'm fed up with his Freudian claptrap. ‘It's like we're going around in circles here and the real key to it all is hidden in the center.’
He said: ‘I think if you'd be fair and look at what we've accomplished, you'd see that the circles we're going around in are getting tighter and whatever is in the center is starting to come into view.’
It was so hot I went straight home from session. I wanted to swim and cool off. Found another envelope in the same handwriting. Again no note, nothing inside but ten one-hundred-dollar-bills. A thousand dollars! What's that supposed to mean? Blood money? Ransom money? One thing is clear: whoever's doing this has serious money to throw away. That's scary!
While in the pool, I decided to go and see J. Called T, cancelled our tryst, then drove out to The Elms. When I told J what happened and showed him both envelopes, he turned grave. ‘This is serious business,’ he said. ‘My advice is don't bring it to the cops, not yet. Stay calm until we see how this plays out.’
We discussed T and how that's going and how far we ought to go with it. I told him I care for T and don't want him to do anything riskier than necessary. I said, ‘Risk is risk, there's no way to minimize it in a situation like this.’ I told him maybe we're making a mistake. He said he's positive we aren't and he'll do everything in his power to protect everyone involved.
When I left, I realized this was one of the few times I've visited him that we didn't end up in the sack. Back at the house, I phoned him and asked how he knew about me and T. ‘It's not like it's an atomic secret,’ he said. ‘You have a very visible car. I'm sure plenty of people have spotted you driving along, and maybe a few decided to follow and see where you were going – out of innocent curiosity, of course.’ ‘You're a real bastard, Jack,’ I told him. ‘I didn't say I followed you,’ he said. ‘Then who did?’ ‘I don't know,’ he said, ‘but whoever it was went straight to the person most likely to spread a story like that.’ ‘Who're we talking about?’ I asked. ‘Smart cutie-pie like you should be able to figure that out pretty quick.’
Fascinating! I check my watch. It's nearly 8:00 a.m.. An hour has slipped by without my noticing. I scan through Barbara's notebook. Plenty more entries ahead. Time, I decide, to take a breakfast break. But before I do, I take a few minutes to try to fix dates to the more crucial of Barbara's entries by matching them up with the entries in Dad's agenda.