He was both of them, neither of them — a phenomenon no less mysterious for its frequency.
Sam paused. “I’m prattling again.”
“No, no...”
“I am, I can see you.”
“See what.”
“You’re smiling.”
“I can’t smile because I’m happy?”
“I’d love for you to be happy,” Sam said. “Nothing would make me happier. But I’m not sure that’s why you’re smiling.”
“What you just said is very you.”
“Who else would I be?”
Jacob laughed.
“At any rate. It’s good that we never face real judgment in this world. No man could withstand the scrutiny of the Divine gaze. Every last one of us would melt like wax before fire.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t want to think about what I’m in for when I die,” Jacob said.
“I thought you didn’t believe in any of that,” Sam said.
He said it so casually that it took Jacob a moment to grasp the import of what he was being confronted with. He said, “I don’t know what I believe.”
Sam’s eyes creased behind his sunglasses. “It’s a start,” he said. “Now let me go fix you that doggie bag.”
Chapter seventeen
He’d had too much to eat: his dreams blew in strong, almost sickeningly tactile. It was the garden again, and Mai again, receding as he pursued her, locking him in infinite desire.
He woke up drenched, looked down, and saw that he’d been masturbating in his sleep.
He rose groggily to finish the job in the bathroom.
Couldn’t manage it. Tried to conjure her face.
No use: she vaporized.
Tried instead to conjure up some of his greatest hits.
No use.
He sat on the edge of the tub, watching his penis wilt in his hand. Turn on the TV, and ad after ad made it sound like it was a perfectly normal problem, for any man, at any age. But it was a new experience for him, and he didn’t like it in the slightest.
He took the coldest shower he could stand.
By eight-thirty he was on the road to San Diego, a gas station burrito stuffed in the cup holder, fiddling with the stations to drown out reverberations of confusion and shame.
For once the freeway lived up to its name: he cruised, arriving at the Point Loma Marina fifteen minutes early. He parked and got out and took in a chestful of brine and diesel. Across the harbor, the Coronado Bridge threaded through the fog; a naval destroyer lay in for repairs. Gulls circled tauntingly. Jacob bent over the splattered call box to punch in Ludwig’s number, willing the D to hurry up before he got bombed.
Ludwig’s boat was a twenty-five-foot weekend cruiser named Pension Plan. On deck stood a keg-chested man in his early sixties, blond hair leached to white, a blue Hawaiian shirt open three buttons deep, exposing a rooster-red V of sunburnt flesh. He’d kept his stache, yellowed at the fringe by nicotine.
They shook hands and went below, occupying opposite ends of a garishly upholstered banquette set with watery iced tea.
“Clean swap,” Jacob said. “I’ll tell you what I’ve got and hopefully we can both close.”
“You first.”
Jacob had expected as much. He read Ludwig’s skepticism as a product of having been burned before by similar claims. He wanted to help almost as much as he needed help in return.
All the same, he had his own territory to protect, and he cherry-picked in describing the scene, leaving out most of the bizarro elements and making the crime sound like a run-of-the-mill rage killing.
“I wondered what he did to piss someone off that bad,” Jacob said. “Now I know.”
Ludwig’s fingers worked thoughtfully.
“Don’t go sniffing around those families,” he said. “They’ve been through enough.”
Jacob let that pass. “Did you ever work up a suspect profile?”
“FBI gave us their opinion. White male, twenty to fifty, intelligent but underemployed, trouble with interpersonal relationships, meticulous. The usual garbage. I always did think that was — I mean, wow. ‘Trouble with interpersonal relationships.’ That is... that is insightful. That is some superb fuckin analysis, right there. ‘Trouble with...’” He shook his head. “Whatever. Any of that fit your guy?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know who my guy is.”
“What’s he look like?”
Jacob showed him a photo of the head; Ludwig whistled. “Ouch.”
“Bells?”
“Nobody we ever talked to.”
“He couldn’t’ve been that meticulous,” Jacob said. “He left behind DNA.”
“Not too many guys thinking about that in 1988,” Ludwig said.
He stared at the photo, momentarily transported. Then he sagged disappointedly.
“Well, he’s white,” he said, tossing it down. “They got that much right.”
“Who was the original D?”
“They had a whole big R-H task force, but the lead was a guy by the name of Howie O’Connor. Maybe you heard of him?”
“Don’t think so.”
“Grade-A prick. Good cop, though. They forced him out a couple of years after the task force folded. Some witness claims he felt her up, they tell him take a hike pending investigation. A week later, he eats a bullet. Sad stuff.”
“What was his theory?”
“Far as I know, he didn’t have one, or not a strong one. I never talked to him directly. I only know what was in the file, and O’Connor wasn’t the kind who made up stories to fit his assumptions. The general consensus was a drifter, a guy who moves around without anyone ever really seeing him. Remember, this is happening right around the time they nailed Richard Ramirez. People see what they’re conditioned to see.”
“How’s that sit with you?”
Ludwig shrugged. “I caught the case around when the big news was CODIS, media’s going on like now we’ve got this magic thing’s gonna solve every last coldy-moldy piece of crap taking up space in a file cabinet.”
“You never got a hit,” Jacob said.
“Not a one. I reran the profiles, first weekly, then monthly, then on the anniversaries of each killing. I went back and interviewed everyone who was still alive. Nothing had changed. Nobody arrested in the interim. Nobody straining at the seams with guilt. Nothing to deliver on the big promises. My commander implied that nobody would think ill of me if I buried it.”
“You didn’t.”
“I did what I could without getting myself noticed,” Ludwig said. “Then my wife got sick and I bowed out.”
“Who owns it now?”
“Hell if I know. Nobody, probably. Nobody wants to touch it, cause in the first place they’d know they ain’t gonna solve it, and in the second place they’d know they gotta deal with me calling them up and chewing on their ass about it whenever I get bored.”
Jacob smiled. “They must love that.”
“Oh, they’re used to me. I have plenty of time and unlimited long distance. They treat me like a senile old goat, which if you want the truth is what I am.”
“Anyone else at LAPD I should talk to?”
“No one name jumps out at me. You know how it is.”
Jacob nodded. There was no tragedy so large that it would not fade, first from the headlines, then from the mind of the public, and finally from the minds of those charged to prevent its like from happening again. By the time it trickled down to a guy like Ludwig, it would have been all but erased from institutional memory, the smarter cops averting their eyes, looking out for simpler and more fruitful tasks.
What to make of Ludwig, then? The one who pursued the fleeting?
Admire him.
Pity him.
Wonder if he’s you, in thirty years.
Ludwig fired up a cigar and leaned back. “Honesty time. What’s your angle?”