FIRST OFFICER Ever had a Jehovah’s Witness?
SECOND OFFICER What’s that? Surely they’re all extinct!
FIRST OFFICER No, Jehovah’s Witnesses, y’know, conscies, those fellows who object to bearing arms for religious reasons, it’s common knowledge. I’d one once, he was a farmer and we used him as a driver. His previous conduct was good, he’d a spotless record, so there was actually nothing against him except that he wouldn’t carry no rifle when ordered to fall in. But the way he stood before us, he made a very unfavourable impression on me. For when he already knew he was going to be sentenced to death, he simply declared — without showing the slightest remorse, mind you — that he wouldn’t bear arms, even if he were shot for it. Such stubbornness naturally meant there could be no grounds for clemency. So the Minister of War, Stöger-Steiner, naturally confirmed the verdict, on account of the very unfavourable impression the man had made. But what happened next — that was a ticklish situation. For the head of the tribunal, y’know Colonel Barta, later reported to the Supreme Military Court that the verdict was based on an unfortunate oversight. It appears the death penalty can only be imposed for an act of violent insubordination, and that as early as 1914 the War Ministry had arranged for Jehovah’s Witnesses to be detailed for duty at the front as noncombatants, and for them not to be court-martialed until after the war. But this decree only reached us after the execution, in 1916, so there was nothing to be done. Barta got three weeks’ military detention.
SECOND OFFICER That wouldn’t have happened under Lütgendorf. Under him a Jehovah’s Witness would have been strung up and — rrrtsch (gesture of strangling) rubbed out, my friend!
ZAGORSKI Yes, but you see, us lawyers, we don’t have such a free hand. I take my time — yet I’ve still been more productive than even Wild.
SECOND OFFICER You certainly have!
ZAGORSKI The most interesting case I had was in Munkacs, in the autumn of 1916—when we were all still committed heart and soul to the campaign. There were three Galician refugees, a priest by the name of Roman Beresowszkyi, one Leo Koblanski, and Ssemen Zhabjak, I sentenced them all to death, of course, and had the sentence carried out—
SECOND OFFICER And the same nice arrangement — one after the other—?
ZAGORSKI Good heavens no, they could all read and write, and besides, they were all equally guilty — or to be more exact, all equally innocent.
FIRST OFFICER They were — innocent? How come?
ZAGORSKI That’s what makes the case so interesting. The investigation was later reopened by the military court in Stryi, and it turns out they were innocent.
OFFICERS Tough luck for you.
ZAGORSKI (laughing) That’s what you think! When the Ukrainian national assembly go and complain about me to High Command, you can imagine what happens!
FIRST OFFICER I get the message! And what rank were you then?
ZAGORSKI Lieutenant.
FIRST OFFICER And when did they make you captain?
ZAGORSKI When it turned out they’d been innocent.
SECOND OFFICER So do you think there was a direct connection — that they wanted to make it up to you, as it were?
ZAGORSKI I wouldn’t go so far as that, they aren’t exactly that sensitive at High Command — but the complaint drew their attention to me, they realized I was a hard worker, and of course, if the complaint against us comes from a politically suspect nation—! You see, a Ukrainian can’t do us any damage by a complaint. The most damaging thing about him is still being alive.
THIRD OFFICER If it comes to that — do you think the 11 we sentenced today are innocent as well? Strictly speaking, the only thing that was proved was—
ZAGORSKI —that they were Ukrainians. Guilty as charged! One o’clock! Time for lunch.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 31
Schönbrunn. The Emperor’s study. Franz Joseph sits at his desk, asleep. On each side stands a valet.
VALET ON RIGHT Working again, he never tires.
VALET ON LEFT It’s a quarter to nine, the audiences start at 9.23. It’s a heavy cross for him to bear, that it is.
VALET ON RIGHT Sssh — listen — that’s Himself saying something—
EMPEROR (speaking in his sleep) Absolutely not — Out of the question — I won’t make peace with those Italian rogues — I just want to be left in peace and quiet — They tricked me into it — Charmed, I’m sure — Leave us! — The second buttonhole is a millimetre too high — What’s that? Franz Ferdinand’s back? — turf ’im out! — A pleasure. Have you come far? — Rudolph shouldn’t be fraternizing with his coachmen — that’s no way to behave! — am I to be spared nothing? — let them wait, the audiences don’t start until two minutes past the half hour — what do you say, Kathy — clever you, can’t stand the Prussians — a real mess — they tricked me into it — so it goes, there’s simply nothing I can do — (He wakes up.) What — what is it? — All right, I was just about to sign. (The valet on his left hands him the pen. The Emperor signs several documents.) Tell me, who’s scheduled for today?
VALET ON RIGHT Emanuel Edler von Singer is to be enobled, Your Majesty—
EMPEROR Ah yes, Mendl, a good choice.
VALET ON LEFT Then there’s Ludwig Riedl, for the Order of Franz Josef.
EMPEROR Ah yes, Riedl, I am pleased — how’s he doing, Riedl?
VALET ON RIGHT He’s not the man he was. It seems he was in bed ill last week. He may not make it today.
EMPEROR That would be a shame — a young man like him!
VALET ON LEFT Yes, Your Majesty, 30 years younger than Your Majesty, but as for vigour—
EMPEROR Yes, true enough — but tell me, Ketterl, how’s Count Beck?
VALET ON RIGHT Oh dear, oh dear, Majesty! (He mimics an old dodderer.)
EMPEROR What, and him only 84, the rascal ought to be ashamed of himself — (he laughs and has a coughing fit. The valets support him.) It’s all right. (The valet on his left leaves the room.) Where are you going?
VALET ON RIGHT He’s only getting a powder.
EMPEROR I don’t need any powders, absolutely not—
VALET ON LEFT (returns with the powder and makes him take it) I’ve just heard—
EMPEROR (takes the powder) They tricked me into it.
VALET ON LEFT I’ve just heard, your Majesty, that Riedl is too ill to come today.
EMPEROR Don’t go on. Am I to be spared nothing?
VALET ON RIGHT (to valet on left) Oh no, here comes that same song again about his long life.
(The Emperor falls asleep again. Both valets leave on tiptoe.)
EMPEROR (sings in his sleep)
When first I saw the light of day
the world was out of joint.
So, what to do? All I could say
was: what on earth’s the point?
Vienna was chaotic,
as only it can be,
expectations were demotic,
I’m spared nothing, as you’ll see.
When but a lad, life still was fun,
I was the cat’s pyjamas,
and played — it fits! — in Chaos, one
of Kotzebue’s melodramas.
From barricades they cheered me—
all unwhiskered as I was—
soon, as Emperor, they feared me:
I’m spared nothing, save applause.
All I want is peace and quiet,
so my head can cease its spinning,
and play a hand of Sixty-six
without the Prussians winning.