I approached and bowed low, and he permitted me to kiss his large gold signet ring.
‘Your Majesty,’ I said with all due solemnity.
‘Greetings, Miss Strange,’ he said cheerfully, spreading an arm wide to indicate the hall. ‘Welcome to our little oasis of domestic normality.’
Normality was not a word I’d choose. I didn’t know anyone whose food taster had a food taster, nor anyone who had made mice illegal, taxed nose hairs or changed their curtains hourly ‘so as not to afford good hiding places for assassins’.
‘And an apology may be due for that regrettable incident two weeks ago,’ he added, ‘when it might have appeared that I used the power of the state to attempt to win the magic contest.’
‘Water under the bridge,’ I said diplomatically.
‘Your forgiving air does you credit,’ came a melodious voice close at hand. It was Queen Mimosa, who was as elegant a figure as I had seen anywhere. She held herself with poise and quiet dignity, and whenever she moved it was as though she were walking on silk.
‘Your Majesty,’ I said, bowing again.
The King and the Queen could not have been more different. The sole reason the Kingdom of Snodd enjoyed a better-than-normal reputation these days was Queen Mimosa’s guiding hand. Popular rumour said she agreed to marry the King and bear his children in order to give a better life to his subjects, and if true, this would be a very noble sacrifice indeed. Before marriage she had been just plain Mimosa Jones, a medium-ranked sorceress in her own right, and it was rumoured that the Queen was a Troll War orphan herself, which might explain the large amount of charity work she did on their behalf.
‘Now then,’ said the King, eager to get down to business as he had, apparently, an execution to witness at midday, and didn’t want them to start without him, ‘since you and the rest of those irritatingly disobedient enchanters have the odd notion that magic should be for the good of many, I am having to come to terms with the fact that my relationship with sorcerers cannot be as one-sided as I might wish. Wife? Translate.’
‘He means,’ said Queen Mimosa, ‘that he knows he can’t boss you around.’
‘Exactly,’ said the King, ‘but there is a matter of extreme delicacy that we need to speak about.’
He turned to where his daughter the Princess was waiting for her homework to be done for her.
‘Peaches, would you come over here, please?’
‘What, now?’ she asked, rolling her eyes.
‘If it’s not too much trouble, sweetness.’
The Princess walked over in a sultry manner. I was the same age as her, but we could not have had more different upbringings. While I spent my first twelve years eating gruel and sharing a dormitory with sixty other girls, Princess Shazine had been indulged in every possible way. She wore clothes cut from the very finest cloth, bathed in rainwater imported at huge expense from Bali, and had her food prepared by Michelin-starred chefs. In short, her every whim satisfied in the most expensive way possible. But while extremely obnoxious she was undeniably very pretty with glossy raven-black hair, fine features and large, inquisitive eyes. Although I’d never met her, she was very familiar. She could barely catch a cold or be seen with an inappropriate prince without it becoming front-page news.
‘Yes?’ said the Princess in a pouty kind of voice, arms folded.
‘This is Her Royal Highness the Crown Princess Shazine Blossom Hadridd Snodd,’ announced the King, ‘heiress to the Kingdom of Snodd.’
The Princess looked me up and down as though I were something considerably less important than garbage, but made quite certain she did not make eye contact.
‘I hope this interruption to my valuable time has a purpose.’
‘Pay attention, Princess,’ said the Queen in the sort of voice that makes you take notice, ‘This young lady is Jennifer Strange. The Last Dragonslayer.’
‘Like totally big yawn,’ replied the Princess, looking around her in a bored fashion. ‘Magic is so last week.’
‘She is also manager of Kazam Mystical Arts Management and a young lady of considerable daring, moral worth and resourcefulness. Everything, in fact, you are not.’
The Princess looked shocked, not believing what she had heard.
‘What?’
‘You heard me,’ replied the Queen. ‘Soft living has rendered you spoilt and obnoxious beyond measure – a state of affairs for which I admit I am partly responsible.’
‘Nonsense, Mother!’ said the Princess haughtily, ‘everyone loves me because I am so beautiful and charming and witty. You there.’
She pointed to one of the King’s servants whose job it was to clean up after the royal poodles, who were numerous, unruly and not at all house-trained.
‘Yes, My Lady?’ said the servant, who was a young girl no older than myself. She was pale, had plain mousy hair and was dressed in the neat, starched dress of the lowest-ranked house servant. She also looked tired, worn and old before her time. But she somehow held herself upright, with the last vestiges of human dignity.
‘Do you love your Princess, girl?’
‘Begging your pardon yes I do, My Lady,’ she said with a small curtsy, ‘and am surely grateful for the career opportunities your family’s benevolence has brung to me.’
‘Well said,’ said the Princess happily. ‘There will be an extra shiny penny in your retirement fund; it will await you on your seventy-fifth birthday.’
‘Her Ladyship is most generous,’ replied the girl and, knowing when an audience has ended, went back to cleaning up after the royal poodles.
‘You see?’ said the Princess.
‘A character reference from a Royal Dog Mess Removal Operative Third Class is hardly compelling, Princess. Our minds are made up. If Miss Strange agrees, you shall take counsel from her, and try to improve yourself.’
The Princess’s mouth dropped open and she gaped inelegantly like a fish for some moments.
‘Take counsel from an orphan?’ said the Princess in an incredulous tone.
I could have taken offence, I suppose, but I didn’t. You kind of get used to it. In fact, truth to tell I was getting a bit bored, and was instead wondering whether Once Magnificent Boo was safe in the Cambrian Empire, and if my Volkswagen had ended up in a tree or something.
‘You may shake hands with Miss Strange,’ continued the Queen, ‘and then we will discuss your education. Is this acceptable with you, Miss Strange?’
‘Only too happy to help,’ I said, not believing for one second that the Princess would agree to such a thing.
‘Good,’ said Queen Mimosa. ‘Shake her hand and say “good afternoon”, Princess.’
‘I’d rather not,’ retorted the Princess, looking me in the eye for the first time. ‘I might catch something.’
‘It won’t be humility,’ I replied, staring at her evenly, and figuring that this was probably what they thought the Princess needed. If my head was off my shoulders in under ten minutes, I was wrong. The Princess went almost purple with rage.
‘I have been impertinenced,’ she said finally. ‘I insist that this orphan be executed!’
‘I’m not sure “impertinenced” is a word,’ I said.
‘It is if I say it is,’ said the Princess, ‘and Daddy, you did say for my sixteenth birthday I could order someone executed. Well, I choose her.’
She pointed a finger at me. The King looked at Queen Mimosa.
‘I did sort of promise her she could do that, my dear. What sort of lesson is it if I don’t keep my word?’