GRUMBLER Now that’s what I call propaganda for a good and just cause!
OPTIMIST What is?
GRUMBLER A proclamation in the press: “End of war bond subscriptions!” Very welcome and very opportune.
OPTIMIST I’m pleased you’re thinking so clearly. All this talk of a negotiated peace was futile, as it turned out.
GRUMBLER Just as you say. And it’s become ever clearer that Germany was right: the war will be decided by force of arms.
OPTIMIST So even you see that now! For once we’re—
GRUMBLER in complete agreement.
OPTIMIST And I’m hoping to win you over to my views on the patriotic education of the young, too. As to that, there’s no end to what needs to be done, since it’s a question of focusing all our thoughts on final victory. To convince you that pupils are in no way compelled to immerse themselves in military topics, I’ve brought you the annual report of the Technical School named after our peace-loving new Emperor, Kaiser Karl. Rather, pupils are presented with an alternative — at any rate in most cases. For example, in form 5B: “A holiday hike” or “The most modern armaments.” In 6A: “Why is Lessing’s Minna von Barnhelm an archetypal German comedy?” or “Holding on to the end!” What would you choose?
GRUMBLER Holding on to the end!
OPTIMIST Then, for instance, there’s either: “Reflections on the eighth battle of Isonzo” or “An autumn ramble.” Or again: “To what extent can climate affect the intellectual development of mankind?” or “Our struggle against Romania.”
GRUMBLER For that one, I’d make things easier for myself and choose both topics at once.
OPTIMIST “The main characters in Goethe’s Egmont” or “The escalation of submarine warfare.”
GRUMBLER I’d say that if the Germans hadn’t escalated submarine warfare, they would have called on the hero of Goethe’s play to force England to its knees.
OPTIMIST That’s what I call optimism! Here’s another exam topic: “The fate of man, how like the wind!”—from Goethe’s “Song of the Spirits over the Waters”—or “The Turks and us — then and now.”
GRUMBLER Here I’d definitely take both — it seems to me the link between those two couldn’t fail to inspire a snappy essay.
OPTIMIST And how would you react to the alternatives: “My thoughts on beholding Radetzky’s statue” or, to adapt Schiller on the new century: “His tentacles stretch far and wide, his merchant fleets are mighty, his greedy aim to subjugate the realm of Aphrodite.”
GRUMBLER As for the second topic, I’d throw it back at the German teacher’s head and advise him to quote Lissauer’s “Song of Hate Against England” for his pedagogical purposes instead, and I’d prove to him that I know the first verse of Schiller’s poem as welclass="underline" “Noble friend! Where is the haven, where peace and freedom get their due? One century bows out in havoc, murder ushers in the new.”
OPTIMIST And the first topic, “My thoughts on beholding Radetzky’s statue”?
GRUMBLER I could easily handle that one, for I already have thoughts when beholding Radetzky’s heroic statue opposite the War Ministry. For instance, that the gains made by black-marketeers are putting those of the commander in chief into the shade.
OPTIMIST I’ve just noticed — in that annual report: “Countess Bienerth-Schmerling presented two copies of Alice Schalek’s Tyrol Under Arms to the school library, while the author herself presented one copy to the teachers’ staff room library.” Well intended, I’m sure, but—
GRUMBLER Now you’re the grumbler! The rising generation cannot learn soon enough how to clean out enemy trenches. Isn’t there any essay topic that takes up Schalek’s ideas directly?
OPTIMIST (leafing through) Perhaps this one, for Form 6B: “Which of our enemies seems to me the most despicable?”
GRUMBLER This is such an appealing topic that no alternative is needed. But it suggests another line of thought, admittedly a problematic one.
OPTIMIST And what would you have chosen?
GRUMBLER (ponders) Wait a moment — no, I’d have to leave the question open.
OPTIMIST If you were to keep strictly to the essay topic set for the first years of the Kaiser Karl Technical School—
GRUMBLER —then I’d say: the most despicable is Habsburg Austria! But now I look more closely at this press announcement, the militarization of the school curriculum seems child’s play compared to the shining example set by adults.
OPTIMIST (reads out) “High-calibre salesman, Christian, exempted from military service, presentable yet discreet, strong record selling advertising space throughout Germany, excellent references, seeks sole agency of solidly capitalized concern with scope for international expansion—” Well?
GRUMBLER You’ve answered the question for me. Now I know, as a patriot, which of our enemies seems to me most despicable!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 37
German headquarters.
WILHELM II (to his entourage) Morning, gentlemen.
THE GENERALS Morning, Your Majesty.
WILHELM II (taking up a stance, eyes raised skyward) The Lord on High certainly has ambitious plans for His chosen German people. We have preserved our ideals so it is our duty to bring about a better world. We must fight for justice, loyalty, and morality. Our wish is to live in friendship with our neighbours, but first they must acknowledge the victory of German arms. The year 1917, with its great battles, has proved that the German people has the staunchest of allies: the Lord of Hosts! An ally whose armour-plated support provides us with our essential foundation. What lies before us, we know not. But in these last four years we have all seen the hand of God manifestly in command, punishing treachery and rewarding courage and tenacity, from which we can be quite confident, now and in the future, that the Lord of Hosts is with us! If the enemy spurns our offer of peace, then we must bring peace to the world with an iron fist and a gleaming sword, to smash down the gates of those who do not want peace. Divine judgment has struck down our enemies! Our total victory in the East fills my heart with profound gratitude. It affords us another of those glorious moments when we can marvel, awestruck, at God’s historical power. (Raising his voice) Once again a victorious Germany can say: What a miraculous transformation at God’s behest! The heroic deeds of our troops, the victories of our magnificent commanders in the field, the admirable achievements on the home front — ultimately everything stems from the moral strength our people have had ingrained into them, from the categorical imperative! If the enemy still haven’t had enough, then we’ll screw ’em — (the Kaiser makes a military gesture which evokes grim smiles on the faces of his vassals.) The spectacular collapse of the enemy was an act of divine judgment. For our victory we are indebted not least to the moral and spiritual values bestowed on our people by Immanuel Kant, the sage of Königsberg. May God sustain us through to final victory!
(The Kaiser extends his right hand, the generals and officers each kiss it in turn. In what follows, whether roused or amused, he emits a sound like a wolf howling. When agitated his face turns red, his expression resembles that of a boar, his cheeks are puffed out, making the ends of his moustache stand up vertically.)
FIRST GENERAL Your Majesty is no longer God’s instrument—
WILHELM II (snorting and puffing) Ha—
FIRST GENERAL —but God is Your Majesty’s instrument!
WILHELM II (beaming) Very good, very good! Ha—!