“I hope this trend is short-lived,” he said, giving up and returning to his chair.
I took a seat across from his desk and began by apologizing.
He cut me off, saying he was just glad to see me and was sorry about what I’d been through. He had said as much in a note right after Bennett died, but I had not answered any of the large-hearted notes people had sent, even Leland’s.
His kindness set off what I had hoped to keep from him: tears. There was no point in trying to pretend that I was capable and on track; anyone could see I was utterly unglued. Leland told me to take care of myself first. When I asked how much he had heard about Bennett, he said he knew Bennett was an impostor suspected of murder. Leland would support my taking a leave if I needed it. But he made a case for work as a daily practice that could get me through this, even if I only worked an hour a day.
Could I rally for an hour a day given what my days were like? Did I believe in my thesis any longer? “This isn’t end-of-thesis doubt. I’ve been forced to make a profound reevaluation of what I thought I knew. When I started, I thought I could identify a new victim typology. I believed that compassionate women attract a certain type of predator. I thought I had the data. But now that I have been involved with one, where is my objectivity, my credibility?”
“Who better to examine the phenomenon?”
“That’s the thing. The online profile I created that attracted ‘Bennett’ was designed to draw a control group, not a predator.”
“What would you say about a cop who’s been robbed? I’d say maybe he’s going to be a better cop. Look at your whole hand, not just what you thought was your strong suit. You’ll find a new way to interpret the material.”
I told Leland how much I appreciated his understanding and his guidance. When I closed the door behind me, I hoped he had not written in his notebook, Just plain nuts!
• • •
I had scheduled appointments that day as though I were running a relay race. I went directly from seeing my thesis adviser to Cilla’s office, passing the baton, as it were. I had not spoken with her since my return from the funeral in Maine the week before. I had thought we’d be talking about that, but since talking to Leland, Maine was no longer the priority.
Cilla offered me tea, which she tended to do when I arrived looking upset, which tended to be every week.
“My thesis adviser was sympathetic, but I still think my profile sent a very different signal than what I intended. In the profile, all my favorite novels were variations on a theme: things are not as they seem. I listed my favorite song as Jack White’s ‘Love Interruption.’ ”
“I don’t know that song.”
I sang the first few verses.
“Holy God.” Cilla’s laugh shaded into a cough. “Is that why you went home with the Cajun?”
“ ‘Swampthing.’ But Swampthing wasn’t in charge.”
“That could have overturned itself in an instant.”
“I had an audience in the other apartments. Very Rear Window.”
“But having exposed yourself to anonymous neighbors, you then walked home alone late at night, in an industrial neighborhood.”
“I did indeed.”
“Honey, I have to say that that is the behavior of a potential victim.”
“Is that how you see me?”
“You went home with a woman you’d just met on a Greyhound bus and got raped by her boyfriend. You’ve been putting yourself at risk for a long time. I don’t see you as a victim — not at all — but I see a pattern of self-destructive behavior. Either you learned it from living with your tormented mother, or you have a neurological predisposition to it. The latter requires some form of external activation — such as the rape you endured.”
“You’re saying I was ‘asking for it’?”
“No one asks for what happened to you.”
“Are you saying I’m the kind of woman I study?”
“At the risk of sounding like a Freudian, do you think you are?”
I felt snappish, but sat quietly for a moment. Then something occurred to me. The issue was not or, it was and. I was this way and that way. I was a woman who studied victimology, and I was a woman whose actions had contributed to being victimized. Didn’t this duality make us human? And wasn’t it less damning to think of myself as both, instead of just the one?
• • •
On my way back from Cilla’s, I passed the Delacorte Theater. I had last been there to see Meryl Streep in Mother Courage, a rousing performance, a first and last date. You wouldn’t think you’d feel like having sex after seeing Mother Courage, but my date and I found ourselves groping each other as we walked past Belvedere Castle after the play. We turned into the maze that is the Ramble, and my skewed logic allowed me to follow him down a rocky, unlit path, skewed because I actually believed myself safe, given that so much homosexual coupling was likely to be nearby. That’s what the Ramble was known for, after all. Yet what did I think? That if I found myself in trouble, gay men having intercourse would stop to come to my rescue? Straight men having intercourse would not.
McKenzie would not have led me into the Ramble. Oh — hello! Here was McKenzie, back in my thoughts. Cilla and I had finished the session discussing why I had so many Swampthings and no McKenzie. If I got what I wanted — the bad ones — then how did a person change what she wanted? What she wants. But I did want McKenzie. And he chose Billie. Billie offered to help him, while I had wanted him to help me.
I continued on to the ice-skating rink. I didn’t feel like skating, but it had the best hot chocolate in the city. One winter I’d skated there two or three times a week, feeling like a kid, loving the gliding across the ice, even though it was crowded. I’d finally been driven off by the music — it seemed that whatever time I skated, the sound system was playing a Lionel Richie medley.
I saw a homeless man bundled up and sitting on a bench, reading from a paperback copy of War and Peace. A vendor selling roasted chestnuts was warming his gloved hands under the heat lamp keeping the nuts warm. Dogs wearing coats from tony stores were walked on braided-leather leashes. A well-dressed man wearing different-colored gloves saluted me as he passed. Nice, or nuts, I couldn’t tell.
The salt on the paths left a white ring on my black boots; I would have to oil them when I got home. As I approached my apartment building, I thought of the study that had been done on the moment a dog knows its owner is coming home; film had been made of dogs moving to sit by the front door when their owners started home after work, even when their schedules were irregular. I hadn’t yet unlocked the downstairs door when I heard Olive begin to bark. Hysterically. I raced up the stairs to quiet her before the neighbors complained.
I took Olive for a perfunctory walk, having had such a long one myself. She didn’t seem to mind. She seemed glad for it. After, she curled up at my feet as I waited for water to boil for tea. I heard the murmur of the people in the next apartment, and I liked the vague sounds — it was company without having to have company. It was the hour when the lights inside turned the windows into mirrors, the time when you can no longer discern color in the sky. I turned off the kitchen light so that I would not see my reflection. It was the opposite of my performance in the Cajun’s apartment. Standing in darkness allowed me to look inside others’ apartments, though I saw nothing like what I had done, just strangers making dinner.