Ralph started to scream in pain. Not that ‘stubbed your toe’ sort of pain, but more a kind of ‘detached kneecap’ kind of pain, only with seven simultaneous childbirths, neuralgia and a tooth abscess all mixed in as well, for good luck. The sort you hope you never get to experience.
While Ralph screamed, his ear migrated across his face with a sound like tearing cloth and the tips of his fingers shot off and ricocheted dangerously about the small group, smashing a wing mirror and causing two of the bandits to duck for cover.
And that was when Perkins let fly.
There was a burst of energy from his fingertips and a cold fireball burst out from Ralph which then expanded to a sphere about thirty feet wide, paused for a moment in a wonderful display of crackling light, then collapsed rapidly to a ball of light that enveloped the still-screaming Ralph before vanishing in a twinkling of bright lights. There was a distant rumble and all was quiet. Ralph, such as we knew him, had gone.
It’s an Australopithecine
‘Where’s Ralph gone?’ said Ignatius. ‘And who’s that?’
He was pointing at a small, hairy and very primitive-looking man about four foot high with a flattish face and a protruding upper and lower jaw. He had a mild stoop, long arms and legs and was completely naked. He stared at us all with a furtive manner as Perkins sat back heavily in his seat, exhausted.
‘That’s Ralph as an Australopithecine,’ I said. ‘What Perkins did was a Genetic Master Reset – the only thing that could release him from the spells was a complete scouring out of anything that made him Ralph. And since Ralph was human, a Master Reset brought him back to the first thing that would eventually turn out to be Ralph that wasn’t quite human.’
‘You turned Ralph into a caveman?’ said Curtis, staring accusingly at Perkins.
‘It was either that,’ murmured Perkins, still with his eyes closed after the effort, ‘or resetting him to Standard Rabbit. Believe me, Australopithecine is better. At least this way he can evolve back into a human. A rabbit, well, that just stays a rabbit.’
‘Evolve back? That’s a relief,’ said Ignatius. ‘I promised his mother I’d have him back in a week.’
Perkins and I exchanged looks.
‘It’ll take a little longer than a week,’ I said.
‘I suppose we could keep him in a spare room or something,’ said Ignatius. ‘How much longer?’
‘About 1.6 million years. I’m sorry to say that Ralph will spend the rest of his days as a primitive version of a human. He’ll still be Ralph, only with one third brain capacity, some peculiar habits and a mostly obsolete skill-set. Despite this, he’ll pick up a few words and may even learn how to use a spoon.’
‘Ook,’ said Ralph, staring at us all with his small dark eyes. He still looked a lot like Ralph, just shorter and hairier and more extinct.
‘Turn him back, you sorcery piece of scum,’ said Curtis, taking a menacing step forward. ‘I don’t believe this. You turned my best friend into a caveman?’
It was Perkins’ turn to get angry now, but he wasn’t going to. Firstly, he was exhausted, and secondly, it wasn’t in his nature. But it was in mine.
‘Listen here, numbskull,’ I said, pressing a finger against Curtis’ chest. ‘Ralph as you know him isn’t coming back. And just so you know, Perkins didn’t have to help him. But when he did, he gave up some of his own life to do so. That’s right, idiot. Notice anything different about Perkins? He’s aged a decade. He gave those years to save your dumb friend’s life, so the next time you open your stupid gob it will be to say: “Thank you, Mr Perkins, we are not worthy of your generosity”. Understand?’
Curtis and Ignatius frowned and looked at Perkins curiously. Now they looked, they could see he was older. A few minutes ago Perkins had been a spotty-faced eighteen-year-old, but now he was a handsomish man in his late twenties. A Genetic Master Reset takes a lot of wizidrical energy, and if there’s not enough in the air about you, there is only one place you can go: your own life spirit. Magic is a form of emotional energy bound up inside everything that lives, and since all life is one, we are all part of that same magical energy. Life is magic, and magic is life. But the broader point was this: Perkins had given ten years of his life to help Ralph, whom he neither knew nor liked.
Ignatius and Curtis went silent, and stared at one another with, I hope, a sense of shame. Gareth and his bandits, who had been watching the spectacle with a kind of appalled curiosity, decided they had seen enough.
‘We’re done,’ said Gareth. ‘Lower the finger, wizard, and do exactly what we say.’
Perkins was too tired to do anything other than what he was told. Within a few seconds he had been hauled out of the half-track and made to sit on the ground. Gareth went through Perkins’ papers and they soon ascertained who he was and that he was totally kidnappable. While this was going on, Addie had moved across to where I was sitting in the driver’s seat.
‘You might have told me you had a wizard with you,’ she said.
‘There’s lots of things I haven’t told you.’
‘Like what?’
‘Like we’re actually looking for the Eye of Zoltar. The guy in Llangurig we need to visit is called Able Quizzler, and he connected the Eye to Sky Pirate Wolff.’
She sighed.
‘I can’t speak for Able Quizzler, but Sky Pirate Wolff hasn’t been seen in years, if she was ever seen at all, and the legendary Leviathans’ Graveyard is exactly that – legendary.’
‘Even so,’ I said, ‘I’d still like to look.’
Addie looked at me and realised just how serious I was.
‘If you’re chasing dreams and legends across Cambria, Jenny, you must want the Eye of Zoltar pretty badly.’
‘If we don’t find it then our two Dragons are to be killed by the most powerful wizard in the land, and we will be honour bound to die attempting to save them.’
‘And would one of those Dragons be rubber right now, the same one you denied knowing anything about?’
‘Something like that.’
‘Terrific. Anything else? Surprises, I mean?’
I thought about the Princess.
‘There might be more … It’s an instalment kind of thing. Will you still be our tour guide?’
‘Of course,’ said Addie. ‘Deluded tourists chasing after barely credible legends is not just our bread and butter, but also very entertaining. I think you’re mistaken, but I’ll still help you.’
I thanked her, and my attention was taken by a comment from the bandit named Rhys.
‘How much can we ransom him for?’
‘We’re not going to ransom him,’ announced Gareth, ‘we’re going to give him away.’
The two other bandits stopped and stared at Gareth suspiciously.
‘To the Emperor,’ continued Gareth. ‘His Tyrannic Majesty will look favourably upon such a valuable gift.’
The two bandits nodded enthusiastically, and my heart fell. Emperor Tharv would indeed welcome the gift. He needed sorcerers, and for one reason only: to help him develop a powerful Thermowizidrical Device with which to threaten his neighbouring kingdoms. Needless to say, this would not be a good thing.
‘It’s time we left,’ said Addie in a low voice, ‘before Gareth starts wanting the half-track as well.’
‘No way,’ I said. ‘I can’t leave without Perkins.’
‘You don’t have a choice – unless you think you can kill those three and get out of the country before the rest of their tribe catches up with you?’