There hadn’t been any Krakaren mobs in the noodle for a while now, but we’d had dozens of reports of the boss from the other side seeping its way into the opposite room, thus occupying both. People who had abandoned their station 36 were fighting their way back to find a giant boss in the room, a boss they couldn’t handle.
The province boss directly across from our room hadn’t attempted to come in our space, likely because of the portal. Li-Na’s idea was to raise up the Def Leppard cart, leaving enough room for someone to lean in and get its attention. We could only lift the cart an additional foot, but that was enough for Donut to carefully stick her head into the hole and peer across the way to the other room to see if there even was a boss there. There was nothing on her map, but that didn’t mean anything.
“Be careful,” I said worriedly. If even a whisker touched the portal, she’d be zapped away to the abyss. We didn’t dare turn it off. We should have used Katia for this, but Donut had insisted.
“It’s there,” Donut said as she peered into the escape tunnel. The noodle. “It’s just hair and quivering skin covering up the hole. It’s disgusting. It looks like one of those guys whose pants doesn’t cover his butt. Like when your smelly friend used to come over and play video games while you two lied about your exploits with women. What was his name? Monobrow Sam? Really, Carl. I don’t know why you had such revolting friends.”
“Okay, pull back,” I said. “Goddamnit, be careful. Watch your head.”
She backed up and looked at me.
“I got an achievement just for looking at it! At the boss, I mean. Not your friend’s butt. But I should’ve received an award for having to see that, too. The monster is glowing blue. And another color. It’s sparkling.”
“It’s a province boss. It probably has a million buffs going at once. Can we get on with this? You’re probably going to get another achievement for hitting it with a magic missile, too.”
“It’s going to be a good one,” Donut said. “I have a full-powered shot stored in my glasses, and I’m going to hit it with a double shot.”
A group of crawlers detached the chain holding the cart up and held onto it. I threatened each and every one of them not to drop it prematurely.
Donut leaned in, shot it, then scrambled back. “I hit it! I hit it!”
The monster bellowed, a thousand mouths suddenly shrieking at once. “Drop it! Drop the cart!” I called. The crawlers groaned, lowering the cart back into place. I locked the chain while I secured the lower chain.
The moment I did, the whole cart shuddered. I felt it. It had worked.
“Fuck yeah,” I said. I turned to Li Na and held up my hand. “High five.”
She just looked at me. “If I touch you with my hand, you will experience excruciating pain throughout your entire body that will cause you to lose control of your bladder and bowels.”
“Okay, then,” I said. “Moving on.”
A blast hit the portal, and the whole thing shook.
Something screamed. Loud and high-pitched, though not nearly as loud as before. Another blast hit it.
“Shit,” I said. “Maybe we only got some of it.”
“I knew this was a bad idea,” Imani said. “We should have left it alone.”
“These portals are pretty stout,” I said. “Nothing can get through it.” I didn’t actually know if that was true or not.
“Hello? Who’s there?” a voice called from the other side of the portal. He had a nasally British accent, like how a spoiled prince might sound. “Show yourselves, you cowards!” A moment passed, and then he screamed. Each cry was loud and short. It was unlike anything I’d ever heard. “You have deprived me of my prey, and I demand satisfaction!”
“Carl, it’s another crawler,” Donut said. “Look at the map.”
I looked over at Katia. “Turn off the portal, but get ready to flip it back on.”
She nodded and rose into the air on stilt-like legs to reach the controls. The portal flickered and turned off. I leaned over and looked down. Across the way another crawler stared down at me, also standing at the edge of the noodle and looking in. We met eyes over the distance.
“Carl,” he said. “I should have known such a colossal fuck-up could only be perpetrated by such a colossal dolt.”
“Hello, Prepotente,” I said.
The goat creature screamed, suddenly and unexpectantly, causing me to almost jump out of my skin. There was no reason for it.
“What the hell,” someone muttered behind me.
Prepotente went on as if nothing had happened. “Oh, hello, Donut,” he said, brightening. “Well met. You are even more delightful in person. I’ve been wishing to meet you for some time now. We are two of a kind, you and I. From what I understand we’re the only two remaining Earth creatures in the dungeon who have gained true sapience. I was so very disappointed to learn you’d obtained access to the Desperado Club and not Club Vanquisher. I do wish to share a brandy with you some time and to discuss our unique circumstances. Now, Carl. Is that other one with you? The murderer? If so, then there are five of the top ten here all at once. That must be a first.”
“We have a few former top tens in here,” I said. “Now what the hell are you doing over there?”
“What do you think? I was about to kill the boss. I had it asleep and entranced, and I was working on lowering its blood pressure enough to initiate cardiac arrest. Another two hours, and it would’ve worked, too. And when it perished, it would have blown multiple soul crystals, thus causing a chain reaction throughout the entire system that would allow our fellows to proceed to the next floor. Instead, I am now looking through a hole in the floor at definitive proof that humans and Neanderthals are related. Where, pray tell me, did you teleport my target to?” the goat asked.
“To the abyss. Why don’t you come over here and call me a neanderthal to my face?”
He screamed.
“Gentlemen,” Imani said, appearing next to me. “Both of you put your dicks away. We don’t need this right now.”
“I could kill you,” Prepotente said. He said it to Imani. “I could crunch on your bones and glory in the sound that they made when they splintered.”
“Bitch, what?” Imani demanded, her demeanor changing on a dime.
He screamed.
Thwap! The goat bleated in pain as he was smacked in the head with a stick. The attack came from someone standing right next to him. He disappeared from view, but he kept screaming, over and over in short bursts just out of sight. A new head appeared in the hole. A woman.
“I want you to sit there and think about what you’ve said, Pony,” she said over her shoulder. This was Miriam Dom. The human shepherd. The goat lady, they called her. She was about forty years old, a little plump and dark-haired. She carried a long staff with a hook at the end like she was goddamned Little Bo Peep. She had a gentle, Italian accent.
“Don’t you mind him,” the woman said. “He says things like that, but he doesn’t mean them. He was always a little ornery, even before the change. It’s nice to meet you all. Sorry for the disturbance.”
The goat returned to the hole and screamed once again. I didn’t know how the hell she put up with this. Jesus fuck.
“I will kill you tonight as you sleep,” Prepotente said to Miriam as he rubbed his head. I saw, then, that he had human-like fingers, though his fingernails were long and curled and black. Whatever change he’d undergone to make him intelligent was different than the one Donut had undergone.
“No you won’t, sweetie,” she said. She reached over and kissed the goat on the top of the head where she’d whacked him.
“Do it again,” he said a moment later. “It still hurts.”
“Only if you’re a good boy. And apologize to those two.”
He nodded solemnly and looked down at us. “I’m sorry I wanted to murder you.”
“Good Pony,” Miriam said and kissed the goat on the head.