Jessie rolled her eyes and smiled. “I ran away in the middle of the night.”
“A very honest response, believe me. You needed space to think. Perfectly acceptable. Although,” her tone changed as she raised a brow, “please tell me your parents aren’t wandering Colorado Springs looking for you.”
Jessie squeezed her eyes shut and slumped in her seat. “Um…”
“Can you at least text them?”
“I didn’t bring my phone.”
“Alright then. Why don’t you use mine, or get on our computer and email them. I can understand not wanting to call, but if it were Angie at your parents’ place I’d be mad if they didn’t make her tell me she was okay.”
Jessie sighed. “You’re right. Okay. Can I use your phone?”
Gayle gave Jessie her cell, and she tapped in a quick message. J here. I’m ok. Be home later. “If they call back, I don’t want to talk to them.”
“Fair enough.”
Gayle let Jessie eat in silence, refilling her coffee and adding pancakes to the plate as she finished. Eventually Jessie held up a hand. “I’m stuffed. That was really good. Thank you.”
“Sometimes crises make you ravenous.”
Jessie chuckled. “Yeah.”
“So now what? You’re more than welcome to stay here for the day. I promise to leave you alone, unless you want something to do, in which case I’ll commandeer your help in organizing my sewing room.”
Jessie smiled. “Thanks for the offer. But, as much as I don’t want to, I should probably go home. I’m sorry for crashing your breakfast.”
Gayle laughed. “Hardly, sweetheart. I’m glad you came.” She laid a kind hand on Jessie’s arm. “And listen. I want you to know that we’ll never judge you based on what your parents do. And honestly, I don’t think many people will. And those that do – well, they’re not the kinds of people you need to be associating with anyway.” She smiled. “Your parents are human. They’ve made huge mistakes, just like the vast majority of people on this planet. But you’re not your parents. You can learn from this, and I’m sure it will affect you, but it doesn’t have to define you. God’s plan for you hasn’t changed in the light of all this – nor has his plan for your parents changed. God knew it all was coming. It’s a lie from Satan that your life is ruined because of their decisions. It’s not ruined. It’s just unfolding.”
Jessie sniffed as a fresh wave of tears welled in her eyes. “Thanks, Gayle.”
“Of course, sweetheart. Drive safely, okay? You’re sure you’re alright?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Alright then. And listen, you can crash my breakfast anytime.”
Jessie gave her another hug. “I’ll remember that.”
Gayle’s eyes twinkled. “Just, you know, wear some real clothes next time.”
SAVANNAH AWOKE TO THE NEIGHBOR’S dog barking. The clock on the nightstand read 7:04. Her mind began to churn, and she knew there was no point in attempting more sleep. She pulled the down comforter over her head, burrowing beneath the sheets. She wanted to hide and never come out-or, even better, to just go back to Georgia. She was done – with her marriage, with everything. She was beginning to feel a lot more empathy with Charlie. And now she had something to share in group therapy at The Refuge. Lucky her.
Then she realized she’d never heard Jessie come in. She’d heard Shaun come home, heard him shuffle down the hall to their bedroom and shut the door without even trying to do it quietly. But Jessie, whose room was next door to the guest bedroom where Savannah had slept, had either been extremely quiet or else had never come home.
She got up and tiptoed out, hoping to avoid Shaun until she figured out what her response to him was going to be. Jessie’s door was still open. She searched the room briefly, looking for the pajamas she’d been wearing when she’d left. They weren’t there.
It didn’t matter how done she was with Shaun, she couldn’t leave and risk losing the tenuous connection she had to Jessie. She had to go find her.
She went downstairs and made coffee while inhaling a bowl of cereal. The problem was, she didn’t actually know where to go to find her daughter. Not the college, obviously, but other than that she could be anywhere. Who were her friends outside of Adam and people on campus? She didn’t know. Where did she hang out when she was home? Again, she had no idea.
She poured the coffee in a travel mug and went to the car. Her brain felt muddled. She longed for the orchard, to walk between the trees and have so much space to think.
She pulled out of the garage and headed to the northbound freeway. She’d gone running at a state-protected open space north of the city once a few years back; that would have to do.
It was close to eight by the time she found her way to a parking spot in a gravel lot beside a stone sign proclaiming Greenland Open Space. More cars were there than she’d expected. She got out and saw a group not too far up the path, comprised mostly of children and a few women. As she neared them she noticed the children – probably between 8 and 10 years old-had notebooks in hand and were writing things down as they saw them along the path. One of the mothers was talking about the kinds of animals that lived in the open space. Savannah deduced it was a homeschooling group.
She skirted them, moving quickly so no one would notice the tears on her cheeks. She had homeschooled Jessie for a couple years. But then A &A had come into existence and she’d put her in school so she could work. How different would things be now had she not made that sacrifice? Even if she’d pursued A &A, but had made a way to school Jessie as well, would they have butted heads all the time, made each other crazy? Or would they have grown together, learning about each other, how to relate to each other, to talk together. Savannah had a feeling she’d at least know now where to look for her daughter.
Thoughts of the other sacrifices she’d made began to fill her mind. Quality time with her husband. Anonymity. Closer friendships with her girlfriends. She’d never considered herself a go-getter, the kind of person who would stop at nothing to achieve what she wanted. And yet she had. Not with the ruthless, heartless ambition of the corporate world, but with passion and conviction to the exclusion of all else, which she easily justified because in the end it was all for God.
Her anger began to take on a new form. It was aimed at herself. Why hadn’t she counted the cost to her family? Why hadn’t she given herself more margin, insisted on more boundaries? Had she really thought the two people most precious to her would escape unscathed?
Her anger needed an outlet. She walked faster, not with the same intent that had driven her in the orchard, but simply to burn off the energy that fueled her anger. Her thoughts formed themselves as conversation as she picked up speed.
Why didn’t you stop me? Why didn’t you open my eyes? What kind of God lets people do such stupid things in his name? And the last couple years, when it wasn’t about you anymore, but all about me, you should have stopped me. If you’re real, that is.
Then it dawned on her: He had. The days before the surgery came back to her – the mourning, the remorse, the repentance.
Okay, so maybe you did. Maybe. I’m not entirely convinced that wasn’t just my own guilt preying on my weakened emotional state. But then why did all the rest of this happen?
Well, I guess Shaun’s actions are his own, and A &A just got caught in the crossfire. Along with me. And Jessie. So what does that mean, exactly? That A &A wasn’t doing a good job? That the ministry was pointless- or that it was actually offensive to you? And I have serious issues with the fact that you let this happen to all the great people we worked with. None of this was their fault. How could you do this to them?