"That’s not what I meant." I shook my head and held him closer to me as
I could feel him pulling away. "I know you wouldn’t."
Because regardless of what he did do, I knew that he wasn’t capable of that. He wasn’t capable of being anything like Lucas. Not really.
"Are you telling me that you don’t want this? That you want me to leave you alone?" His gaze searched mine, and I knew that he was as desperate for an answer as I was. But I had no clue what to tell him.
Of course, I wanted him, but he had hurt me. I couldn’t just forgive what he did like it didn’t matter at all.
"I’m out here with you right now, aren’t I?"
"You are." He nodded, and I watched as his Adam’s apple moved beneath the smooth skin of his neck.
"Then that will have to be good enough for now."
He nodded, and I knew that he wanted to say more. He wanted to demand more from me, but he wouldn’t.
"I am sorry, you know. For the way everything happened. For what I did to you."
I let his words wash over me, and I tried to take them at face value.
Whether he was sorry or not, he did what he did with clear intentions.
He looked away from me for a moment before bringing his gaze back to me. "When I first met you, I didn’t care whether or not you hated me. I couldn’t see anything past getting revenge."
My body stiffened even though I knew his words were true, but he kept his hold on me and continued to move me around the garden.
"I didn’t realize how fucked up my plan was until far too late."
"Until when?" I was so desperate for his answer. I needed to know exactly when he came to regret his plan. I needed to know if he only regretted it after everything was said and done.
"Until I started falling for you."
I shook my head to block out his words. They were just a bunch of pretty letters slung together that didn’t mean anything.
"You aren’t falling for me." My words were so firm and sure. I wasn’t sure of anything when it came to Beck, but I was certain about that.
I pushed away from him, but he didn’t let me go. He wouldn’t give me a single inch of room.
"You have no clue."
His words pissed me off. He thought that I didn’t have a clue, but I knew far better than he did. I was the one who had to sit back and watch what he
had done to me. I was the one who had to deal with all the consequences of being used by him for everyone to see.
I pushed on his chest again and forced his hold to loosen.
I couldn’t just stand here and dance with him and act like some idiot who didn’t see what was staring her right in the face.
"I have no clue?" I laughed, and his hand was still clinging to my side despite how hard I was trying to get away. "You don’t get to say things like that to me after what you did."
His hand finally fell from my side, and I tried to control my anger along with my breathing.
"So, when do I get to say things like that to you, because I’m confused?" I could see the same anger swarming in his eyes. "Because you didn’t mind me touching you or talking to you in the locker room."
I stared at him, and I wished that I had never even come out to the stupid garden. Because I knew that the moment I walked out here I was doing so to see him.
There was no use in lying to myself.
And I knew that it was a mistake.
It was a damn mistake, and I had let him make me look like a fool over and over again.
"Don’t worry. It won’t happen again." I pushed past him, but he snatched my hand in his before I could escape.
"We both know that isn’t true."
"You don’t know shit." I jerked my hand away from him, but he held tight.
"I know that you still want me regardless of what you think you should or shouldn’t do. Regardless of what they tell you to do." He nodded toward the ballroom.
"What they tell me to do is to stop being a fucking idiot." I pointed to the room. "They all saw what you did to me. They all had a front-row view of you between my legs."
"I’ve told you that I was sorry."
"And what?" My hand was shaking in his, and I felt like every part of me was about to snap. "That’s supposed to mean something? I’m simply supposed to forgive you because you claim to be sorry for something you did on purpose? You meant to do what you did to me. You knew exactly what you were doing, and you don’t get to say you’re sorry with a smile on your
face and expect me to give a shit."
He finally let my hand fall from him, and I stumbled back away from him.
He ran his fingers through his hair, and I knew that he didn’t know what to say to me. "What do you want me to say, Josie?"
"Maybe the truth for once. Maybe just admit that you are happy with what happened. That you're ecstatic my father is so pissed off that he has threatened me with the only things I have left."
"He threatened you?" Rage took over his face, and if I wasn’t careful, it was enough to make me feel like he cared. But I blocked that out before it could take over.
"Don’t act like you care, Beck. You don’t get to care."
"So, what? I make one fucking mistake and that’s it."
"You didn’t make a mistake," I yelled at him, and I knew that we were probably drawing attention from those in the event. I prayed that the music was loud enough that none of them could hear us. "You made a choice, and you need to man the fuck up and deal with it."
I didn’t wait for him to say anything else. I couldn’t listen to him and not let his pretty words mess with my head. Because I knew that was what he would do. He would continue to fuck with my head until I could no longer see that he was the villain and I was his prey.
So, I walked away and reminded myself that I wasn’t this girl. I wouldn’t just let him have whatever part of me he wanted whenever he wanted it. I couldn’t. But I couldn’t help the overwhelming feeling of regret that took over me with every step I took away from him.
CHAPTER TWELVE
BECK
Josie pushed through the door back into the ballroom, back into the sea of people who didn’t want us together, and I followed her without thinking.
I didn’t care what her dad thought of me or how her stupid-ass stepbrother felt. But I did care that they had threatened her. I had no idea what she meant by that, by her dad taking away everything she had left.
Was he talking about cutting her off financially?
I couldn’t imagine that Josie really cared about being bankrolled by her father, but I knew that she had nobody else to rely on.
I didn’t even know what her plans were for after she graduated. Did she plan on staying here or running as far from her family as she could get? I was driving myself crazy over the girl, and I barely knew her.
But I somehow felt like I knew everything.
She didn’t look back once as she stormed through the ballroom. She was pissed. Everything had been fine until I told her that I was falling for her. Her reaction was immediate and shocking, and I didn’t know what to think.
I knew that I had a lot more making up to do before I could ever expect her to think differently of me. I had painted the picture of myself perfectly in her mind, and only I could make her see differently.
But I didn’t know if she ever would.
After what I had done, I couldn’t imagine how she could ever see past it, but I thought for a moment that she was. She had been so different from one moment to the next. When I walked out to the garden and she looked at me like she wanted me more than she had ever wanted anything, I had hoped for
a different ending.
And I didn’t mean sexually.
I just wanted her to trust me, to want me, to give me a fucking chance.
But I couldn’t get angry with her for not wanting to be around me or trust me. Hell, if I was her, I wouldn’t want to be around me either.