Dear Mr. Helmhake,
It is my painful duty to notify you herewith of the sudden demise of your son, Fusilier Carl Helmhake. The doctor diagnosed dysentery of the small intestine. During his brief illness your son received the best possible physical and medical care. We mourn the departed as an able soldier and a good comrade, whose passing is a grievous loss. His remains lie in the cemetery in Dolzki.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 40
Optimist and Grumbler in conversation.
OPTIMIST Here, read the uplifting declaration that opened the Congress of German and Austrian Military Physicians: Let us all share the warm glow, the uplifting and truly fraternal thought that at this moment, while battles still rage on all our fronts, we here have been sanctioned by His Majesty to deliberate how best and most effectively to make provision for our triumphant warriors, to make good with appropriate care any damage caused to their health, and to consider how to endow ailing heroes with a renewed capacity for work and zest for life—
GRUMBLER —for death!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 41
Austrian military hospital. Convalescents, wounded soldiers of all ranks and men on their deathbed.
GENERAL STAFF PHYSICIAN (opens the door) Aha, there they are, nicely assembled, all the shirkers. (Some of the patients suffer serious fits of nerves.) Come on, come on, no need for drama. We’ll soon fix that — just wait a moment! (To a doctor) Well, what’s keeping you? Where the hell’s the electric shock apparatus? Quick, I want to sort out the shirkers and fakers. (The doctors approach various beds with the relevant equipment. The patients get convulsions.) Him over there, bed number five, a particularly suspicious case! (The patient begins to scream.) There’s only one remedy for that, one we prescribe in the very worst cases. Exposure to a heavy barrage! Yes sirree, the best way would be to shove everyone with shattered nerves into one container and expose them to a brisk burst of gunfire. Then they would soon forget their sufferings and be fit for front-line duty again! That would put an end to their shakes! (He bangs the door behind him. A patient dies. Enter the commandant, Lieutenant-Colonel Vincenz Demmer, Baron von Drahtverhau.)
DEMMER VON DRAHTVERHAU Aha, sloppy saluting again, for a change! You gents here in the hinterland are making yourselves nice and comfortable in your beds. And that’s exactly why you see me here today. You, Medical Officer, buck your patients up so they hear what I have to say — an announcement of exemplary importance. I’m talking about the new saluting regulations — I don’t mean saluting here in the hospital, but for when you’re back on your feet, so you can get used to them before you’ve been compulsorily reenlisted. So, pay attention! (He reads out)
Directives concerning saluting:
The salute must always be carried out when fully at attention, as prescribed; the prescribed salute must be given to any superior or person of higher rank at no more than 30 paces distance from the subordinate or person of lower rank. The salute consists of spontaneously raising the right arm towards the head, with the palm of the hand to the side of the right eye and turned towards the face, so that the tips of the closed fingers touch the peak of the headgear (with caps without a peak, the border of the cap). On encountering the person to be saluted, or if the person to be saluted walks past the person saluting, the salute is to be carried out at a distance of three paces from the person to be saluted, and ends as soon as the person to be saluted has passed by a distance of three paces. If the soldier is carrying something in his right hand, he salutes with his left hand, if he has something in both hands, he salutes by a smart turn of the head. This latter also applies to saluting on all occasions. On encountering a superior or someone of higher rank, the soldier must avoid passing the other at a distance of less than one pace. Other unfortunately entrenched forms of salute are strictly forbidden, viz. raising the right hand with the palm pointing outward to the right, fingers spread and touching the peak of the cap with the forefinger possibly even in front of the nose; saluting with a cigarette or cigar (or short pipe — the so-called nose warmer) in the hand raised in salute or even in the mouth; saluting outdoors when uncovered, and bowing with cap in hand. Military personnel who fail to salute according to regulations or who — for whatever reason — fail to salute at all, are liable to severe punishment; those on leave, besides being reported to their commanding officer, will be compulsorily reenlisted.—
So, get that into your heads, whoever does not spontaneously raise his right hand, with the palm of the hand to the side of the right eye and turned towards the face, so that the tips of the closed fingers touch the peak of the headgear (with caps without a peak, the border of the cap), can be forced to do so! Get that into your heads! That’s the example to follow! As far as the other regulations concerning saluting are concerned, namely those in force here in the hospital, as long as you’re lying around here you must set a good example, too, and I don’t need to impress upon you that, irrespective of your accredited ailments, you each must salute as per regulations when a superior appears. You’ve no caps at the moment, but each of you has a forehead, so you’ll have no problem raising your hand — if you have a hand — to your forehead, got it? So — eyes right! Hey, what’s that — him in bed five — seems he can’t wait to rejoin a battalion with its marching orders for the front — (the Medical Officer gives him some information.) Ah — all right, then — if you say so — but as a general rule — see to it that everything is in order next time!
Just make sure you get these people back out there, Medical Officer! There’s a black mark against your name already — don’t stir up more trouble by being too humane! A patriotic doctor is one who supplies the front! Follow the example of Dr. Zwangler, he just stuffed a bit of cloth in the mouth of a fellow with the shakes, and after two electric shocks rated him Category B and fit for nonarmed service. Or Dr. Zwickler! There’s ambition for you! He’s the one, you remember, who had the idea of applying electric shocks to the genitals — wants to get results, as quickly and as many as possible — which he does! Let him be an example to you! We need to buck up a bit! The Germans are using alternating current that trigger muscle spasms — while we’re as pure as the driven snow! All that blather about being humane, but how can you reconcile it with patriotism? War is war, and a doctor’s prime duty is to set a good example and replenish human resources. The surgeon general is complaining that you’re putting medical considerations first. He’s tried to make you understand, as one colleague to another, that a Category C is fit for more than just clerical duties, he should be in the trenches, but he says he always has his work cut out with you. So I ask you — how d’ya fancy getting sent to some typhus hospital in Albania? Well then! For all I know you may be right from a medical point of view — like when you dug your heels in recently over that fellow who was haemorrhaging from the lungs, because he was a family man and so on — but the sole consideration here is the military one! We accept responsibility! Or that fellow with renal failure — what a laugh — why get worked up over him? — first he has to fire his 50 shots, then he can die! Serving His Majesty means that anyone who can walk is not left lying around here a minute longer than is necessary — keep your scruples for peacetime!
For as long as our country is in danger, everyone must be at his post, on guard! Me too, I’m no different, by jingo! — Over to the sergeants now, they’ll take you through the saluting exercises, and I don’t want to hear any complaints — no one’s ever had any complaints against me — if you had Medinger von Minenfeld in charge here instead, or Gruber von Grünkreuz, oh boy, oh boy! What more do you want? You’ve got food, you’ve got soup, nice dried vegetables, and a nice cup of tea to wash it down, I’ve never had any complaints. All right, I suppose you’ve got time on your hands before you get back out to fight the good fight. But the saluting exercises will take care of that! And if it’s not granted to some of you to get back out into the good fight for your country, your country is looking after you in the most exemplary way. Six hellers a day, without having to do a stroke, isn’t that quite something? And if you behave you’ll even get an artificial limb, and if you set an example you’ll be reincorporated into the reserves. We’re pure as the driven snow! — thank your lucky stars we’re not with the Germans, otherwise I’d have you standing to attention — lying down! A bit of saluting before you get back out never finished anyone off. So — that’s it for today! (Exit.)