OPTIMIST Emperor Franz Joseph certainly knew nothing of all that.
GRUMBLER All he ever knew was that his hangman was the sole indispensable and ultimate bastion of central power. There he stands, its radiant laughing symbol, endowed with all the dignity of a Viennese coffeehouse proprietor genially presiding over the Day of Judgment, far from being either high-handed or fainthearted, for who needs a judge when we have such an executioner?
OPTIMIST As a chivalrous monarch—
GRUMBLER —Franz Joseph was still a young man when he rejected the appeal by the procession of mothers, wives, and daughters, dressed in mourning, who flocked from Mantua in an attempt to avert the death by hanging of their sons, husbands, and fathers. Afterwards, they still had to pay the hangman’s fee themselves. To this day, memories of Austria are ineradicable in those parts, and “Italian treachery” as a theme with world-historical significance may perhaps be explained by the fact that people there still shudder with horror when talking of what happened then, and by the diplomatic tradition according to which “la corde savonnée”—that speciality, the hangman’s slippery rope — was Austria’s sole export. In this sign — unlike the Cross of Constantine — thou shalt not conquer! Austria itself will pay its hangman’s final fee.
OPTIMIST How so? When?
GRUMBLER After its execution!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 30
Court-martial.
CAPTAIN-ADVOCATE STANISLAUS V. ZAGORSKI (passes sentence. The following extracts, given special emphasis, are audible.)
— In view of the fact that the accused Hryb, 26 years old and unable to read or write, is consequently illiterate, and in further consideration of the fact that the accused Hryb, in the judgment of the Court, is guilty to a lesser extent than his fellow defendants, the Court has resolved that the said accused should be the first on whom the pronounced sentence of death, in accordance with Section 444 of the Military Penal Code, be carried out.
… The sentence of death pronounced on the accused Struk shall be the second to be carried out because his guilt is more blatant than that of the first defendant.
… In view of the fact that the accused Maeyjiczyn was in lengthy contact with the Russians, it was resolved that he will be the third on whom the death sentence is carried out.
… It was unanimously resolved that, in consideration of the crime with which he was charged, this defendant shall be the fourth to be put to death.
… The accused Dzus shall be the fifth on whom the sentence pronounced upon him in accordance with Section 444 of the Military Penal Code shall be carried out, because his lying defence indicated that he had completely succumbed to Russian influence.
… shall be the sixth on whom sentence passed on account of his actions is carried out.
… The accused Kowal shall be the seventh on whom sentence of death is carried out.
. . Because Fedynyczyn has been found guilty on two charges, he shall be the eighth on whom sentence of death is carried out.
… Taking into account the seriousness of the charge on which Fedor Budz has been found guilty, he shall be the ninth on whom sentence of death is carried out.
… Petro Dzus shall be the tenth on whom sentence of death is carried out on account of his high level of culpability.
… the Court has resolved that he is the most guilty, and that he therefore be the last on whom the sentence of death passed against him is carried out. Case concluded.
(The prisoners are led away.)
FIRST OFFICER Congratulations. Very juicy! One can see right away that you’re a lawyer. Tell me, how many death sentences have you under your belt so far?
ZAGORSKI That’s exactly the hundredth — or rather, 110 now.
OFFICERS Congratulations! That calls for a celebration. Why didn’t you say so before?
ZAGORSKI Thank you, thank you. And I’ve personally witnessed every single execution, and proud of it! Without counting the ones pronounced by others!
SECOND OFFICER Get away! You drive yourself too hard. You’re too conscientious.
ZAGORSKI Yes, it’s an exhausting business.
FIRST OFFICER Don’t forget he’s a trained lawyer, it’s not as if—
ZAGORSKI Yes, well, with a death sentence you have to make sure to give proper grounds — it’s not child’s play.
SECOND OFFICER Oh God, yes, the trouble we had with the colonel, the last one before you! He was dead set against court-martials. He said it was just irrelevant legal quibbling. Just shoot ’em, he always said.
FIRST OFFICER But that’s nothing compared with old Ljubicic, you know, when I was with the Eleventh Corps. He had that fellow Wild, I remember Wild had 12 political suspects strung up between Christmas and New Year 1914, six in one day alone. Used to say, as an intelligence officer he didn’t need any court verdicts. And a lot he just had bayoneted.
SECOND OFFICER And what about Lütgendorf! He’s another always used to say he didn’t need a court, “I prefer the short sharp shock”, he would say. Once he had a corporal bayonet three men because they were drunk. That was in Schabatz, on the Emperor’s birthday, I remember it like it was yesterday. And people got a good thrashing and were driven out of their homes, that was really something. And then the house burnings, brilliant! In Syrmia, remember, they burned down every other house! Once he wanted to set an example and they selected a whole village for destruction, and he marched them all off including heavily pregnant women to Peterwardein. Whether they eventually shot all of them, I don’t know. But I do know the ones who escaped killing straight away were made to stay all night with the bodies of those who had been killed, their relatives and so on. The Hungarian gendarmes in charge of patrols also preferred the short sharp procedure, all the corpses just left lying — teachers, ministers, local notaries, foresters, and the like.
FIRST OFFICER Yes, but it was even more rewarding when we interned them!
SECOND OFFICER That came later, with full-scale extermination, as planned. The Hungarian camps were well equipped for it. Starvation, floggings, typhoid fever — that soon settled their hash, them Serbs!
THIRD OFFICER Yes, but if truth be told, that really isn’t a judicial procedure any more.
SECOND OFFICER Granted. Well, sure, it’s more an administrative measure. But don’t think — look, I can tell you, under Lütgendorf every single case was properly certified: “Execution ordered!” But for a real court case like this one here, Lütgendorf just had too short a fuse. He gave the judges a real bollocking, and how! Scribblers! Nitpickers! Bunglers! If it was left to him, it would be: String ’em up straightaway, of course only when there were extenuating circumstances, otherwise it was mainly the bayonet.