FRAU WAHNSCHAFFE Awesome!
FRAU POGATSCHNIGG “Death to the Russians” is a suitable Easter present, not only for young people, but also for soldiers in the hospitals: a pleasant diversion and an exciting entertainment. The “Death to the Russians” Easter egg, very tastefully finished in black and yellow silk, costs 3 crowns 60 and is available from the central retail outlet of the War Welfare Bureau in Prague.
FRAU WAHNSCHAFFE How delicate! And how sensitively the high-born volunteer has taken the taste of the wounded soldiers into consideration! That’s the Austrian nobility for you! They may be languid, but they do have more grace than ours, even I must give them that. So, my dear Mrs. Pogátschnigg, how does it work? You shake the egg and have to get our brave boys into the fortress, but the Russians into the swamp — awesome! It’s like Columbus having to make his egg stand on its end without cutting it!
FRAU POGATSCHNIGG Ever since her invention, all of society has been paying homage to the countess. You in the Reich, now — don’t you have anything comparable?
FRAU WAHNSCHAFFE Well, I shouldn’t really be promoting what Wahnschaffe has created — blowing one’s own trumpet, and all that — but I can’t help singing the praises of the new “War Spinning Top”. This new game is a must in every German household and provides an exciting entertainment for old and young alike in every family, at every social gathering and on every occasion. First, each player deposits a stake in the pot. Then the top is set spinning by the fingers of each player in turn. The letters and numbers have the following meanings: R.w.o: Russia — wins nothing. E.l.
: England — loses everything. F.l.½: France — loses half stake. T.w.⅓: Turkey — wins a third of the pot. A.w.½: Austria — wins half of the pot. G.w.e.: Germany über alles! — wins everything — the whole pot.
FRAU POGATSCHNIGG Bravo! But if Austria has won half of the pot, how can Germany get the lot? Does Germany then take our share?
FRAU WAHNSCHAFFE There you go again, you bone-idle Austrians, never satisfied! — That’s all the thanks we get for doing your dirty work and saving your skins time and again! You made a nice mess of the last offensive!
FRAU POGATSCHNIGG (grasps her hand and squeezes it) You’ve convinced me. Austria may only win half of the pot, but — I am a German housewife! (They leave, shoulder to shoulder, singing “Deutschland, Deutschland Über Alles.”)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 23
Three fashionable German ladies looking at a German fashion magazine.
FIRST FASHIONABLE GERMAN LADY Look at item number 4393: The latest hit! Bluebell fancy-dress costume, in light mauve silk, bell-shaped flared skirt with pinked edging, chimes well with cloche hat — just the thing for the Carnival season!
SECOND FASHIONABLE GERMAN LADY No, no, what about this little number? 4389: Mortar ensemble in glossy satin, appliquéd mortar-motif trimmings; large mortar-shaped headdress — that’s what I want. Anyway, the Carnival is in full swing!
THIRD FASHIONABLE GERMAN LADY I’ll go a step further and make a sacrifice. I’ll turn the Bluebell into a Mortar.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 24
Subscriber to the Neue Freie Presse and Patriot in conversation.
PATRIOT What do you say about the exaggerated way the enemy press covered the attempted mutiny by three — I ask you, three! — German sailors?
SUBSCRIBER There’s only one response: Huge Mutiny in the English Fleet.
PATRIOT Where? How come?
SUBSCRIBER At Spithead in the Nore.
PATRIOT You don’t say! — There was a mutiny there?
SUBSCRIBER I should say so! Mutiny’s too weak a word! Almost all of Admiral Duncan’s fleet mutinied. The mutineers blocked the Thames with 26 warships.
PATRIOT Come off it! Where did it say that, what mutiny was that?
SUBSCRIBER A mutiny that seemed to be a prelude to revolution.
PATRIOT You don’t say! What revolution, what mutiny?
SUBSCRIBER What mutiny? The mutiny recalled by the esteemed reader in his letter to the Neue Freie Presse.
PATRIOT All right — but when was that?
SUBSCRIBER In the last few years.
PATRIOT But I never read anything about that. It’s just appeared, has it? Do tell me, when?
SUBSCRIBER 1797.
PATRIOT Yes, but — that’s hardly in the last few years—
SUBSCRIBER —of the eighteenth century!
PATRIOT Yes, but — what good does that do us?
SUBSCRIBER Well — word gets around.
PATRIOT Yes, especially if it’s true! Y’know, if it affects the morale of the Entente, that would please me, especially if, for example, in France—
SUBSCRIBER Well, what more do you want — in France the French Revolution broke out!
PATRIOT Come off it! — Where did it say that?!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 25
Hindenburg and Ludendorff at lunch.
HINDENBURG (shakes hands with Paul Goldmann, foreign correspondent of the Neue Freie Presse) Ah, there you are.
PAUL GOLDMANN (aside) The grip of a lion. He greets me with the heartwarming magnanimity characteristic of the man.
LUDENDORFF (shakes hands with Paul Goldmann) Ah, there you are.
PAUL GOLDMANN (aside) He looks just the same as a year ago, two years ago, three years ago, except that the distinctive features of his noble head have taken on an even more spiritual quality.
HINDENBURG AND LUDENDORFF (aside) He hasn’t changed.
(They sit. Paul Goldmann sits between them. They speak at him alternately from right and left.)
HINDENBURG (sighing) Now it’s a question of holding out to the end.
LUDENDORFF (sighing) It’s hard, but success is assured.
HINDENBURG Everything is going well.
LUDENDORFF Given the situation, we can be fully confident.
HINDENBURG It’s true we have the winter before us.
LUDENDORFF The date set for peace is naturally not for us to decide.
(Goldmann nods to both sides and makes notes.)
PAUL GOLDMANN (to himself) It is naturally impossible to give a definite indication of when peace will come. But perhaps about how it will—? I shall put a question which must surely lie close to everyone’s heart back home. (Aloud) What are the surest means of securing peace?
HINDENBURG Peace will be the more readily brought about
LUDENDORFF the more favourable our military situation. It’s still a question of deeds prevailing
HINDENBURG over words.
LUDENDORFF That’s why we should not at present
HINDENBURG talk about peace. It’s the Russians
LUDENDORFF who apparently want to take the first step.
(Pause, while Goldmann makes notes.)
PAUL GOLDMANN (to himself) Details of what followed in the discussion about peace are not for publication. Perhaps all that can be stated is that Hindenburg and Ludendorff are desirous of a peace which will produce maximum safety and stability, a peace which will secure our borders and global free trade by land and sea.