He awoke screaming in pain. “What is that? What’s happening?” he asked.
“You were passed out,” I said. “I didn’t know what was wrong—”
“So you burn my face off?” he asked as lumbered to his feet. “Everyone knows that water is toxic!”
“I didn’t! And you were unconscious.”
“Randy!” he shouted.
There was silence for a beat. “If it’s about Verdell,” he said from upstairs. “We’re not talking to her until she apologizes to Bernadette.”
“Look, don’t be upset,” I said. “I was worried something was wrong. I still am—” I gestured over to the other two who hadn’t stirred. “Are they okay?”
“Probably,” he said. “We all wake up eventually.”
Jeremy had now crossed over to the sink, taken a paper towel and rubbed his face, roughly.
“I don’t know where you would get the idea that it was okay to use tap water.” He tapped his own head. “Hello? We’re in an Apocalypse! You wanna let Four Horsemen in while you’re at it?”
“But there was water!” I said. “I took a shower in it!”
“That’s recycled water in the upstairs bathroom,” he said. “Technically, we’ve all been showering and peeing in that water for the past month or so.”
I grimaced. “I think I’m going to be sick.”
Outside there was shouting and faintly I could smell smoke.
“What is that?” I strained to look out a window.
Jeremy yawned and slumped down to the floor again. “I’m so tired. Randy!”
There was thump from upstairs. I started to go toward it, but Jeremy fumbled for my arm.
“Don’t go up there,” he said. “You’re not welcome here anymore.
“What about Randy?” I asked. “He might not be okay.”
I ran for the stairs despite Jeremy’s protests. I went up and headed toward Randy’s bedroom and let myself in. He was slumped over the bed with his tablet open.
“Randy?” I asked.
He didn’t respond.
I shook him. “Randy!”
His eyes fluttered open and he groaned slightly as he slowly sat up. “What’s happening?”
“Are you okay?”
Suddenly he jerked himself up and grabbed his computer. “What are you doing?” he asked. “You’re interrupting my date with Bernadette.”
“You were passed out!” I said. “There’s something wrong with the air in here.”
He rubbed his face like a sleepy toddler. “There’s something wrong with you,” he said. “You got a shower. You got to eat Jeremy’s pastry pups. You don’t own us or this place.”
“That’s not it,” I said. “I think there’s something wrong with this house. Is there a gas leak?”
Outside, there was the sound of a very distinct explosion. It rocked the house slightly and was followed by some barbaric cheers. Then the smell of smoke became even more present.
“Is something on fire?” I asked.
Randy turned back to his computer and shrugged. “Ask Jeremy,” he said. “He’s probably just makings us fajitas.”
“Pretty sure that’s fire,” I said. “Don’t you want to get up and investigate?”
“I don’t want to get up.” He sighed, then yawned heavily. “See if the guys want to start watching Game of Thrones from the beginning again.”
“Didn’t you watch that whole series two days ago?”
He flashed me a look as his computer made a ping sound.
“Excuse me,” he said. “Bernadette’s wondering if she should change her nipple covers. Which ones do you like better?” He flashed me his tablet to show me.
“What were you doing on that dating site anyway?” I asked. “When I contacted you.”
Randy looked back down at the screen. “Jeremy wanted someone to clean the bathroom. We figured it wouldn’t be hard to get any girl out there to do it.” He settled in and wrapped himself in a blanket. “Now leave,” he said. “And don’t come back unless Jeremy made something or you have something worthwhile to add to this household.”
I went back downstairs and realized that Jeremy and the other two roommates were drowsily waiting for me. One of them could barely stand up while Jeremy still hadn’t gotten up from the floor.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“It’s time,” Jeremy said. “You have to go. I think we’ve been patient, but you’re clearly not the fifth roommate that we tinkered with needing.”
Another explosion erupted, rocking the house.
“I’m not going out in that.” I sat in a firm motion on the step. “You send me out there, you might as well convict yourselves of murder.”
“Please,” Jeremy said. He grabbed my arm and tried to hoist me up, but it required too much effort on his part. He was out of breath and let me go.
“You’re getting Arby’s whether you like it or not,” he said.
“Someone in need of some exercise?”
He took a deep breath and put his hand on his heart. “I’m too busy for the gym. I’ve got other things to do.”
“Like not share life-saving technology with those who might need it?” I asked.
He tried again to hoist me up, but I became a dead weight.
“Would you two help?” he asked, clearly annoyed.
One of the roommates rubbed his eyes. “I thought I could do it,” he said. “Maybe we should wait until tomorrow. I’m just too tired.”
“There you go,” I said. “You’ve had a jam-packed day. I can easily wait until tomorrow.”
Jeremy went over to the dining room and moved one of the stock-heavy shelves. Behind it was a door, which he weakly knocked on it with a slight thump. He was slightly winded, but he tried again. This time, it was followed by heavy footsteps and a large man, maybe six-feet-five or six-feet-six, emerging. He was hairy and seemed a bit discombobulated, but he rubbed his eyes in the light and looked around.
“Right here,” Jeremy said.
The man grunted slightly, but turned his attention toward Jeremy.
“Who’s this?” I asked. “Has he been in your basement this whole time?”
“We call him Galactus,“ Jeremy said. “He happily sits in his basement quietly—”
Galactus grumbled.
“Quietly,” Jeremy emphasized. “Until we need him. He’s totally happy. Think about how hard jobs are to find in this era and you’ll stop giving me judgement eyes.”
“So you’re telling me there’s a woman out there who said, ‘I don’t care who it offends, I’m sending a child out into the world named Galactus,’” I said.
Jeremy shook his head. “Duh. It’s Galactus! He’s only the Devourer of worlds! Besides, I don’t know what his real name is.”
“Also, he’s a big fat guy,” said another roommate. “It just made sense.”
“What’s your real name?” I asked.
“Joaquin,” he muttered.
“Hi, Joaquin.”
“Hi.”
“I don’t have the energy for any of this.” Jeremy braced himself against the wall. “Galactus, take her to Arby’s and pick up our food delivery.”
Galactus, or Joaquin, nodded, took a few steps toward me and picked me up with such strength and speed there was no reaction time for me.
“Hey,” I said.
He threw me over his shoulder and moved toward the basement door. Randy’s head poked down from the stairway.
“Is Galactus doing a run?”
“He’s throwing out your girlfriend too, but yes,” Jeremy said, handing Galactus the keys.
“This is bullshit by the way,” I said.
“Tell him to pick up Oreos. The kind stuffed with cookie dough.”
Galactus turned and steered me into a smelly basement and all I could think about was how cookie dough Oreos sounded about like the grossest thing ever.