KAISERJÄGERTOD You must hold on at all costs.
COMMANDING OFFICER Excellency, the troops are freezing to death in the icy groundwater that has seeped into the foxholes.
KAISERJÄGERTOD How many eventual casualties do you estimate?
COMMANDING OFFICER Four thousand.
KAISERJÄGERTOD Orders are, the troops must be sacrificed.
COMMANDING OFFICER When they come out of their holes they’re up to their knees in snow, and then they’re expected to attack a raised enemy position.
KAISERJÄGERTOD Don’t you have any padre who could put some fire in their bellies? Under no circumstances can the offensive be delayed!
COMMANDING OFFICER Excellency, the snow’s deep enough to wipe out a whole regiment.
KAISERJÄGERTOD A regiment? What do I care about a regiment?
COMMANDING OFFICER The men are standing in water, half-starved. They’re putting up a desperate fight against unremittingly powerful Russian attacks.
(Kaiserjägertod is called to the telephone.)
KAISERJÄGERTOD What? Relief or reinforcement? Colonel, your orders are to hold on to the last man, I have no troops available, and with me there is no such word as “retreat”, whatever the price! What? You want a day’s respite to dry clothes? What’s that you’re saying? Your poor brave Tyroleans are lying out there, shot to pieces, their bodies floating in the water? (Bawling.) That’s what they’re there for, to be shot to pieces! End of story! — And as for you, huh, the same applies. The troops stay in position, come what may. It’s my reputation that’s at stake! (Exit.)
A MAJOR (to the Commanding Officer) There is no alternative. His Excellency always commits his crack troops to the most difficult missions, simply because of their outstanding qualities. His Excellency is a general endowed with immense energy; he’s single-minded and impulsive and personally courageous, while demanding strict adherence to duty and absolute self-sacrifice from his subordinates.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 12
Regiment on the retreat. In a village.
KAISERJÄGERTOD (to a colonel) No one to break ranks, and no buying provisions! (A starving soldier holding a piece of bread emerges from a shop. Kaiserjägertod lashes him with his riding whip.) What a bunch of greedy swine you’ve got here, Colonel! Anyone breaking ranks is to be bound hand and foot for three hours! Give the order that anyone trying to buy bread and milk off the peasants during an advance or a retreat will be shot! (He rides off. Here and there soldiers leave the unit. Officers shoot at those walking away. Panic. Shrieks of terror: “The Russians are coming!”)
LIEUTENANT GERL (strikes a pose) You lot can starve to death for all I care, I’ll always have enough to eat!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 13
Hospital near a divisional headquarters. The regimental band can be heard playing jaunty tunes.
SERIOUSLY WOUNDED PATIENT (whimpers) No music — no music!
WARDEN Pack it in! That’s the dinner-table entertainment His Excellency, Field Marshal von Fabini, always has performed at dessert! If you think he’s going to stop it on your account, you’ve another think coming!
(The door opens. One can hear the song: “I’d Rather Be Sozzled, I Swear, Than Smashed Up in Intensive Care.”)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 14
A German Reserve Division.
A COLONEL (dictates) — Now the last item on the order of the day. Note! The Masurian laundry in Lötzen has delivered to General von Schmettwitz three stand-up collars — white, make: Maingau, size: 42 cm., no name tag — which don’t belong to him. However, he is missing three stand-up collars — white, size: 43 cm., two with the name tag v.Sch., and all three with grey thread around the back buttonhole. Please arrange for exchange.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 15
Optimist and Grumbler in conversation.
OPTIMIST One thing I would warn you against: you shouldn’t generalize.
GRUMBLER You mean I should avoid thinking every scoundrel must be a general?
OPTIMIST No, you shouldn’t overlook the profusion of examples of those who have fulfilled their duty and acted without regard to their own life — and that includes officers.
GRUMBLER One shouldn’t generalize. But since that profusion of examples is evidently beyond my grasp, it’s better to focus on the exceptions. Were one, instead, to draw attention to those who retained their honour in the war, it would emphasize what should be self-evident and impugn the officer class by implying that honour is something exceptional. It is precisely by pointing to the scoundrels that one avoids generalizing — it’s only the scoundrels that would object. I have no desire to impugn any particular individual, but rather a whole institution which hardly deserves my praise for allowing honest men to remain honest, but certainly deserves my censure for changing weaklings into scoundrels. Don’t imagine that I regard these cowardly ignoramuses as conscious tyrants, simply because they are using the power structure to revenge themselves on their men for their own lack of manliness. They spill blood only because they can’t stand the sight of it, nor have they ever seen it. They act in a state of intoxication at suddenly being their own superior officers and allowed to do things for which the indispensable “cover” is provided by circumstances alone — not by personal integrity. And most of these scoundrels won’t even be held to account, since their actions were covered by a code of honour that permits and indeed requires them to commit all those actions which the Criminal Code had hitherto forbidden: namely by Military Regulations. Such was the Age of Grandeur that those who committed rape, pillage, and murder walked away with the Distinguished Service Cross, while the Maria Theresa Order was awarded to those who authorized their crimes!
OPTIMIST One shouldn’t generalize. I was reading only today that spilling their fresh young blood for the Fatherland creates a spirit of amicable comradeship that binds the men to their officers—
GRUMBLER —hand and foot!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 16
Goods station in Debrecen, Hungary. A goods waggon, guarded by sentries. Inscription in chalk: 40 men, 6 horses. Curious bystanders.
SENTRY (to local inhabitants) Clear orff!
LIEUTENANT BEINSTELLER How long have they been cooped up in there now?
SECOND-LIEUTENANT SEKIRA Only an hour and a half.
BEINSTELLER Another half-hour then! How many are there?
SEKIRA Twenty.
BEINSTELLER So, room for another 20! Cannon fodder, living like pigs in clover—
SEKIRA I had them already dry-shaved in any case, then smacked their faces. Since we can’t bind them hand and foot, I know what I’ll do. Put each in a sentry box and wind barbed wire round him, so he has to stand to attention!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 17
Vienna. Town Hall.
OFFICIAL (to an applicant standing before him) So you want to go into the country — let’s see now, here we are — all you have to do is adhere to the following regulation, listen (he reads aloud, emphasizing one word with particular animation, but at the same time continuously wagging his right index finger in a way that seems to preclude all hope): “Persons wishing to change their domicile in the year 1917, either temporarily to a health resort or for a period of at least four weeks to a spa or summer holiday resort, must, by 1 June at the latest, give notification of change of address to the district authority of their permanent domicile on the official form which can be obtained from that authority, stating name, permanent domicile, location of summer residence, prospective day of arrival, number of accompanying persons and intended length of sojourn; a second, identical copy of this notification of change of domicile to be forwarded to the district authority of the location chosen for the summer residence. Before departure, the persons in question must collect a Food Ration Book Change of Address Certificate from their ration book issuing office, to enable them to cancel the purchase of those foodstuffs which are officially sanctioned for sale at the relevant retail outlet, as confirmed by the Food Ration Book Change of Address Certificate. The retailer of officially sanctioned foodstuffs must keep a list on which are entered the name, domicile, day of departure and number of persons accompanying the person giving notification of change of address, in addition to the quantity of foodstuffs no longer provided; such a list to be presented to the office controlling the allocation of sanctioned foodstuffs at the end of each week. In the health resort, spa, or summer holiday resort, both on arrival and before departure from such locations, the persons in question (the applicant disappears) must present their Food Ration Book Change of Address Certificate to the bread ration book issuing office. The issue of food ration books, both at the summer holiday resort and after the permanent domicile has been resumed, can only be authorized on presentation of the Food Ration Book Change of Address Certificate containing the appropriate official stamps. The regional political authorities are authorized to monitor the purchase of foodstuffs by visitors, and also to regulate the provision of food in the restaurants of the health resorts, spas, or summer holiday resorts. In general, restaurants may claim increased allocations of foodstuffs to supply food to health resorts, spas, or summer holiday resorts only if they submit coupons detached from the ration books of the consumers as proof of increased need. No special food provision can be made for tourists making only short visits to health resorts, spas, or summer holiday resorts. In order to prevent the hoarding of foodstuffs, the regional political authorities are further empowered to forbid the direct purchase of foodstuffs from producers by visitors to health resorts, spas, or summer holiday resorts.”—So, there you are, now you know, now you can — (he looks up) Where the devil has he gone? (He searches on the floor.) Hey, wait for your Food Ration Book Change of Address Certificate form! (Shaking his head) Odd customer. The liberties some people take! (He continues searching, then gets up.) Couldn’t wait. He’s probably in the country already!