SECOND GENERAL When we make our breakthrough, with the help of God and poison gas, we owe it exclusively to Your Majesty’s brilliant strategic planning.
WILHELM II (goes to the General Staff’s map) Ha — From here to here it’s 15 kilometres. I’ll throw in 50 divisions! Stupendous, eh?! (He looks around. Murmurs of approval.)
THIRD GENERAL Your Majesty’s farsighted strategy is one of the wonders of the world!
FOURTH GENERAL Your Majesty is not only the greatest orator, painter, composer, huntsman, statesman, sculptor, admiral, poet, sportsman, Assyriologist, business expert, astronomer, and theatre director of all time, but also — but also — (he begins to stutter)
WILHELM II Go on, go on!
FOURTH GENERAL Your Majesty, I feel incapable of listing all the fields in which Your Majesty is a world leader.
WILHELM II (nods in satisfaction) Well, what about the rest of you? (They smile in embarrassment.) What, you damned rascals, laughing at your — ha! — supreme commander? I’ll show — Seckendorff!
(He goes to an adjutant and stamps several times on his foot.)
ADJUTANT (hops in embarrassment.) Your Majesty — Your Majesty—
WILHELM II Ha! — Click your heels! It’s all right, Seckendorff, I was just chivvying you. Champagne!
AN OFFICER Yes, sir! (Exit.)
WILHELM II Caviar! (A second officer makes to leave.) Ha — wait! Germans shouldn’t overindulge, it’s unworthy! — Just caviar! (The officer leaves.)
FOURTH GENERAL Your Majesty—
WILHELM II Well, what is it?
FOURTH GENERAL Your Majesty is also the most discerning gourmand of all time!
WILHELM II (beaming) Very good, very good. (Champagne and caviar on toast arrive. He drinks.) French champagne! Ugh, disgusting!
FOURTH OFFICER (sticks a German label on the bottle) No, Your Majesty, it’s sparkling German wine.
WILHELM II Ah yes, German sparkling wine, one of the best, too! — Ha!—Hahnke, like a drop of bubbly as well—? Hey ho! — (He sprays the contents of his glass over the others and gives a raucous laugh.)
GENERALS (bowing deeply) Too kind, Your Majesty!
WILHELM II (scrapes the caviar and butter off a piece of toast with the forefinger of his right hand, and smears it into his mouth) Ha! — Hahnke, like some caviar, too—? (He tosses the plain piece of toast to the generals and roars with laughter, slapping his thigh with his right hand.)
GENERALS (bowing deeply) Too kind, Your Majesty!
WILHELM II (turning to an adjutant) Ha! — Duncker, tell me now, what type of women do you fancy? Fat or skinny? (The adjutant smiles in embarrassment. Wilhelm to the others) He adores the fat ones. A nice soft pillow.
GENERALS Very droll, Your Majesty! (The Kaiser laughs like a wolf.)
WILHELM II Ha! — Krickwitz! (Punches him in the belly.) What sound does a rooster make?
KRICKWITZ (crows) Cock-a-doodle-doo — cock-a-doodle-doo!
FOURTH GENERAL (to his neighbour) His Majesty is a god.
WILHELM II Ha! — Flottwitz — look, what’s happening over there? — (The admiral turns. The Kaiser sneaks up and gives him a mighty slap on his behind. The admiral doubles up in pain.)
WILHELM II Have you gone mad? Why do you keep pissing over my boots? (To the Surgeon General Martius) Ha! — Martius, look, what’s happening over there? (The surgeon general turns. The Kaiser sneaks up and pounces, grabbing him between the legs with his right hand. The surgeon general staggers in dreadful pain and grabs a chair for support. He is white as chalk. The Kaiser gives a crazy laugh, then turns away in anger when he registers the effect of his action. With a red face and puffed-out cheeks, snorting and puffing) You blokes are so boring — ha! — no sense of humour!
GENERALS Very droll, Your Majesty, very droll!
FIRST GENERAL (in an ironic aside) An object of “love and delight to the human race”, as the Roman historian said of Emperor Titus.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 38
Winter in the Carpathians. A man tied to a tree.
COMPANY COMMANDER HILLER How cold is it, do you reckon?
FIRST SOLDIER About minus 30 centigrade.
HILLER OK, you can untie him then. (The soldiers do so. The man — fusilier Helmhake — collapses, unconscious. Hiller gives him several slaps in the face.) Now into that dugout with him! (The soldiers throw him into the dugout.) You’re sure it’s really wet and stinking?
FIRST SOLDIER Yes, sir.
HILLER A nice high fever, has he — shivering fits?
FIRST SOLDIER Yes, sir.
HILLER Double the guard — jump to it! — the swine gets nothing to eat or drink. No taking a leak or a crap either, day or night. (Laughing.) Not that he’ll need to, anyway. So, same drill as yesterday. Anyone who objects I’ll tear to shreds. (He goes off with his men. Two soldiers stay behind at the dugout. Whimpering can be heard.)
SECOND SOLDIER D’y’a not think it would be more Christian if — instead of this one — we were to see to—him?
FIRST SOLDIER Sure do.
SECOND SOLDIER Two are dead already. Thomas he made strip naked when it was just as cold, and Müller had to go on watch when he was sick. There were five others he — (A groan can be heard. It sounds like “Water!”) Damn, I can’t take any more of this! I’ll give ’im a snowball to suck. (He crawls into the dugout and returns in tears.) Not even 20 yet — and signed up as a volunteer—! (Hiller returns with his men.)
HILLER I’ve had another idea. I want to see if — get ’im ’ere, the louse! — On the double!
SECOND SOLDIER He — I don’t think he can, Lieutenant.
HILLER Why not? Get the son of a bitch out here! (Several soldiers pull Helmhake out and drag him along, inert, like a lump of meat.) What a sight! He’s only play-acting, the skunk, give ’im a kick in the arse. (He stamps on him with the heel of his boot.) On yer feet, scum! Hasn’t he kicked the bucket yet, the stinking swine?!
SECOND SOLDIER (bends down over the brutalized victim, touches him, then stretches his hands towards Hiller as if in self-defence.) He has — just now.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 39
Same location. Hiller’s dugout.
JUNIOR DOCTOR MÜLLER Death from hypothermia. Attempted resuscitation to no avail. The tricky bit is that he got no food.
HILLER We just have to wangle it so no one can pin it on us.
MÜLLER No doubt about it, the human resources are exhausted and sick. Nothing but tinned soup, and that’s bad for their health. There’s direct evidence of delirium due to exhaustion. The men are grubbing in the snow and jumping around like madmen.
HILLER I freely admit that starvation, beatings, chaining them up — none of that is enough to revive their fighting spirit. What can y’do? As far as Helmhake is concerned, I can say I took every conceivable measure. Here’s what I’ll write to his father: