He rarely thought about sex, and this disturbed him, as he felt that he should be.
Then he found Sapphire’s Place.
After reading Melanie’s Reluctant Girlfriend, he felt an enormous weight lift from his shoulders. He also felt as if his world was about to come shattering down around his ears. He was suddenly able to identify what he was. He found a semi-sexual arousal. It was more emotional than sexual, as he experienced a warm feeling deep down whenever he thought about what he could have been.
It wasn’t at any image of a male or female, but at the simple concept of him as a male being transformed into a female, and everything that entailed. The arousal was more spiritual than physical. He just knew, for certainty, that he should have been a girl, and everything seemed to become clear. The simple thought of being a girl made his innards feel excited and fluttery.
He couldn’t tell anyone, and that was so hard.
As he reflected on his short life, he felt an enormous sense of loss. If only he had been born a girl, then everything would feel right! He knew that due to his age, not a lot could have been done, even if he was aware and able to share it.
This secret became his new burden, so he began to wish he had never found out.
He had started to dress in his mother’s clothes when he had the house to himself. He had started with just underwear and then progressed to a complete change. Makeup had proved difficult, but after a while, he managed to acquire some small skill, owed in part at least, to his artistic gifts and burning desire to be female.
As he looked at his transformed self, the guilt and inner frustration of the lie he was living, caused him to quit. He had never repeated the performance. It was so painful to look at something he could never be, so he attempted to bury his inner feelings deep in his subconscious.
The shame, guilt, frustration and inner turmoil made Kyle an unhappy young man.
He heard his father arrive home, so he went down to greet him. He loved both parents, and that was part of the problem. He actually cared deeply about what they felt about life, as he believed that they would be deeply shocked and shamed by his secret. He did not want to cause them any pain, despite the fact he was now in almost constant mental anguish.
Supper was quiet, and his father was obviously distracted by a contract that was proving troublesome, so he was not really able to give Kyle his full attention.
Kyle was content to slip back up to his room. His mobile rang. It was Sally.
“Hi Sal, what’s up?”
“Nothing, I was just wondering if you’d done your translation?”
“Yeah, you?”
“Yes. It was quite easy, for a change. What are you doing now?”
“Not a lot, just reading, why?”
“I got a call from Ricky. What’s his problem with Roger and Pete?”
“Don’t ask. It’s a long story.”
“I’ve time. He seems to want people to gang up against them. He asked me what they said this afternoon, just after I saw you in the Virgin store.”
“What did they say?”
“Not much, just something about Jane’s short skirt. Mind you, it is short.”
“Ricky wanted to ask Lucy to go to the Summer Ball, but he heard that Pete asked her. Then he started spreading a rumour that Pete and Roger are gay, in the hope that Lucy would change her mind, and he could ask her.”
“What a dick. Lucy is going with Mark. They’ve been going out for weeks!”
“Yeah, but you know Ricky.”
“I don’t understand why you two are so friendly. He’s a real pain.”
“We go way back together,” Kyle said, not really able to explain it further than that.
“Anyway, Pete asked me after Lucy turned him down,” Sally said.
“Oh, and did you accept?” Kyle asked, feeling faintly jealous.
“Not exactly. I told him I’d let him know. Who have you asked?”
“I haven’t. I wasn’t going to go.”
“Why not? It’s our last one.”
“It’s just not my scene, Sal. You know me.”
“Yeah. That’s the problem.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Look, are you going to be in all evening?”
“I suppose.”
“Can I meet you? I think we need to talk.”
“What about?” Kyle asked, frowning.
Sally laughed a nervous laugh.
“Oh, everything and nothing, life, you, me, just everything really.” she said, evasively.
“Okay. Do you want to come here, or shall we meet somewhere?”
“It’s a nice evening, how about by the river?”
“Sure. Fifteen minutes?”
“Fine. Bye.”
Kyle frowned and disconnected.
He logged out of his computer, and went downstairs.
“I’m off out. I’m meeting Sally,” he told his parents, who were sitting watching the TV.
“Okay. Don’t be late. You’ve school tomorrow,” his Dad said.
“I won’t.”
He went to the garage and wheeled out his scooter. He had passed the final bit of the two-part test only three weeks ago, and he was pleased to be independent. It took him five minutes to reach the car park just over the bridge on the Wallingford Road. Sally’s Mini was already there, so he rode up next to it.
He parked and locked the bike, walked to the path by the river. He found Sally already waiting for him, sitting on one of the benches. She was a pretty girl, with long auburn hair. She was only an inch shorter than he was, and was developing a very curvaceous figure. He was very fond of her.
She smiled as he approached. There was a moment of awkwardness, as she looked as if she wanted to kiss him, and he appeared less inclined to do so.
“Hi, Kyle.”
“Hi.”
They sat for a moment, watching the ducks.
“So, what’s this about?”
“Kyle, I need to know something.”
He glanced at her. She didn’t look at him, staring instead across the river.
“What?”
She turned and stared him right in the eye.
“This is going to sound lame, but what do you think of me?” she asked.
“Think of you? In what way?”
“Any way. I need to know.”
Kyle smiled.
“I think you’re great. You’re more than a good friend. You’re my best friend and I’m very fond of you. Why?”
“Just fond?”
“Sal, why?”
She sighed, and looked down at her hands. She picked at a hangnail, and seemed upset.
“Sally, have I done something wrong?” he asked.
She looked back at him, and he was surprised to see tears in her eyes.
“Oh, Kyle. No, you haven’t done anything. That’s the problem!”
“Problem?”
“Oh shit, Kyle! How thick are you going to be? I love you, you daft sod!”
Kyle felt as if he’d been kicked in the belly.
“Oh,” he managed to say.
“Oh? I’ve fancied you for ages, and thought you felt the same way. But you never said anything, even when I told you Pete asked me to the Ball. Am I so wrong?”
Kyle stared across the water.
“Kyle?”
“It’s not you, Sal. It’s me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I do love you, but not like that. As a friend. More than a friend, but not a boy-girl thing.”
“Kyle, are you gay?” she asked.
It was Kyle’s turn to feel the sting of tears in his eyes.
“No, Sal, I’m not. It would be easier if I was.”
“How do you mean?”
Kyle sat back and looked at the sky. He’d have to tell someone eventually, so why not Sally?
“Sal, I’m not like everyone else. I don’t really know how to explain it, but I’m just different,” he said, trying to work out how to say it without sounding foolish.
“In what way?”
“Look, I’ve never told anyone this, and I hope you won’t tell anyone. Sal, I feel I should have been born a girl.”