I was so sure that it was Matt at the door last night but knowing now that it wasn’t him had sent me spiralling into a depression. A mixture of fear for our safety and panicking that he wasn’t coming back to us at all. Perhaps he was stuck somewhere? Or it was possible that he hadn’t even made it to his parents in time for the first blast. He could be dead.
My mind was running off in a direction I couldn’t face again. I had been so scared of someone trying to break in. I didn’t relish the idea of going out into the street, it was going to be very difficult to keep Rosa with me. If only there was a safe way I could leave her here while I went looking for supplies.
There was a travel cot in the garage. Certainly, that would keep her out of any mischief while I was gone but she wouldn’t take kindly to being hemmed in like that. I laughed at myself for being so stupid. If she cried for an hour or two it was better than starving to death. I would need to set it up so that I knew she would be okay if I was gone for a few hours.
I had no idea what state the rest of the town was in. Had people stayed or moved on? It was obvious to me that resources here would be limited for our long-term survival. It may take me awhile to find what we needed. I imagined looting would have started just after the attack. That was a month ago now. I’d be lucky if I found anything worth bringing home at all.
With the last idea weighing on my mind, I walked down the hallway, into the utility room and unlocked the door which led to the garage. I had only been in there a couple of times in the last month, mainly looking for batteries for that stupid dream sheep of Rosa’s. I didn’t like to hang around in there. The garage door was letting in a draft and whatever else was in the air would be coming in too. Each time I came in here the stale air felt colder, which struck me as odd given that by now it should be almost August. I spied the travel cot in the corner with our camping gear and dragged it over to the utility doorway. I saw Matt’s kit bag again in the corner and it gave me an idea. I reached down and my fingers curled around the smooth, cool leather wrap containing his fishing knives from the bottom of the bag.
6
I LEFT THE house by the back door which led from the utility room into the backyard. It brought me out just behind the garage. It was better to leave that way in case anyone had been watching us. I kept myself as unnoticeable as possible. They didn’t need to know my baby was all alone inside. Ridiculous really, in this situation, to care about what people thought of me as a mother. It could also be because I hadn’t quite managed to convince myself that this was the right thing to do, but what choice did I have?
It had been my instinct to do this at night. Influenced mainly by the fact that Rosa was asleep and she is fairly consistent at sleeping through these days. It should be around one in the morning now. The dark would be helpful for hiding me if I got into any trouble and I could leave my headlights off if I needed to.
My old VW Golf was still on the drive where I had left it over a month ago. I squeezed my eyes and said a silent prayer as I turned the key in the ignition. It started straight away.
“Thank you!” It had been a trusty little thing since I had bought it, even though it was almost a decade old. I’d traded in my BMW for it when I had left the role in Parliament. It was much too expensive for me to keep on my maternity allowance and there’s no way I could have gotten Rosa’s pushchair in the boot of that car.
The decision to leave my job and have Rosa had saved my life. From the state of the rescue effort and the lack of emergency response, I would hazard a guess that there was very little government left.
The Golf wasn’t anywhere near as high brow as my previous car but it was quick and quiet and that’s all I needed right now. I pulled into reverse and backed off the driveway keeping my lights off for now. I got out into the road and pushed into gear heading in the direction of the town. I left the street behind me at a steady pace and kept the headlights off, flicking them on only when I was out of view.
I lent over the steering column, my eyes straining in the dark to pick out the familiar landmarks heading down towards the centre of Lewes. I felt a little reassured each time the reflecting moonlight hinted at their existence as I drove. I knew this journey well. The lane was lined with thick hedges towering up and over the road. Without the street lights working, it felt like they loomed over the car in a way that was almost threatening. The lane stopped at a T junction. Right took you up towards the dual carriageway and out of town. Left brought you nearer to the town centre with a group of supermarkets conveniently close to one another. There was a large Waitrose on the other side of the river, and on this side Tesco and Aldi were within a short walking distance. If there was something to be found it was going to be here.
As I drove closer to my destination I switched off the headlights. Peering through the window making out the road markings, I noted how quiet it was. Not a single person outside, not another car coming in either direction. I slowed the car to crawl.
All around me I could see the buildings were intact, there had been a few fires here and there but apart from that most of the structures seemed untouched. The people who had taken shelter from them would have survived, but where were they now?
Looking for oncoming traffic as best I could, I turned the corner which led into one of the larger car parks for the supermarkets. Just as the car came out of the corner appearing around a cluster of bushes blocking my view, I saw them. From this safe distance, it looked like a group of kids. Teenagers maybe, but not much older than fifteen if I had to guess. They were gathered together, huddled around a fire they’d managed to get going in a shopping trolley. I sniggered grimly to myself. It looked like something straight out of a film. I mean seriously this was getting too much. Where were their families? Have people just given up and gone off on their own? I know I wouldn’t be letting Rosa out at this time at fifteen, Armageddon or not!
I crept around the corner and slowed the car down further until it came to a stop, just far enough away to keep the engine sound out of their earshot. It was obvious that they’d been drinking anyway, they were busy entertaining each other. Bottles glistening in the firelight, clinking on the ground each time one was knocked over. They probably wouldn’t notice me at all if I stayed to the edges of the car park and kept quiet.
I took one of the long curved fishing knives out of the leather wrap and jammed it underneath my leather belt at my side. As I did it I knew I was being idiotic because I didn’t know how to use a knife. Unless it was a giant onion coming at me. The alternative was walking around defenceless and after the position I found myself in last night I wasn’t prepared to take that risk.
I had emptied out Matt’s kit bag and brought it along with me. I had also packed a hammer, flat head screwdriver and a crowbar from the garage to attempt to jimmy the lock. I soon realised that I needn’t have bothered because as I approached the first store I could see that the windows had all been smashed out. By the looks of it it had been that way for some time, the doors were still locked but the windows of the whole building had been reduced to a row of sharply jagged picture frames.
Cautiously I stepped through a frame. I winced, as the pieces of glass crackled under my feet. I was in but needed to work harder to be quiet. I moved down towards my right. Past the checkouts in front of me, I continued to edge my way along the outside of the store.
I knew what I was heading for. The baby aisle was my priority. If I could find formula it would make my life much easier, Rosa’s biggest comfort came from her morning and bedtime doses of milk.