“Um-yeah, sure.”
Savannah sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m really sorry about last night. I’m sorry you had to find out that way. Thanks for letting us know you were alright; we were getting worried.”
Jessie felt a twinge of guilt. “Yeah… I’m sorry I ran out like that.”
“That’s alright; you needed your space.”
Jessie smiled a bit at the echo of Gayle’s words. “Yeah, I did.”
Savannah pulled the ends of her sweater over her hands as her demeanor seemed to shift to one of almost nervousness. “Listen, I wanted to propose something. It-it might sound sort of weird, but just hear me out, okay?”
“Okay.” She was curious despite herself.
“Okay, so… I told you about the Refuge, and Tabitha and Aniyah, and all that… they’ve really helped me, and Tabitha has a really amazing program there. I know we haven’t talked a ton about everything that’s happened lately, or about the things your dad did, so for all I know you’re handling things really well. But, even though you’re an incredibly strong and smart young woman, I know you’ve been hit with a lot of big stuff lately, and I thought it might be helpful for you – if you wanted to, that is – to come to The Refuge with me for a while.”
Jessie hadn’t known what to expect, but this wouldn’t have even been on the list. “What? Seriously?”
“You wouldn’t have to go to the sessions if you didn’t want to- if it just didn’t seem like something that was going to be helpful, no one would make you participate. So, if nothing else, it would be a vacation, and heaven knows you need one.”
She had to smile at that. “Yeah, that would be nice.”
“No expectations, no pressure – just an opportunity to commiserate with some people who can relate to what you’re going through, in their own way, and who might be able to give you some insights. And I promise you’ll have your privacy. I won’t go to the sessions that you go to, so you don’t feel like you have to censor yourself. Heck, we don’t even have to talk while we’re there; you’ll have your own room and everything. I talked it over with Tabitha and she’s totally fine with it all.”
Jessie slowly tilted her chair back, thinking. “Wow. That’s… that’s quite an offer.”
“You don’t have to answer right now, either.” Savannah stood, her hands popping out of the sleeves. “Let me know what you decide. And like I said, no pressure.” She gave Jessie a quick hug, then left her to her thoughts.
Jessie watched the door close, feeling like she was in a dream. Had her mother really just apologized, affirmed Jessie’s fragile emotional state, and then actually managed to offer help without making it sound condescending? If that was the result of her time at The Refuge, then that alone was a reason to go.
But even if it wasn’t, she had to admit the opportunity sounded amazing. The vacation aspect alone was enough to make her want to pack her bags. But to be able to finally dump all her frustrations and anger and grief over the events of the last few years and get some help in sorting through and dealing with it-it was almost too good to be true.
So what do you think? She stared at the computer and took another bite of her apple. A warmth grew in her heart as she imagined the place her mother had told her about the night before. She finished her apple, closed out the classifieds, and picked up her cell phone and dialed. “Hey Torrie, it’s Jess. Look, I’m really sorry to spring this on you, but it looks like I’m going to have to resign. I can probably give you another week, but then I’m… well, I’m going away for a while.”
She couldn’t help the smile that stretched across her face.
THE HOUSE WAS SILENT, BUT for the first time in months, the silence didn’t weigh on Shaun like a suffocating blanket. With his secrets spilled, he could breathe more easily, stand up a little straighter, even though the future was a gaping hole of uncertainty. All that was left now was to apologize.
He wasn’t so naïve as to think that would then be the end of it. He knew serious consequences still lay ahead of him. But the hopelessness that had clawed at his soul and driven him to consider suicide was gone, and even the worst-case scenarios didn’t scare him as much as they once had. It was hard to believe he’d been that desperate. He thanked God for the hundredth time for saving him from himself.
Before him on the desk laid a list of names. Each of the A &A staff was there, as were Nick and Pastor John. He picked up his pen and hesitated a moment before adding Carlie to the end. His eyes narrowed as he put down the pen, but he didn’t scratch her name out like he wanted to. He knew in his heart Savannah was right.
He turned to his computer and began to type. He knew he ought to apologize to everyone face-to-face, and he still planned to do that, but not without some assistance. He outlined what his apology would cover, then began to write the script which would keep him from babbling and trying to defend himself. This wasn’t a way for him to justify his actions, as much as he wanted to. This was a way to try to mend the bridges he’d burned the day he’d locked the door on A &A’s office for the last time.
Rough draft complete, he stood to distance himself from the fallout of his pride and took a moment to wander the small space of his office. Soon he’d need to start paring down to the essentials, sacrificing the tokens of success that lined his bookshelves and walls for the sake of his family. They’d put the house on the market next month and sell what possessions they could to knock down some of the medical debt that still hung over them. It felt good to have a plan, even if the plan meant giving up so many of the things that had fed his sense of self-worth and security-or required him to place himself at the feet of those he had wronged and ask for their forgiveness. That part of the plan hurt. But with God’s help – and only because of God’s help-he’d do it.
A sudden throb in his head made him wince. He looked at the clock and groaned. More time had passed than he had realized. He took one last look at the computer screen, replaced a vague statement of wrongdoing with a flat-out, unadorned, stark admission of guilt, then shut down the machine and went to bed.
SHAUN, JESSIE, AND SAVANNAH SPENT the next few days packing up their most prized possessions and stashing the boxes in the garage. They filled their cars with whatever didn’t make the cut and brought the donations to the Springs Rescue Mission. Shaun made an appointment with a Realtor to have the house listed as soon as possible. Then, three days after Thanksgiving, Savannah and Jessie boarded a plane for Georgia.
Jessie stared out the window at the vast stretches of farmland that filled her view out the plane’s window. “I can’t believe I’m finally flying somewhere.”
“Someday we’ll make sure to fly over the Rockies. There’s a view for you.”
“I can’t believe you did this all the time.”
Savannah chuckled. “Me neither.”
She began to flip through her magazine, though her mind was elsewhere. The next few months would bring chaos and uncertainty as the house hopefully sold and they tried to determine where to settle down. She wasn’t tied to Colorado, and Jessie had confided that she was happy to be getting out as well. Shaun hadn’t spoken much on the subject. He didn’t think it appropriate to express an opinion since it was his fault they didn’t have much choice. She had tried to reassure him that selling their home of twenty years and moving on to new things was an exciting adventure, but he hadn’t bought it. Surely once their debts were paid off he’d be in a better frame of mind.
When they arrived at The Refuge, Jessie’s first words were, “Oh wow, look at the orchard.”