SUBSCRIBER In a word, it seems very likely that rumours are circulating throughout the whole Monarchy.
PATRIOT I think so, too. Y’know, if it were only something you heard as a rumour — but the Austrian government is quite explicit, and the Hungarian, too.
SUBSCRIBER There must be something in it. But who believes in rumours?
PATRIOT Exactly. If I bump into any of my acquaintances, the first thing I ask him is whether he’s heard the rumours, and if he says no, I tell him not to believe them but to do his utmost to deny there’s any truth in them, as we’re called upon to do. It’s the least we can do — our prime duty as loyal citizens.
SUBSCRIBER There must be something in them, otherwise those three Members of Parliament — y’know, the ones who always hang out together — surely wouldn’t have gone to see Prime Minister Seidler and drawn his attention to the rumours circulating.
PATRIOT Exactly! But the prime minister said he knew all about the rumours in question — and in circulation.
SUBSCRIBER Exactly! Y’know what I think? Just between the two of us — the rumours have something to do with the House of — (drops his voice, holding the paper over his mouth.)
PATRIOT You don’t say! But I’ll tell you something else. Whoever’s spreading the rumours wants to undermine the people’s faith in the House of—!
SUBSCRIBER You said it! And they even say that the rumours always start spreading at the same time in completely different places, and that’s why—
PATRIOT —one is justified in concluding that we’re dealing with an organized conspiracy!
SUBSCRIBER So they say. But after all, they’re only rumours — who could have worked that out so exactly, I ask you — at the same time in completely different places!
PATRIOT Don’t say that. The government could! Y’know what people are saying? They say spreading rumours is fresh evidence of attempts by the enemy to cause confusion. But their efforts are all in vain!
SUBSCRIBER So I heard. They even say rumours are one of the enemy’s secret weapons, and that they’ll stop at nothing to shake the very foundations of the Monarchy and loosen the ties of love and respect we feel towards the House of — (drops his voice, holding the paper over his mouth.)
PATRIOT You don’t say! Well — in that case they’ll hit a brick wall!
SUBSCRIBER Y’know what?
PATRIOT What—?
SUBSCRIBER I’d like to know if there’s anything in the rumours.
PATRIOT That I can tell you — nothing at all, and the best proof of that is that nobody knows what they’re about. But y’know what?
SUBSCRIBER What—?
PATRIOT I’d like to know if there is any truth in those rumours.
SUBSCRIBER Well, what truth could there be in them? Brilliant rumours they must be, when no one can say what they’re about. The rumour mill is spinning—
PATRIOT —and we don’t have a grain of truth!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 18
Optimist and Grumbler in conversation.
OPTIMIST What do you say about the rumours?
GRUMBLER I haven’t heard them, but I believe them.
OPTIMIST Oh come on, they’re lies put out by the Allies—!
GRUMBLER —but not nearly as dubious as our truths.
OPTIMIST If the worst comes to the worst, the one thing that could feed these rumours would be—
GRUMBLER —if we couldn’t feed our people.
(Change of scene.)
Scene 19
Vienna. Michaelerplatz. Military band from the Hofburg Palace marches past. Behind it, the riffraff. Drum roll.
CHOIR OF THE RIFFRAFF (to the tune of the “Radetzky March”)
Nama bread, nama flour, nama baccy to smoke—
Nama bread, nama flour, nama baccy to smoke—
We’ve gone bust, we’ve gone bust.
Where oh where has my Austria gone?
(The music grows fainter.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 20
Military command post.
CAPTAIN (dictates from a text) Strictly confidential! — Prisoners of war who have absconded from their work for no good reason and who have been apprehended and returned, are to be punished by being bound and fettered for at least two hours — (the telephone rings) What is it? — Aha — yes, of course—20 kilos of flour, extra fine — well, I’ll see what can be done — bye — So, where were we?
CLERK —punished by being bound and fettered for at least two hours—
CAPTAIN —and on completion of punishment — if this seems appropriate in view of special cases — are as a matter of principle to be returned forthwith to their previous place of work. Those in command of prisoner-of-war camps must use all permitted punitive measures, followed by employment in the most arduous tasks in the prisoner-of-war camp, in order as far as is possible to inflict maximum discomfort on those prisoners who have absconded, been apprehended and then returned to the prisoner-of-war camp. — (The telephone rings.) What is it now? — Aha — yes, of course — unfit for active military service — five kilos of lard — tell him, I’ll see what can be done — keep a note of everything — Hang on a second, don’t forget to remind the editor about the tickets for Blood of the Hussars, give him a call at the paper, d’you hear — Say I’ll be a bit late — bye, old girl! — So, where were we?
CLERK —the period spent there—
CAPTAIN —as far as is feasible—
CLERK —no, as far as is possible—
CAPTAIN Your attention is drawn to the fact that detention generally seems ineffective as a punishment for reducing the number of attempts to abscond, except when implemented on officially regulated days of rest or on such as qualify as public holidays, through application of the approved form of enhanced punishment. — Right — it’s almost four. Bye, gentlemen, enjoy your evenings!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 21
War Ministry.
CAPTAIN (dictates from a text) Strictly confidential! — In view of the fact that almost a million Russian prisoners of war will leave the Austro-Hungarian Monarchy and return to their homeland in the course of the next few months, what these prisoners of war feel when they think back on the time spent in our country is of crucial importance. It therefore seems highly desirable that we should aim to ensure that those few unfavourable impressions experienced should be weakened, the innumerable pleasant and favourable ones, on the other hand, encouraged and strengthened. Then the Russians returning to their homeland will not think back on us with blunt indifference or even vengeful hatred, but will knowingly become fully committed and active ambassadors for Austro-Hungarian culture in their own country. The way such a favourable outcome can be achieved is by developing political, social, and economic propaganda which speaks to the Russian soul, and which is open-handed and honest in intention. The plan is, shortly before expulsion—
CLERK Expulsion?!
CAPTAIN —expulsion of the Russian prisoners of war, to evoke by means of propaganda lectures on political, social, and economic issues a pro-Austrian spirit among the Russian prisoners of war. Quite apart from all the important consequences — for instance, for our economy — such a realignment of the Russian soul can help demolish the lying propaganda disseminated by the enemy worldwide. To make a lasting impact on the Russian prisoners of war, the propaganda cannot of course be limited to lecturing the Russian prisoners of war, rather the time up to their final deportation must be used to make as good an impression in all respects on the Russian prisoners of war as is feasible. — New paragraph.