I knew I was probably going to screw this up, but I had to say something.
"I don’t think any of us truly appreciate what we have until it’s gone."
She nodded her head. "That’s so fucked up, though, right? We are all so fucked up."
"We’re human." I shrugged, but she was right. We were fucked up, and I was more so than her. "Give yourself a break."
"Is that what you want me to give you?" She turned her head to the side and looked up at me. Her beautiful neck was completely exposed, her lips open and begging me to kiss them, but she wasn’t mine.
I had fucked everything up, and I didn’t get to do those things anymore. I didn’t get to touch her like that after what I had done.
"Do you think you deserve a break?" There was a fire in her eyes that dared me to push her. She was looking for a fight, but I wouldn’t give it to her. I wouldn’t demand things from her that I knew she shouldn’t give me.
"No." I shook my head but didn’t let my gaze fall from hers. "I just want you to understand."
She scoffed. "You want me to understand why you put a sex tape up of me?"
"Technically, it wasn’t a sex tape."
She narrowed her eyes, so I decided to move on.
"And I swear I didn’t post it. I know it doesn’t make me innocent, but I didn’t post it for everyone to see."
"No." She turned harder in my direction. "According to you, you only sent it to my stepbrother to watch. Do you know how fucked up that is? Do you know how fucked up it is that you’re asking me to believe that he would do that to me?"
"You believe I did."
"Because you recorded it," she yelled, and I saw a few heads turn our way. "Even if I’m to believe that someone else posted it, you are the one who had the video of what we did. You made me fucking trust you, then you exploited my trust in every way possible."
"I know." I did know. She was right. There was no excuse for what I had done. There was no reasoning that made me any less the villain simply because I hadn’t shared that video with everyone.
I was the one who had betrayed her.
I was the one who had entangled her in my fucked-up plan for revenge.
"But you’re so beautiful." She reached her hand up and ran it along my jaw, and I couldn’t breathe. I was so caught off guard by her words. "It’s a shame you’re so damn cruel."
She leaned closer to me, and her sweet smell overwhelmed me.
"You’re beautiful." I pressed my hand against hers and held it to my face to keep her from escaping.
"But not beautiful enough."
"Don’t say that shit." My blood felt like ice in my veins at her words.
"Why would you say that?"
"Because." She pressed her body into mine, and even though I knew this was a bad idea, I couldn’t help feeling intoxicated by her touch. "Cami’s beautiful."
I grabbed onto her shoulders and pushed her far enough away from me so I could get a good look at her face. "Cami is beautiful, but not like you."
She shook her head slightly, and I knew that she didn’t believe what I just said. I was a fucking idiot and made her compare herself to Cami. I had made her compare herself to someone who wasn’t even on the same playing field as her.
"But you wouldn’t have done this to her." She looked up at me, and without question, I could see nothing but hurt in her eyes.
I didn’t deserve her forgiveness, but that fact didn’t stop me from wanting her.
"I shouldn’t have done this to you." I pushed some hair out of her face.
"I’m an idiot."
She ran one of her hands up my chest, and I felt like every living part of me followed the movement. Her hand was like a magnet attracting every feeling my body could handle, and I didn’t know what to do or think or say as her hand curled around the back of my neck.
"I guess we’re both idiots then." She pushed up onto her tiptoes, and I knew she was going to kiss me. It was the determined look in her eyes, the way her body pushed slightly harder in the mine, and the way her lips opened slightly as her mouth moved closer to mine.
I didn’t say a word as she fell into me. I could barely breathe, let alone think, but I knew that I couldn’t let this happen. If I wanted any chance in her forgiving me, I couldn’t let her kiss me simply because I felt like I couldn’t go another moment without it.
I craved her kiss like a junkie, but it would do neither of us any good. She
had been drinking, and she still hated me. And when she woke up tomorrow morning and remembered that I had let her kiss me, that I had taken advantage of the fact that she wasn’t thinking clearly, she would hate me even more.
Her breath fell against my lips as her focus moved to them as well. She was so close. One of us would only have to move an inch to close the space between us, and I wanted to. More than anything, I wanted to lean forward and kiss her and not come up for air until she knew that this is exactly where she was meant to be.
I didn’t want to let her go until she knew that what I said to her was sincere and that nothing else mattered besides me and her.
But I knew that wouldn’t happen. Regardless of what I wished for, she wasn’t going to forgive me simply because I wanted it to be so. If I wanted her forgiveness, I would have to work for it, and this wasn’t how I would do it.
I leaned forward before she could do anything reckless, and I pressed my lips to her forehead. She huffed as her hand tightened around the back of my neck, and she tried to force my head down to meet hers.
"Josie, stop." I tried to push her away from me gently, but she clung to me as if she never wanted to let go.
"Kiss me." Her lips hit my jawline, and everything inside of me wanted to turn my head slightly to meet hers. No one could see us, no one was paying any attention, and I could have just devoured her mouth at that moment and made her remember why she liked me in the first place.
It would be so easy.
My body was thrumming with the feel of her against me. The idea of stopping her felt so terrible, so foreign, and every part of me was bucking against the idea.
"Josie, you’ve been drinking, and I want this to be more than a mistake you made."
She stumbled back from me, and I knew she was pissed. Her eyes were full of that fire that I loved, but they were mixed with so much hurt, so much pain that I had caused her. I hated that I was causing her even more right now.
"You don’t want to kiss me?" She took another step back. "What, I’m only good enough if it’s gonna be caught on camera? Is that how this works?"
She motioned back and forth between us with her hand.
"Of course, that’s not how this works. But I’m not taking advantage of you."
She laughed, and there wasn’t an ounce of humor in it. She sounded like she was on the edge of snapping. "You’re not going to take advantage of me?
Is this the new thing you’re doing? I thought that’s what Beck Clermont did."
I ran my hands through my hair and tried to think about what to say to her. Her small hands were clenched in fists at her sides, and her gaze bounced over me like she was thinking of the perfect spot to strike. I would let her if that would make her feel better. She could hit me, take her anger out, whatever she needed if that meant she would forgive me after.
"Let’s not do this tonight. That’s not why I came here."
She stepped toward me quickly as if she was in a rush to get the answer from my lips. "Then why are you here, Beck? You just want to make sure that I’m not having a good time. You just want to ruin everything for me?"
"Of course not." I shook my head and reached out for her but then thought better of it.