Jabbering Jibber-Jabber. Level 35.
This is a minion of the Mimic Rex.
Have you ever gone to one of those buffets? One of those absurdly-cheap, all-you-can-slop-into-your-gullet affairs? The price is suspicious. The instant mashed potatoes taste like they’re cut with sawdust. The meat is gray. The surrounding neighborhood is awash with missing cat flyers. You know what I’m talking about. You go, you feed, and as you leave, having gorged yourself to the point of oblivion, you can’t help but hate yourself and think: This is it? This is what life is? A trip from one trough to the next?
The Jabbering Jibber-Jabber is the reanimated mouth of those who frequent such places. They hate everybody and everything and want nothing more than to feed. They are in a constant state of pain, and the only thing that alleviates this agony is the act of feeding. Anything it eats is instantly broken down and converted into stored energy, which it returns to its master after it has fully stuffed itself.
Warning: this monster is a splitter. If killed, there is a chance one or more smaller versions will appear.
Fucking hell, I thought. The monster didn’t see me, but it was just standing there, snapping its mouth up and down like an alligator. The invisibility notification started to blink.
I kept running. I pulled an impact-detonated hob-lobber and jumped and rolled, leaping through the side of the monster’s open mouth like I was a trick poodle jumping through a hoop. I continued on my way and dove to the ground, covering my head as the Jibber-Jabber chomped down on the hob-lobber in his mouth. He exploded, showering body parts everywhere. None of the pieces got back up.
“There you are, Piglet,” Grull-Maestro growled. The words were as loud as the end of the world. I’d put a good distance between us, but he was still terrifyingly close. He turned to stride toward me. The mimic was in the way. He cleaved down with his axe, splitting the monstrosity in half, as if it was nothing. A cleaved-in-two mountain of flesh appeared, slopping guts and strange organs and liquid everywhere.
All around, all the remaining minions looked up into the air and screamed.
I pulled a smoke curtain and tossed it. I started spamming the smoke curtains in every direction, filling the area as much as I could. Grull casually stepped through the gore of the mimic. The centaur god dragged his axe on the ground. All around him, the enraged bereft minions launched themselves at the god’s legs. He ignored them, occasionally stomping them down.
He lifted his axe, and I knew what was coming next. It wasn’t going to hit me, but it would hit close. Close enough to kill me. My Protective Shell spell wouldn’t help me this time. But I did have one last trick.
I slammed the potion. Mordecai’s Special Brew.
It gave me almost-invulnerability for thirty seconds. But I wouldn’t be able to take another potion for ten hours.
Gold-Standard! Your healing is super accelerated!
A thirty-second timer appeared.
The ground underneath me buckled, and I flew into the air as if I’d been launched from a fiery catapult. I crunched hard against the wall of a train. The shockwave caught me, slamming me again. I felt my back shatter, blowing into hundreds of bits over and over, all while getting healed again and again.
Grull, who couldn’t see me in the smoke, stepped right on top of me with his back leg. I cried out in pain as the flaming horseshoe pressed me deep into the ground. My pelvis shattered as I flattened. My head missed the edge of the horseshoe by inches. Again, I was healed.
The whole world shook. A new achievement appeared big on my screen, but I was in too much screaming pain to read it before it fell in with the others into the folder.
Grull kept walking. He slammed his axe down again. I remained on the ground, waiting for the shockwave to hit. A train car rolled across the yard, bowling right over me, flattening me once again. Again, I healed. I gasped and gasped, unable to catch a breath.
Katia: Shut up and listen. Run back toward where the portal brought you in. We’re sending help through.
“You can’t hide, meat,” Grull said as I jumped to my feet. Despite the blasting music, his voice cut through it all. I once again rushed along the wall, leaping over tracks and burning bits of rubble. Don’t think. Just run. The billowing clouds, unfortunately, clung mostly to the ground here. It was enough to cover me, but it didn’t impede Grull’s view of the trainyard. “Isn’t it just delicious?” he continued, apparently undisturbed by the smoke. “You can’t even hurt me. Even if you tried to use that magical bolt my cunt of a sister wasted on your friend, it wouldn’t work. You’re not strong enough yet to hurt me. I have a dozen ways to kill you, but I want to pick you up and crush you in my hand. You’re nothing. Your planet was nothing, and after this season is over, nobody is ever going to remember or care there was even a society here. Every single one of you pathetic worms will be forgotten. All of your lives and all of your history will be for nothing.”
He rumbled in pain, and I looked over my shoulder, shocked at what I saw.
A second icicle bounced off the god’s head. He grunted with annoyance as Elle shot by, rocketing past him like a bullet. He swiped at her, coming so close I feared she’d tumble from the air. At that same moment, I saw both of the trains barreling toward us. The portal cart rumbled forward on one of the colored-line tracks, and the Nightmare, further behind, chugged toward us on the employee track. I had no idea if anybody was driving either. Neither would reach the trainyard for a good thirty seconds. Neither was on a track that would come anywhere near the god.
Elle passed by Grull one more time, again coming dangerously close. I had no idea she could fly that high or that fast. Grull opened his mouth, and a blast of heat shot forth, missing her by inches. The gust of magic was like a death ray. It melted everything in its path. Jesus. It tore through the trainyard, turning trains and awnings into slag. Elle rocketed across the trainyard, landing atop a stopped train that had derailed near the massive gate entrance, a good third of a mile away. When she landed, she stood next to a familiar figure.
Me. It was me.
It was, of course, Katia changed into me. But holy shit, even at this distance, I could see she’d done a good job. I stood there, cloak flowing, heart-covered boxers and all, both hands in the air flipping off the god. Katia turned and jumped off the train and disappeared as Elle took back to the air.
Grull screamed in rage and moved to pursue.
If he’d been even casually following my feed, the trick would be obvious. But the Maestro wasn’t a smart dude, and everything was moving so damn quickly now.
Carclass="underline" What the fuck are you doing, Katia?
She didn’t answer.
Li Na, Li Jun, Donut, and Mongo suddenly appeared in front of me, emerging out of the solid wall. They’d transferred into the trainyard via the portal cart, which was still barreling toward the trainyard. They must have all jumped in front of it. They all tumbled to a stop, all staring with awe at the pulsating remains of the mimic, which looked like a jello mold that had been dropped upside down.
“Goddamnit I told you to stay away,” I cried, running up. My invulnerability ran out.
“You’re welcome,” Donut said as Mongo screeched in greeting. The Maestro continued to gallop in the other direction. At any moment, he’d realize he’d been tricked and come back this way.
“Well, what the hell are we doing now?” I asked. There were still a good two minutes left in the Maestro’s summoning. That was plenty of time to kill us all.
Then I saw the almost-human-sized figure on the ground, struggling and wrapped in chains.
“Holy shit, what the hell?” I said.