“Robert!” I tried to stand. “What are you doing here?”
“Doing what I can,” he said. “Same as you. Still alive I see. I’ve taken on a new position.”
He extended an arm. I took it, and he helped me to my feet. “I’ve been looking all over for you. Have you seen my new empire?”
“Really?” I asked. “How’d your human wall find me?”
Joaquin looked hurt. “I’ll have you know that I have a glandular problem!”
Robert seemed pretty pleased with himself. “I figured since you were single and looking for a rebound, I sent this guy to houses with groups of single men with lots of time on their hands.” He had a weird grin. “So how’d that house find you, anyway? Which one of those guys did you follow home?”
I was still picking asphalt out of my clothes. “You make me sound desperate,” I said. “I wasn’t desperate.”
“So how’d you meet them?”
“Dating app,” I mumbled. “Not what you think, though.”
He leaned forward, hand to his ear. “Didn’t get that. One more time.”
“Dating app,” I said louder. “Happy?”
He gestured to Joaquin, who now wandered in a small circle in the parking lot, hands stuffed into his pockets. “Any interest there?”
“Well,” I said. “Ten minutes ago, he blew up a house with four men in it and announced to myself and that Honda Civic that I’m not his type.”
“Uh-oh.” He playfully jabbed Joaquin in the wide gut. “I’ll tell you what I told her. No one cares about the noise your stomach makes during quarterly meetings as long as you have good people skills.”
He chuckled at his own joke. Out of habit, I followed his lead, but sarcastically.
“You look good,” he said. “It’s great to see you getting yourself out there.”
I stared incredulously at him, then at Joaquin, then back at him.
“Getting myself out there?” I asked. “Getting myself out there? What kind of world do you think we live in now?”
I felt the anger and annoyance rising. It felt warm and familiar like an oversized sweater in his smug face. It was the years of trying to follow his every unannounced change of plans, or having him tell me I was failing after I explained to him that I would not sit in his house and wait for a TV to be delivered.
“I don’t know what you’ve done,” I said. “But I’ve been almost been abandoned at an Arby’s, left for dead at the quarantine and been forced to flip through dick pics. Which are apparently still things!”
He frowned. “What happened to Jake?” he asked. “Thought you two were going to work it out.”
“Eh,” I said. “Long story short, his girlfriend tried to murder me after he got locked out of the quarantine and killed for a plate of sandwiches.”
“Boy, that’s rough,” he said. “You okay?”
“Eh.”
“That had to be hard for you.”
I folded my arms and looked away. “It’s in the past.”
“A week ago,” he said. “I have to say, given that you’ve had two boyfriends die horrible deaths, you’ve taken it rather cavalierly. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’ve been grieving,” I said. “It’s a process.”
He tilted his head in a sort of “I care” pose, nodded and reached over to pat me on the arm.
“I have some wonderful wisdom for you, but you can only receive it if you’re ready,” he said.
He raised an eyebrow at me.
“Okay.”
“Regulators have incented companies and individuals to conform to desired behaviors with threats of heavy fines,” he said. “Specific form, rate, disclosure and financial filing requirements carry serious penalties for non-compliance.”
I heard words, but it was as though my mind picked them up, looked at them and shrugged.
“I have no idea what you just said to me,” I said.
“Then you’re clearly not ready for the gospel of risk management,” Robert said, holding his similarly named textbook in his hands.
“This is your Bible?” I asked. “You’re still going on about this risk management nonsense? This is how we’re living?”
“Come,” Robert said and offered me his hand. “There is a new way to Eden, and if you leave yourself open to it, you’ll find it just as I did.”
Reluctantly, I took it as I left Joaquin all alone in the parking lot. “As long as there’s a big ass tub of Animal crackers,” I said.
“I’m sure we can do something.”
As we wandered up and down the food-packed aisles of the store, I looked at it in awe.
“Why does no one else come here?” I asked. “How have you not been ransacked?”
“Joaquin was holding it together when I found it,” he said. “But I’ve put together a crack team.”
In the week since I had last seen Robert, he had run off with Rebecca the quarantine nurse, but along the way, they kept coming across stray women, all who begged for something to eat or some kind of shelter. He offered kind words thanks to his Secrets of Risk Management guide, reading it to whoever wanted to listen. He inspired lonely women disciples, who swore their loyalty and whatever else they had to give. He offered comfort and security in the texts, which had some kind of logic that I didn’t understand. At least that’s what he explained as he led me farther into the store.
“So all these are your wives?” I asked and took a rather large jug of Gatorade from the shelf.
He nodded. “It’s really everything I’ve wanted, and they all can’t wait for whatever it is I have to say.”
He looked out into the distance with a dreamy look in his eyes.
“It’s like a never ending staff meeting.”
He explained to me that he met Joaquin when he discovered the Costco. Joaquin had been living inside behind the cases of dog food when he caught Robert’s two wives trying to break in. At first, he’d tried to seduce them into staying for vanilla wafers and bubble bath. Instead, they ran away and alerted Robert, who came down and told him to get his act together and that he’d be useless in any organization. Joaquin was inspired and prompted to tears. He promised to do anything for change and the chance to be half as successful. Robert felt bad and made a deal with him. He gave Joaquin a job and a picture of me, one from the Mitchellwide directory, and told him that if he could find me and get access to Costco, he’d be given lifelong employment on a seat on Robert’s right hand.
“Like an actual chair?” I asked as I pantomimed a chair with my hands.
“It’s figurative,” he said. “I speak in metaphors. Keep up.”
“What else are you doing?” I asked and took large gulps of Mountain Blue flavored Gatorade. “It’s a wonder you all haven’t been murdered yet.”
Robert shook his head. “Rebecca’s useless, but there’s a girl named Rachel who’s something special. She has a real can-do attitude when it comes to stabbing someone with a shiv or shooting them from a rooftop. That’s a valuable skill, Verdell. The keys to effective management are to find people with potential to make your team better.”
“I thought Randy had potential,” I said. “Can you blame me for just wanting to have food and TV on hand?”
“This is even better.” He nodded in agreement. “You can be part of the winning team and not feel the need to feel complete with a man.”
I shrugged and sighed heavily. “For the last time, I’m not desperate to find someone. Even if they were desperate to find me. Which apparently no one is.”
“You just need to find your purpose,” Robert said. “Which you will.”
A high-pitched argument suddenly broken out near the frozen foods section.
“We agreed, I get the last one, you walking pork roast!” yelled one of the women.