Cami landed a blow to my jaw, and I winced as the pain lanced through
me.
But I didn’t let it stop me. I took everything out of her. Every bit of hurt and anger that I had been bottling up since I came to Clermont Bay was pouring out of me, and I wanted to tear her apart.
She seemed every bit as eager to destroy me too. Our hands and fists flew in the air, and I could barely tell what was happening beyond the contact of my hands hitting her and hers hitting me.
I was jerked away from her, and I pushed the hair out of my face just in time to see Carson pin her up against the locker to keep her from getting to me.
"Fuck you, Josie. You are so fucking dead."
"Go suck a dick, Cami. Isn’t that your specialty? Surely someone around here has a life you can ruin." The arms around me tightened and pulled me further away from her. I fought against the grip, wanting to get my hands on her just one more time.
"Stop." Beck’s voice was in my ear, and I went stock-still against him as he pulled me down the hallway.
I didn’t want his hands anywhere near me, not now, not when he was standing there with her like this past weekend hadn’t meant anything at all.
Somehow I felt more betrayed now than I did when that stupid video was posted, and I knew why.
I knew the reason, but I hated it.
I was in love with Beck Clermont, and I was still nothing but a game to him.
I was nothing more than whatever he chose for me to be.
And I hated him for it.
That was the thing about him. Since the moment I met him, I had never felt neutral. Not one single part of me. My feelings for him were always extreme, and he was the one who controlled them. He was the one who determined whether I hated or loved him, and it had come from some sick game to him.
I could flip from one feeling to the next so easily, and he knew it. I had become just like the rest of the people in this town, so infatuated with this boy who didn’t deserve it, and I couldn’t bring myself to fight him as he pulled me into the girls’ bathroom and away from the scene I had just caused.
He dropped me to my feet, and I tried to catch my breath as he started pacing up and down the length of the bathroom. I had no idea what the hell
he had to pace about, but I was trying to calm my racing heart, and he was doing nothing but fueling my anger.
I closed my eyes, and all I could see was him and her.
I could just imagine the two of them talking about this weekend. Talking about the way he made me fall for him like a damn fool.
Because I had.
I had fallen for him so damn hard that I knew I couldn’t just walk away. I would never be able to walk away from him and not lose some part of myself.
Because he had stolen it.
He had stolen a part of me I would never get back, and I hated him for it.
"Get out."
I opened my eyes, and he was staring at me. He was running his fingers through his hair, and I knew that there was probably some slick line on the tip of his tongue that would make me question whether or not he was truly capable of breaking my heart, but I didn’t want to hear it.
I couldn’t hear it or I would let him win.
Again.
I would continue to let him take more and more from me even though I knew he wasn’t worth it.
"Josie." His voice was broken and unsure, and it shouldn’t have made my chest hurt, but it did.
It ached and my stupid heart begged me to look up at him and listen to what he had to say. Fighting it was almost impossible, but I had to do it.
I had to fight against every instinct that told me that he really loved me because he had made me believe that. He had made me believe it so well that even he couldn’t seem to convince me otherwise.
Even when the proof was right in front of me.
I swallowed down a gulp of air and pushed my pride down with it. I didn’t have the luxury of being a stupid girl. I needed to get my head on straight and forget that he ever existed.
"I said get out." I finally looked up at him, and I hoped he could see how angry I was. I hoped he knew that I was no longer going to be a part of his fucked-up world.
"Fuck." He reached out for me before thinking better of it and clasping his hand into a fist. "I just… I can’t…"
"Then don’t." I could feel every part of me shaking. "Just leave and go
out there and check on Cami. God knows you're dying to find out if she’s okay."
"If I wanted to be with Cami, I would be, but I’m here with you."
"So that’s supposed to mean something?" I yelled at him, and I knew that I probably looked crazy. I could feel my hair sticking to the side of my face and my uniform was completely disheveled. "You don’t get to choose when you want me or don’t want me, Beck. That isn’t how this works."
He was watching me, staring at me like he was dying to say something that would actually fucking mean something, but instead, he said, "You’re right."
You’re right.
Those two words echoed over and over in my head, and I tried my hardest to make them stick.
No matter what he said after this moment, I needed to remember that I was right, and I deserved more than whatever parts of himself he was willing to give me.
He started to walk toward the door, and I should have let him leave. I should have kept my mouth shut and let him walk away.
But I didn’t.
"You’re a fucking coward."
He stopped in his tracks, his body perfectly still besides the rapid push and pull of his breath, and I waited for him to say something. To say anything.
I wanted him to yell at me, to tell me that I was nothing more than what he had made me; I wanted him to fuel this fire that was raging inside me, that would instill that I didn’t forget how much I hated him, but he did none of those things.
He simply stood there for a moment with his back toward me, then he walked out the door as if I didn’t matter at all.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
BECK
Josie wasn’t going to make anything easy on me.
Not that I had expected her to.
Not after everything I had done.
And I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t explain that I wanted her more than I had ever wanted anyone in my entire life, but I couldn’t have her.
That I cared about her too much to have her.
Because I knew that she would choose me. If she was given the choice of me or everything her father threatened to take away, I knew that she would choose me.
She would choose me, and I would never forgive myself for it. Even if that meant I had to hurt her now. I knew that her mother’s house was far more important to her, and I wouldn’t be the one to take it away.
If Mr. Vos did that, it would be all on his own.
I would have nothing to do with it.
Even if every moment of every day had me dying to talk to her. It had me dying to call her and beg her to forgive me just one more time.
I couldn’t do it.
Not when I knew that it would hurt her far worse.
I walked out of my dad’s office, and I dragged my feet as I headed into the kitchen. My dad needed some paperwork from the kitchen manager, but I knew that Josie would be there. Even if she hated me, she hadn’t given up her job, and I wasn’t surprised when she had shown up on time this morning and looking like she hadn’t been affected by what had happened between us at all.
Except for the fading bruises on her jaw that she tried to cover with makeup.
She hadn’t looked at me when I saw her then and she still wasn’t looking at me when I pushed through the kitchen doors. She was wiping down silverware, and as soon as she noticed me, she stared down at the fork in her hand as if the task took all of her attention.