‘Just a minute. If you can put yourself forward, then so can I.’
‘You?’
‘Yes. I, Arnold Bloom. I am putting myself forward as a candidate for the position of Chairman of the SPCS Action Committee.’
‘But you can’t do that.’
‘Why not? You just did.’
‘My situation is entirely different from yours.’
‘In what way?’
‘You are already Chair of the Fethering Village Committee.’
‘Chairman, actually.’
‘Never mind that. If you were also Chair of the SPCS Action Committee, there would be a clear conflict of interest.’
‘No, there wouldn’t.’
‘Yes, there would.’
‘No, there wouldn’t.’
Jude was beginning to wonder whether this pantomime crosstalk would go on until the two men ended up hitting each other. But Quintus Braithwaite stopped the bickering and, turning to the assembled throng of the usual suspects, he said, ‘Very well, we now have two candidates for the post of Chair of the SPCS Action Committee. Myself, Commodore Quintus Braithwaite, and Arnold Bloom, who, as you all know, is already Chair of—’
‘Chairman of—’
‘Chair of the Fethering Village Committee. He claims there would be no conflict of interest were he to take on the role of Chair of both bodies, but I need hardly point out that, should the SPCS Action Committee decide to follow a course which was opposed by the Fethering Village Committee …’ He spread his arms wide and shrugged. ‘Need I say more?’
‘Well, I think you should say more if—’
But the Commodore steamrollered over Arnold Bloom’s objections. ‘Very well, so we’ll take this straight to the vote. Will those of you who believe that Arnold Bloom is the right person to take over the task of chairing the SPCS Action Committee please raise your right hands?’ Only a few went up. ‘And those of you who believe that Commodore Quintus Braithwaite would do a better job in the role, please raise your right hands?’
Maybe, thought Jude, he thinks speaking of himself in the third person makes his total disregard for the democratic process more acceptable? It didn’t matter, though. Commodore Quintus Braithwaite had won the vote and was duly elected Chair of the SPCS Action Committee.
‘Good,’ he said. ‘I’m glad that’s sorted. And I think the next most important thing we should organize is getting some headed notepaper printed. Nothing impresses or shows the seriousness of any business enterprise more than an effective letterhead. Now there’s a stationery printer in London whom my wife Phoebe has used for invitations for charity balls and that kind of thing, and I think we can guarantee that they would produce a stylish letterhead for—’
‘Just a minute,’ interposed Arnold Bloom. ‘Aren’t we getting a bit ahead of ourselves here? Yes, we may in time need SPCS notepaper, but we shouldn’t be thinking about getting it printed until we know what names are going to be on it.’
‘I thought we’d just established,’ said the Commodore acidly, ‘that I am Chair of the SPCS Action Committee. So obviously my name should go on the letterhead.’
‘Yes, but what other names should also be there?’
‘I don’t think, Arnold, we actually need any other names.’
‘But what about the names of the Action Committee’s other officers?’
‘We don’t have any other officers.’
‘No, but we will. You’re not proposing to run the whole thing on your own, are you, Quintus?’
It was clear to Jude, from the expression on the Commodore’s face, that that was exactly what he was proposing to do. ‘Well, obviously,’ he said, ‘I’ll need secretarial back-up and—’
‘But more than that,’ Arnold countered, ‘you will rely on the full support of your committee.’
‘Well, yes,’ the newly elected Chair conceded, ‘I’m sure their views on certain topics will be invaluable to my work but—’
‘I don’t think we can proceed any further until we have appointed the full committee.’ Arnold Bloom sat back with some satisfaction. And even more satisfaction when a ripple of agreement went around the room. No one in Fethering could outdo him when it came to procedural protocol. He felt he had won a small but significant victory over Quintus Braithwaite.
A lengthy discussion then ensued as to the optimum number of committee members required. Needless to say, the Commodore had views on this subject too. He also laid down some ground rules, trying to cancel out Arnold Bloom’s recent triumph. Without mentioning his rival by name, he said he thought it would be invidious for any member of the Fethering Village Committee to be on the SPCS Action Committee, for the previously mentioned ‘conflict of interest’ reasons.
On this he didn’t get his own way, though. Arnold Bloom spoke eloquently of the need for ‘transparent liaison’ between the two committees and, experienced in the ways of managing meetings, pushed for a quick vote on the issue. This time, probably because some of those present were feeling guilty for having excluded such a stalwart of Fethering society from the Chairmanship, he won and was duly elected a member of the SPCS Action Committee.
Looking at the faces of the two men, Jude envisaged many conflicts in meetings to come and felt glad that there was no danger of her being involved in their process of oneupmanship.
A long wrangle then ensued as to how many people should be members of the ideal action committee. The Commodore recommended nine, so that in the event of a four-all split, the Chair’s casting vote could decide the issue. Arnold Bloom, for reasons which seemed to be nothing more than bloody-mindedness, favoured a larger committee. Thirteen seemed to him to be the ideal number.
This suggestion was vetoed, however, by a woman with the long blonde hair of a flower child from the Sixties. The face framed by this hair suggested that it could well have been in the Sixties when she first started dyeing it.
She identified herself as Flora Claire and objected that thirteen was a ‘bad luck number’ and it would be, like, really tempting fate to set up the committee on such an inauspicious basis. ‘I think we should go with a committee of fifteen,’ she said. ‘Fifteen is a number which has really good vibes. It’s made up of one and five and they are both really sympathetic numbers.’
‘But fifteen,’ protested Arnold Bloom, ‘is too many. In my very extensive experience of committees, with fifteen everything becomes very unwieldy. Thirteen is the perfect number for maximum efficiency.’
‘Fifteen, though,’ Flora continued, ‘is a really auspicious number. Not only is it, like I said, made up of one and five, it’s also five times three, and three is like one of the most potent numbers there is. I think we have to go with fifteen.’
Normally the Commodore would have pooh-poohed such a flaky suggestion, but in this case it was an argument against Arnold Bloom so, come the vote, he supported Flora Claire. As did the majority of those present and in that way Braithwaite achieved his first small victory over his rival. And also, to Jude’s mind, ended up with a committee which was far too large to be efficient.
Encouraged by his success, though, Quintus next laid down another ground rule. This again was on the grounds of conflict of interest. He decreed that no one who had any involvement in the current ownership or management of Polly’s Cake Shop should be allowed on to the committee.
This did not seem to Jude to be too controversial. Neither Josie Achter nor her daughter Rosalie had shown any interest in attending either the first or second meeting of the SPCS. But to her surprise she felt Sara nudge her and heard a whisper in her ear saying, ‘Will you stand on the committee for me then?’