Right from the beginning, I loved it up there. I don’t know if you’ve spent time in the Catskills. From a distance, say, the parking lot of the old Caldor’s (which became an Ames that became a Stop ‘N’ Shop) in Huguenot, they’ve always made me think of a herd of giant animals, all standing grazing on the horizon. Up close, when you’re driving among them with the early morning light breaking over their round peaks, they seem incredibly present, more real than real, these huge solid heaps of rock that wear their trees like mile-long scarves. You glance at them, trying to keep your eyes on the road, which is already pretty busy with people driving up for a weekend getaway, and somehow you wouldn’t be surprised if the mountain closest to you were to cast off its trees in one titanic shrug and start to lumber away, a vast, unimaginable beast. When you turn off onto whatever secondary road you need to take, and you’re following its twists and turns back into the mountains, and the ground is steep to either side of you, opening every now and then on a meadow, or an old house, you think, Here, there are secret places.
Well, that’s what I thought, anyway. I fished as far west as Oneonta, and as far north as Catskill, taking fish from most of the streams between these towns and Wiltwyck. And while I was standing streamside on a Saturday morning, sunlight bouncing on the water as it tumbled over a small waterfall into a broad pool I was sure held a trout or two, and so had cast the spinner with the tri-hook and was watching the lure descending into the water, waiting to reel it in as I tried to decide if that shadow beneath it was just a shadow or a fish come to see what was for breakfast — I say, moments like this a kind of silence seemed to fall over everything. I could still hear the water chuckling, and the birds having their morning conversation, and maybe a car, far away, but I could hear this other sound, too, this sound that wasn’t one, that was quiet. It was like another space had opened up around me, and it was in that quiet, so to speak, that I came to believe I could hear Marie. She didn’t say anything, didn’t make any sound at all, but I could hear her just the same. I couldn’t have said if she were happy or sad, because I had realized that the moving shadow wasn’t a shadow but a trout, and a big one at that, and I had started winding the handle quickly, making that spinner leap forward through the water, my arms already tensed, waiting for the fish to strike and the struggle to begin. Maybe in another situation, another setting, I would have felt differently, the hair on my arms and neck might have stood straight up and my mouth gone dry. Holding on for that trout, though, whose mouth was about to close on the lure, there wasn’t more I could do about that strange silence than know it was there. Later, after I had helped the fish and a few of his friends out onto the ground beside me and was treating myself to a chocolate bar, I would think about what had happened, about that deep, deep quiet.
Even then, I didn’t feel especially scared. The world’s always seemed a pretty big place to me, full of more things than any one body could know, and I’d be the last person to pretend to understand it all. After Marie died, I hadn’t believed there was anything more, but could be I’d been mistaken. Hell, yes, I wanted to be wrong. Who wouldn’t? Her watching me fish didn’t seem threatening, and, really, why should it have? What time we’d had, we’d had good, and maybe she missed me the same way I missed her and wanted to have a look and see how I was doing. I wouldn’t claim I felt her there with me at every river and stream. I can’t say she was always present when I sat at a particular spot, or came on a certain day. I felt her first and most often in the mountains. She was there once when I had worked my way from the Esopus up a little fast-moving stream whose name I meant to learn later but never did. She was there one afternoon when I returned to my spot on Springvale to discover I’d have to share it with two old women sitting on lawn chairs. I can’t say I was haunted, exactly — that sounds a bit too regular for what happened to me. But I did have a visit or two.
II. Rungs on the Ladder of Loss
I reckon I could go on talking about this for the rest of today and tomorrow besides. You’ll have to excuse me: when I think back to what fishing used to be to me, I can almost forget what it became, so I’m inclined to linger on the memory. It’s a nice feeling to be able to look back on a time when I didn’t spend most of my day at the river wondering what exactly might be swimming up to take my line, and when my memory wasn’t full of images to offer as answers. A school of what might have been large tadpoles, except that each one ended in a single, outsized eye; a fish whose back boasted a tall fin like a dragon’s wing and whose rubbery mouth was hedged with long fangs; a pale swimmer with webbed hands and feet and a face that wavered as you looked at it: all of these and more were ready to set my palms sweating and my heart racing. What’s important right now is that you know the place fishing held in my life; it helps to explain why I started taking Dan Drescher with me.
I knew Dan from work. He was two offices down going towards the water cooler. Tall fellow: that was the first thing I thought when he was introduced to me, and I suppose my reaction was typical. Dan was six foot seven inches, thin as the proverbial beanpole. After his height, you noticed Dan’s hair, which was bright orange and appeared never to have been introduced to the benefits of a comb. He kept it cut short, and I can’t imagine what those sessions at the barber’s must have been like. His face was sharp in a way that made you think of something struck from granite: sharp brow; big, sharp nose; round — but sharp — chin. He smiled a lot, and his eyes were kind, which diminished the sharpness some, but if you reflected on his appearance, you might have thought that his was a face made for fierceness.
At first, Dan and I didn’t say much to each other, though what words we did pass were pleasant. There was nothing unusual in this. I was a good two decades his senior, a middle-aged widower whose favorite topics of conversation were fishing and baseball. He was a young man not that long out of M.I.T. who favored expensive suits and whose wife and twin sons were admired by everyone. Marie’s passing had been long enough ago for me not to feel a pang at the family portraits and snapshots Dan displayed on his desk. I’d been on dates with a few women in the last few years, even had what I guess you would call a relationship with one of them. But I never could bring myself to marry anyone else — just didn’t have it in me. A few months before we were married — this was when we were planning the reception — Marie turned to me and said, out of the blue, “Abraham Samuelson, you are the most romantic man I know.” I don’t remember what my answer was. Made a joke out of it, most likely. Maybe she was right, though, maybe there was more of the romantic in me than I thought. Whatever the case, I was alone and Dan had his family, and at the time that seemed to make an unbridgeable gap between us.