“Do you remember this, Nounou?” she would say; and we’d laugh together. At Carrefour she was an innocent young girl. But when she married the Comte, she had to learn so much and learn quickly. How to be the mistress of a chateau . but that was not all. “
“How did she feel when she first came here?” My eyes strayed to the cupboard in which Nounou kept her treasures. There was the box containing the pieces of embroidery which Francoise had given her for
her birthdays and there were those revealing notebooks which contained the story of Francoise’s life. I wanted to read about the Comte’s wooing; I wanted to know Francoise, not as a young girl living her secluded life in Carrefour with her strict father and her doting Nounou, but as the wife of the man who had begun to dominate my life.
“When she was happy she did not write in her little books,” said Nounou.
“And when she first came here there were so many excitements so much to do. Even I saw little of her.”
“So she was happy at first.”
“She was a child. She believed in life … in people. She had been told she was fortunate, and she believed it. She was told that she would be happy … and she believed that too.”
“And when did she start to be unhappy?”
Nounou spread her hands and looked down at them as though she expected to find the answer there.
“She soon began to understand life was not as she had imagined it would be. And then she was going to have Genevieve and she had something to dream of. That was a disappointment, for everyone hoped for a son.”
“Did she confide in you, Nounou?”
“Before her marriage she would tell me everything.”
“And not afterwards?”
Nounou shook her head.
“It was only when I read …” she nodded to the cupboard, ‘that I understood. She was not such a child. She understood much. and she suffered. “
“Do you mean he was unkind to her?”
Nounou’s mouth hardened.
“She needed to be loved,” she said.
“And she loved him?”
“She was terrified of him.”
I was startled by her vehemence.
“Why?” I asked. Her mouth trembled and she turned away. I saw from her expression that she was looking into the past. Then suddenly her mood changed and she said slowly: “She was fascinated by him … at first.
It’s a way he has with some women. “
She seemed to come to a decision, for she stood up suddenly and went to the cupboard and taking the key which was always kept dangling at her waist she opened it.
I saw the notebooks all neatly stacked together. She selected one.
“Read about it,” she said.
“Take it away and read about it. But don’t let anyone else see it… and bring it back safely to me.”
I knew I should refuse; I felt I was prying not only into her private life but into his. But I couldn’t; I had to know.
Nounou was worried on my account. She believed that the Comte was to some extent interested in me. She was telling me in this oblique way that the man who had brought his mistress into the house and married her to his cousin was also a murderer. She was telling me that if I allowed myself to become involved with such a man I too could be in danger. In what way, she could not say. But she was warning me all the same.
I took the book back to my room. I could scarcely wait to read it; and as I read it I was disappointed. I had expected dramatic revelations.
There were the entries not unlike those I had read before. She had her own little plot in the garden where she grew her own flowers. It was such a pleasure to grow flowers.
“I want Genevieve to love them as I do.”
“My first roses. I cut them and kept them in a vase in my bedroom. Nounou says flowers should not be kept in your bedroom at night because they take all the air which you need. I told her it was nonsense but to please her I let her take them out.” Reading through those pages I
searched in vain for his name. It was not until almost at the end of the book that he was mentioned.
“Lothair returned from Paris today. Sometimes I think he despises me.
I know I am not clever like the people he meets in Paris. I must try really harder to learn something about the things he is interested in.
Politics and history, literature and pictures. I wish I did not find them so dull. “
“We all went riding today Lothair, Genevieve and myself. He was watching Genevieve. I was terrified that she would take a toss. She was so nervous.”
“Lothair has gone away. I am not sure where but I expect to Paris. He did not tell me.”
“Genevieve and I had the young children at the chateau today. We are teaching them their catechism. I want Genevieve to understand what her duty is as a daughter of the chateau. We talked about it afterwards and it was so peaceful. I love the evenings when they begin to darken and Nounou comes to draw the curtains and light the lamps. I reminded her how I had always liked that part of the day at Carrefour when she would come and close the shutters … just before it was dark, so that we never really saw the darkness. I told her this. And she said, ” You are full of fancies, cabbage. ” She has not called me ” cabbage” since before my marriage.”
“I went to Carrefour today. Papa was pleased to see me. He says that Lothair should build a church for the poor and I must persuade him to do this.”
“I spoke to Lothair about the church. He asked me why they wanted another church when they had one in the town. I told him that Papa thought that if they had a church close to the vineyard they could go in and worship at any hour of the day. It was for the good of their souls. Lothair said they had to concern themselves during working hours with the good of the grape. I don’t know what papa will say when I see him again. He will dislike Lothair more than ever.”
“Papa says Lothair should dismiss Jean Lapin because he is an atheist. He says that by continuing to employ him Lothair is condoning his sin and Lapin should be sent away and his family with him. When I told Lothair he laughed and said he would decide who should work for him and Lapin’s opinions were no concern of his, still less of my father’s. Sometimes I think Lothair dislikes Papa so much that he wishes he had never married me. And I know Papa wishes I had never married Lothair.”
“I went to Carrefour today. Papa took me to his bedroom and made me kneel and pray with him. I dream about Papa’s bedroom. It is like a prison. It is so cold kneeling on the stone flags that I feel cramped long afterwards. How can he sleep on such a hard pallet made of nothing but straw? The crucifix on the wall is the only brightness there; there is nothing else but the pallet and priedieu in the room.
Papa talked after we had prayed. I felt wicked . sinful. “
“Lothair came back today, and I am afraid. I felt I should scream if he came near me. He said: ” What is the matter with you? ” And I could not tell him how frightened I was of him. He went out of the room. I believe he was very angry. I think Lothair is beginning to hate me. I am so different from the women he likes … the women I believe he is with in Paris. I picture them in diaphanous gowns, laughing and drinking wine … abandoned women … gay and amorous. It is horrible.”
“I was frightened last night. I thought he was coming to my room. I heard his footsteps outside. He stopped at the door and waited. I thought I should scream aloud in terror … but then he went away.”
I had come to the last entry in the book.
What did it mean? Why had Francoise been so frightened of her husband?
And why had Nounou shown me that book? If she wanted me to know the story of Francoise’s life why did she not give them all to me? I knew there were others there. Could it be that Nounou, through those books which revealed the secrets of Francoise’s life, knew the secret of her death? And was it for this reason that she was warning me to leave the chateau?