Scene 4
Foreign Ministry.
COUNT LEOPOLD FRANZ RUDOLF ERNEST VINCENZ INNOCENZ MARIA (looks in his pocket mirror) Another fine mess we’ve got ourselves into. If I’d had an inkling of the difficulties it would cause, I’d have spoken out against the ultimatum!
BARON EDUARD ALOIS JOSEF OTTOKAR IGNAZIUS EUSABIUS MARIA What’s up?
COUNT Another fine mess. If you’re going to wage war, you’ve got to anticipate such difficulties!
BARON I can’t make you out. What more d’you want? I’ve just read that the krauts have sunk another 4,000 tons, and we haven’t been idle either. Five.
COUNT Five thousand?
BARON Five tons!
COUNT You’re kidding! If the Swiss don’t get us out of this—
BARON What! You’re still hoping the neutrals will—?
COUNT I’ve never been so on edge, waiting for the courier. I’m dying of impatience.
BARON So what’s going on?
COUNT We sit here twiddling our thumbs — you just can’t depend on our people in Berne! By God, if I weren’t indispensable here, I’d be in the saddle and off; I’d soon get things sorted! I know exactly what I want, but you’re handicapped whatever way you turn. A charming affair, this war! But this I guarantee, we’re going to see some changes now!
BARON You always were madly optimistic. What d’you imagine they can do in Berne?
COUNT What I wrote down for them, black on white! But no, they would play bridge all day long — and at night, you know as well as I do what they get up to. During the day, too, for that matter — they’ve got time on their hands.
BARON Oh come on, what’s got into you — Look, let me say it again, if you will send out people who aren’t from the top drawer, then they don’t even put on a good show.
COUNT Oh, stop it — having to go and pester the War Ministry every week for an unrestricted visa for some Jew, so they can find suckers to fleece at bridge in Berne — that’s all they need us for! And all the flappers I have to pull strings for to get out of the country! I’ll tell you this, since Bubi became a counsellor at the Embassy, he’s no damn use at all. Just wait till Bubi and Affi get back to Vienna, I’ll soon show them the game’s up. I’ll tell them to their face: You fellows, I’ll say, you’re full of charm, but when the going gets tough, you’re not dependable. It’s ridiculous. This war was the last straw! Y’know, I feel sorely tempted right now to chuck the whole thing in!
BARON But I thought you were pinning your hopes on the neutrals!
COUNT I’m telling you, the neutrals are the greatest disappointment. The Netherlands have left us totally in the lurch—
BARON I really don’t know what to make of you. You’ve become so prickly you make me laugh! You were the confident one — more than any of us. From the very start. When Berchtold told us: Now the army can have its way! — your eyes lit up even more than his, you almost threw yourself round his neck. The ultimatum is terrific — that’s what you said — absolutely spot-on — You can’t say don’t you remember!?
COUNT Oh, don’t remind me! The ultimatum was a pig’s breakfast. We can’t go on like this. If Switzerland lets us down this time, I really don’t know — I’m desperate! Anyhow, tomorrow — I’ve never been so on edge, waiting for that courier! (Looks in pocket mirror.) Another fine mess.
BARON Holy Moses! What are you waiting for that’s so special?
COUNT Dimwit — my Colgate shaving cream, of course—!!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 5
Near Udine.
Two generals, each in an automobile piled high with baggage, arrive from opposite directions.
FIRST GENERAL That’s my last trip. We’ve got all we can.
SECOND GENERAL We’ve got all we can.
FIRST Pity. Such a rich country.
SECOND Yes. Those Germans!
FIRST Beat us to it again!
SECOND Those Germans!
FIRST They’re efficient, you may envy them, but you’ve got to give them that. They’ve got special looting officers, it’s all organized. Centralized collections. Whereas we have to pick up bits and pieces by ourselves.
SECOND Organization, that’s what they have. As soon as they got to Udine, they immediately divided it into Udine North and Udine South. Udine S had the silk, so that naturally belongs to the Germans.
FIRST Udine N had zilch. So, of course, that’s ours.
SECOND And, of course, we’re not allowed across the demarcation line.
FIRST Bad show.
SECOND Bad show.
FIRST The German silk merchants had got there before our advance units.
SECOND And the German looting officers are quicker off the mark than our galloping consumption. Gotta hand it to them!
FIRST Yes, though our chaps got hold of some wine. Not all of it’s been drunk yet!
SECOND But our chaps were sloshed. Like in that “Death to the Russians” game!
FIRST D’you get anything? Some abandoned property maybe?
SECOND Nothing much, only the odd memento from the front, anything that wasn’t nailed down.
FIRST Today I requisitioned three carpets, 30 kilos of rice, some meat, two bags of coffee, three door panels, and four pictures of saints, beautifully painted, very naturalistic!
SECOND Today I got a gramophone, 20 kilos of macaroni, some copper, five kilos of cheese, two dozen tins of sardines, and a couple of pictures, in oils! So long. (He drives off.)
FIRST So long. — What’s that I see? One of our infantrymen, pinching a cob of maize! Hold on, you rascal, that’s robbery! (He gets out of the car and slaps him.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 6
The base at Fourmies, near the Ardennes.
TERRITORIAL RESERVIST LÜDECKE Let those moaning minnies come, from the front or from back home, we won’t let them spoil our war here at the base. The boozing and whoring is just fine, there’s no sign of a peace without annexations here. The Crown Prince has a fully functioning harem on the go, with a terrific addition the other day — when the parents objected, he simply had them deported. Here in the west we’re just mopping up. After all, what do they expect back home? We send back all we can. I’m told the loot from Lille is already being sold at Wertheim’s in Berlin. I must drop a line home and say how well out of it we are here. (He writes.) May the 8th. My dear friend, I’ve been posted to the requisition unit of the base at Fourmies. We relieve the French population of all their lead, brass, copper, cork, oil, etc., chandeliers, cooking ranges; everything collected from far and wide makes its way to Germany. It’s often very unpleasant taking wedding presents from the young women, but the necessity of war compels us to do it. With one of my comrades I recently made a rich haul. In a walled-up room we found 15 musical instruments made of copper, a whole orchestra, a brand new bicycle, 150 bed sheets and towels, and six copper chandeliers, which alone weighed 25 kilos; also a lot of other valuable objects. You can imagine how mad the old witch who owned them was; I couldn’t stop laughing. Everything together was worth over 10,000 marks. A few bales of sheep’s wool and a lot of other stuff. The commandant was more than delighted and we’re even going to get a reward. Maybe the Iron Cross as well. And then there are the young girls, it’s fun deflowering them. All good wishes—
(Change of scene.)
Scene 7
Circus Busch. Mass rally for “Peace on German Terms.”
PASTOR BRÜSTLEIN (arm outstretched) — In the west: the iron and steel centres of Longwy and Briey! And we’ll never return the Flemish coast! (Deafening applause.) In the east, the notorious line of fortifications — by hook or by crook they must remain in our hands and never again threaten East Prussia! (Lively applause.) In the Baltic, we’ll never return Courland and occupied Lithuania! (Deafening applause.) And linked to Courland: Livonia and Estonia. (Right arm outstretched.) They’ve sounded the alarm. We must come to their aid!