TEACHER No! That’s not what was meant! The tourist trade is a tender plant that needs proper loving care. Do you want an invasion of spaghetti eaters?
CLASS Yes! Anything, so long as we get something to eat!
TEACHER Shame on you, you good-for-nothings! What must our erstwhile illustrious monarch be thinking, God rest his soul, as he looks down on you from his portrait? He could never have imagined it would lead to such degeneration when he unsheathed his sword against the superior force of the enemy in the deliberately provoked defensive war he was compelled to declare. Woe unto us, if the enemy come among us. They would occupy our best hotels, it would be no laughing matter, and our women, guardians of hearth and home, would pay the price! Have you forgotten everything I ever told you? I do hope not!
CLASS The wild storm clouds of war are sweeping over our lands since our illustrious monarch called thousands and tens of thousands of our sons and brothers to arms, yet there are already signs that tourism is on the increase. So never let us lose sight of this ideal, but let us today strike up the old song that we learned in days of yore when peace reigned: “Promote Our Tourist Trade!” (They sing.)
A a, Ha ha! Here come tourists, hallelujah!
We’re not broke, we’re up and running,
Now we see the tourists coming,
A a, Ha ha! Here come tourists, hallelujah!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 24
National Tourist Association.
REPORTER —to ask you for comments on the development of tourism after the war, insofar as any such measures are already under consideration.
OFFICIAL Of course. As you know, in addition to the Congress of Military Physicians, there has been a recent exchange of ideas between representatives of the Federation of Comrades-in-Arms specialising in the promotion of tourism in Germany, Hungary, and Austria.
REPORTER So we can expect that the problem of tourism will be examined from quite new perspectives after the war?
OFFICIAL Indubitably.
REPORTER Perhaps you would kindly give me a pointer about the angle our comrades-in-arms might develop in regard to tourism. I suppose we can assume that the enemy will also suffer losses in this respect?
OFFICIAL In all probability, Germans will naturally not visit the French and Belgian tourist resorts.
REPORTER Do you mean the Germans won’t be able to visit these resorts, or won’t want to?
OFFICIAL I mean, the Germans won’t be able to — want to — visit these resorts.
REPORTER So the Germans will look for some alternative, then? I mean, some alternative in their own country?
OFFICIAL The German coast offers sufficient alternatives to the cosmopolitan North Sea resorts.
REPORTER But where will the Germans find alternatives to the French Riviera? Surely here?
OFFICIAL The Austrian Adriatic coast certainly offers an excellent alternative to the French Riviera with its climatic advantages for spring and autumn visits, so it can expect a great influx of foreign visitors.
REPORTER When you talk of the Austrian Adriatic coast, you mean: as distinct from the Italian, do you not, or at any rate you mean: The Adriatic remains—
OFFICIAL —in our hands. Certainly, for otherwise the Germans would have to find an alternative to the Adriatic as well.
REPORTER So if I understand you correctly, you think it is principally the German public that our tourist trade will attract?
OFFICIAL Certainly.
REPORTER Turning now to the main issue. What attractions will we be able to offer our visitors after the war, or rather, what alternative attractions to those sights that may have been destroyed in the war? Quite rightly, your forecast for the Adriatic was a favourable one. But what else will we be able to offer?
OFFICIAL The Alpine lands, with their outstanding memories of the war, will offer an additional attraction to visitors from central Europe.
REPORTER What kind of memories of the war do you have in mind?
OFFICIAL We are hopeful that pious visits to the graves of heroes and war cemeteries will result in a lively tourist trade. It’s a question of setting our house in order once more. And in this respect we call above all upon the understanding and collaboration of the press, since it is our task to make the best of the attractions inherent in every epoch. What could be more ideally suited for promoting tourism than the Graves of the Fallen!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 25
Café on the Ring. Afternoon. Various fauna, sitting or standing, involved in heated debates. Conversation on the most diverse subjects: rice, sugar, leather, even bets being laid on trotting races; one person unpacks an oil painting, another shows a diamond ring for valuation by a group of excited bystanders. Among the dealers there are also those in uniform, a diminutive lieutenant giving “tips” to a gigantic commercial agent. In the midst of all this, on benches to the side, girls in insectlike costumes. Waiters and waitresses bring drinks. Someone is selling race cards. Armadillos amble past. The air is thick with price quotations.
Anyone coming in is met by a cacophony of sounds — at first unintelligible, then in all registers — gasps, yells, whistles, croaks, mainly reinforcing points made. Straining his ears, he can eventually distinguish one from the other.
CACOPHONY —Sez he! — me own words! — off the record! — lemme tell ya! — gimme yer word! — watch me lips! — getta loada this! — watch yer langwidge! — on his say-so! — him’s my witness! — lemme tell ya a secret! — what more can I tell ya? — You can say that again!—
MAMMUT Hey — pst — got any of them spicey pancakes?
WAITER Banned since last week.
MAMMUT You can’t get a damn thing! Nothing doing — zilch? Okay, but ain’t there anything? (To his neighbour.) But as I was tellin ya, wot it cost me to dodge the draft today!
ZIESELMAUS Ya can say yer prayers for that.
WALROSS (studying his race card) — Leave off! I wouldn’t back Hindenburg, I wouldn’t back Primadonna, I’ll tell you which one I would back, I’d put my shirt on Doberdo!—
HAMSTER —He’s got it made now — self-supply! I’ve got a hot line to Kornfeld from Central Supplies, so I ups tracks down to Dairy Products and sez to them: here I am, Solly Hamster—
NASHORN —Who gives a toss for rumours? I’m not going to tear me hair out ’cos of rumours! Just ’cos there’s supposed to be summat in the papers about peace feelers. Perish the thought! I tell ya, bizniz is booming — like a bomb!—
TAPIR —What do you want from me, think I’m Hindenburg?—
SCHAKAL —Ya can’t count on Siegfried Hirschl, I wouldn’t give a dime for someone on desk duties only! Ya should’ve seen how they kowtowed to me at the War Ministry, what a riot! Nuff said!—
LEGUAN —Lira, lira, unlimited supplies!—
KAIMAN —Without an export licence, nothing doing — Julius Kaiman knows, y’know!—
PAVIAN —Albania? You’re wasting yer breath, a gorilla war!—
KONDOR —Couldn’t give a cuss for a brat like you! I was coining it before you was even thought of! Five minutes ago, if you’d been listening on the blower — eight tons and 50,000 credit on my word alone! From Vienna, pronto — buyer collects! Go for sugar, you won’t make a dime flogging bandages!
LÖW —Get a life — if only I could!
HIRSCH —And me kvetching at my old woman, day and night—
WOLF —There’ll be a riot when the evening paper comes out! I just can’t believe it!—
POSAMENTIER —How’d I know? They say Burian put out some kinda peace feelers!—