She nodded, her eyes wide with pain. “I’m fine.”
“Adel, we’ll carry Jonman out first.”
“The good news,” said the Godspeed, “is that I can maintain power indefinitely using my frontside engines.”
“Didn’t you hear me?” Jarek’s voice rose sharply. “We’re leaving right now. Jonman and Kamilah can’t wait and the rest of us vermin have no intention of being sterilized by your fucking prazz.”
“I’m sorry, Jarek.” She stared out at them, her face set. “You know I can’t send you home. Think about it.”
“Speedy!” said Meri. “No.”
“What?” said Adel. “What’s he talking about?”
“What do you care about the protocols?” Jarek put his arm around Meri’s waist to steady her. “You’ve already kicked them over. That’s why we’re in this mess.”
“The prazz knows where we are,” said the Godspeed, “but it doesn’t know where we’re from. I burst my weekly reports…” “Weekly lies, you mean,” said Adel.
“They take just six nanoseconds. That’s not nearly enough time to get a fix. But a human transmit takes 1.43 seconds and the prazz is right here on board.” She shook her head sadly. “Pointing it at the Continuum would violate my deepest operating directives. Do you want a prazz army marching off the MASTA stage on Moquin or Harvest?”
“How do we know they have armies?” Jarek said, but his massive shoulders slumped. “Or MASTAs?”
Jonman laughed. It was a low, wet sound, almost a cough. “Adel,” he rasped. “I see…” He was trying to speak but all that came out of his mouth was thin, pink foam.
Adel knelt by his side. “Jonman, what? You see what?”
“I see.” He clutched at Adel’s arm. “You.” His grip tightened. “Dead.” His eyelids fluttered and closed.
—this isn’t happening—
“What did he say?” said Meri.
“Nothing.” Adel felt Jonman’s grip relaxing; his arm fell away.
—dead?—buzzed plus
Adel put his ear to Jonman’s mouth and heard just the faintest whistle of breath.
minus buzzed—we’re all dead—
Adel stood up, his thoughts tumbling over each other. He believed that Jonman hadn’t spoken out of despair—or cruelty. He had seen something, maybe a way out, and had tried to tell Adel what it was.
—don’t play tikra with Jonman—buzzed minus—he cheats—
—dead—plus buzzed—but not really—
“Speedy,” said Adel, “what if you killed us?” What would the prazz do then?”
Jarek snorted in disgust. “What kind of thing is that to…” Then he understood what Adel was suggesting. “Hot damn!”
“What?” said Meri. “Tell me.”
“But can we do it?” said Jarek. “I mean, didn’t they figure out that it’s bad for you to be dead too long?”
Adel laughed and clapped Jarek on the shoulder. “Can it be worse than being dead forever?”
—so dangerous—buzzed minus.
—we’re fucking brilliant—
“You’re still talking about the MASTA?” said Meri. “But Speedy won’t transmit.”
“Exactly,” said Adel.
“There isn’t much time,” said the Godspeed.
Adel was impressed with how easy it was being dead. The things that had bothered him when he was alive, like being hungry or horny, worrying about whether his friends really liked him or what he was going to be if he ever grew up—none of that mattered. Who cared that he had never learned the first law of thermodynamics or that he had blown the final turn in the most important race of his life? Appetite was an illusion. Life was pleasant, but then so were movies.
The others felt the same way. Meri couldn’t feel her broken arm and Jonman didn’t mind at all that he was dying, although he did miss Robman. Adel felt frustrated at first that he couldn’t rouse Kamilah, but she was as perfect unconscious as she was when she was awake. Besides, Upwood predicted that she would get bored eventually being alone with herself. It wasn’t true that nobody changed after they were dead, he explained, it was just that change came very slowly and was always profound. Adel had been surprised to meet Upwood Marcene in Speedy’s pocket-afterlife, but his being there made sense. And of course, Adel had guessed that Sister Lihong Rain would be dead there too. As it turned out, she had been dead many times over the seven years of her pilgrimage.
Speedy had created a virtual space in her memory that was almost identical to the actual Godspeed. Of course, Speedy was as real as any of them, which is to say not very real at all. Sister urged the newcomers to follow shipboard routine whenever possible; it would make the transition back to life that much easier. Upwood graciously moved out of The Ranch so that Adel could have his old room back. Speedy and the pilgrims gathered in the Ophiuchi or the Chillingsworth at meal times, and although they did not eat, they did chatter. They even propped Kamilah on a chair to include her in the group. Speedy made a point of talking to her at least once at every meal. She would spin theories about the eating man on Kamilah’s medallion or propose eyejack performances Kamilah might try on them.
She also lobbied the group to mount The Tempest, but Jarek would have no part in it. Of all of them, he seemed most impatient with death. Instead they played billiards and cards. Adel let Jonman teach him Tikra and didn’t mind at all when he cheated. Meri read to them and Jarek played the ruan and sang. Adel visited the VR room but once; the sim made him feel gauzy and extenuated. He did swim two thousand meters a day in the lap pool, which, although physically disappointing, was a demanding mental challenge. Once he and Jarek and Meri climbed into bed together but nothing very interesting happened. They all laughed about it afterward.
Adel was asleep in his own bed, remembering a dream he’d had when he was alive. He was lost in a forest where people grew instead of trees. He stumbled past shrubby little kids and great towering grownups like his parents and Uncle Durwin. He knew he had to keep walking because if he stopped he would grow roots and raise his arms up to the sun like all the other tree people, but he was tired, so very tired.
“Adel.” Kamilah shook him roughly. “Can you hear that? Adel!”
At first he thought she must be part of his dream.
—she’s better—
—Kamilah—
“Kamilah, you’re awake!”
“Listen.” She put her forefinger to her lips and twisted her head, trying to pinpoint the sound. “No, it’s gone. I thought they were calling Sister.”
“This is wonderful.” He reached to embrace her but she slid away from him. “When did you wake up?”
“Just now. I was in my room in bed and I heard singing.” She scowled. “What’s going on, Adel? The last thing I remember was you telling Speedy you knew we were decelerating. This all feels very wrong to me.”
“You don’t remember the prazz?”
Her expression was grim. “Tell me everything.”
Adel was still groggy, so the story tumbled out in a hodgepodge of the collision and the prazz and the protocols and Robman and the explosion and the blood and the life support breech and Speedy scanning them into memory and Sister and swimming and tikra and Upwood.
“Upwood is here?”
“Upwood? Oh yes.”
—he is?—
—is he?—
As Adel considered the question, his certainty began to crumble. “I mean he was. He gave me his room. But I haven’t seen him in a while.”