SPITZBAUCH Pst — a hot chocolate — no, wait, I know, bring me a—
SCHLECHTIGKEIT —That sparkler, between you, me, and the lamppost, wasn’t worth—
VOICES OF PEOPLE RUSHING IN I’m telling you, it ain’t true! — As I live and breathe, from the most impeccable source, it’s true! — And what if I tell ya it ain’t true!? — And I’m tellin ya, it’s the fuckin truth, we’re done for! — Wanna bet it’s not true, then?!
(A fur coat is stolen. A hubbub ensues.)
GOLLERSTEPPER But I know him, he’s always snooping and sniffing around here, the miserable hack!
TUGENDHAT What use is a fur coat to anyone now?
GOLLERSTEPPER What a question—! Ask Mundi Rosenberg from the rag trade!
MAMMUT (wheezes) I could do with two more truckloads—
MASTODON —of cooking fat? How can I get my paws on cooking fat? Think I’d risk—?
RAUBITSCHEK —Crazy, prices have gone through the roof. I’ll let you in on a secret — if ya really wanna get yer dirty paws on summat, go up and schmooze ’em in uniform!—
VORTREFFLICH —Y’know summat? To hit the jackpot? — Soap’s the thing! Thread’s wearing thin, nowadays.—
GUTWILLIG —He’s a big cheese in groceries right now! Teenovin imitation tea and Punchnovin punch substitute, basta! And now he’s good for two million on credit. Top-grade merchandise, what a sensation!—
AUFRICHTIG —As I live and breathe, cross my heart, word of honour, he pointed to Titian’s signature on the picture and said: a dead snip! When I prove to him later that it’s not a genuine Titian, all he says is: I weren’t there when Titian painted it, woz I? I ask ya, is that kosher?
BESTÄNDIG Well, if he didn’t guarantee it wasn’t a genuine Titian—?
BRAUCHBAR It makes me head spin, now he turns round and explains he swapped the Titian for four racehorses, that beggars belief!
TOILET ATTENDANT (calls in) Telephone call for Herr Pollatschek! (Pollatschek rushes out.)
LUSTIG Y’see—? Chase after him—
(A disabled ex-serviceman appears, trembling. His head is shaking continuously. He is led away.)
(In the background, an elderly war profiteer sits huddled up, evidently a broken man. Friends try to help him. A woman keeps a hand on his shoulder. A girl talks to him. Others who are curious or solicitous join in.)
FIRST FRIEND But surely—! It doesn’t have to be true!
SECOND FRIEND Just look at you! — I don’t know what to think — throwing in the towel without — you’re a queer’un—!
ELDERLY WAR PROFITEER (groaning) Leave me be — leave me be — yes, I know — I’m a lame duck — my God — my God — you get one big chance in life, and — there’s no — my Skoda Works shares — my Skoda armaments shares—
WOMAN Bernie — pull yourself together — who says it’s true — the war’s strained your nerves—
DAUGHTER Don’t upset him any more — look, everyone’s coming over to look—!
WOMAN Oh, my God — his heart!
ELDERLY WAR PROFITEER Leave me in peace — leave me in peace — my heart — the evening paper — my Skoda shares—
DAUGHTER Look at him rubbing his hands there, Weitzner — gloating away—! Uncle, tell him to go away — The mere sight of him gets on Papa’s nerves!
UNCLE Sorry — but you can’t stop customers — in a public restaurant—
WOMAN You’re all we needed!
FIRST FRIEND Moldauer — listen — I thought — look, you’ve got your head screwed on — I’m at a loss to understand the man I once knew—
ELDERLY WAR PROFITEER But if it’s — true — and I know it is — God — God — my Skoda shares—
SECOND FRIEND What d’you bet it’s not true — come on, what d’you bet? — I’m on a winner — boy oh boy, won’t you be happy to pay up—!
(The elderly war profiteer sobs convulsively. Everyone tries to help, their faces contorted with anxiety.)
A RELATIVELY YOUNG PROFITEER (pushes forward) Has he got any truckloads—? How many trucks has he got? Cross my heart and hope to die, I’m willing—
UNCLE Get away, you cheeky monkey!
ELDERLY WAR PROFITEER (now merely whimpering) — Skoda shares—
RESTAURANT MANAGER (appears) What’s happened—? What’s up with Herr von Moldauer—?
FIRST FRIEND Nothing — Rappaport comes rushing in and tells him — tells him he knows — that he, Rappaport of all people, knows!
RESTAURANT MANAGER Knows what? Good God, he’s passed out! Whatever happened—?
FIRST FRIEND Nothing — it was just gossip — but he took it all to heart.
RESTAURANT MANAGER Yes, but — gossip about what?
FRIEND What d’ya think? About the threat of peace!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 26
Berlin. Friedrichstrasse. A procession of hoodlums, middlemen, operetta singers, Bohemians, faith healers, pimps, rent boys, floozies, con men, procurers, profiteers, and prostitutes.
CHORUS OF VOICES (Shouting slogans in Berlin slang) — Stunning victory at Caporetto! — Ready for the push on the Piave! — Lonely Hearts Weekly! — Simplicissimus, latest issue! — Berliner Zeitung, midday edition! The neutral countries opt out — Wax vestas, wax vestas! — Tageblatt, evening edition, no German ships requisitioned! — Lokalanzeiger! — Grosse Glocke! Sensational revelations, scandal at Wertheims! — Welt am Montag! Temple of Venus for men in Kochstrasse closed by police! — For our little ones! Lifelike imitation of our biggest guns firing! — First heralds of spring in bloom! Fifteen pfennigs! — Lonely Hearts Weekly! — Sexy stories from Moabit Prison! — Berliner Zeitung, midday edition, B.Z.! — Laugh with Die Woche! — Wax vestas, wax vestas! — The Rosenkavalier for wine and the snuggest place to dine! — Lifelike imitation of our biggest guns firing! — Vossische Zeitung, evening edition: we’ll never surrender Alsace, declares Foreign Minister Kühlmann! — For our little ones: model of Big Bertha! The latest hit, 10 pfennigs! The rattling and droning when manoeuvring the cannon into place sounds like real shells howling through the air! — B.Z., midday edition! The neutral countries opt out—Tageblatt, evening edition, no German ships requisitioned! — Die Wahrheit, latest issue! The secrets of the Kurfürstendamm! Sensational revelations! — Kühlmann will never surrender Alsace! — Provocative language in Vorwärts! — Lokalanzeiger! — Ready for the push on the Piave! — Like real shells howling through the air! — Lonely Hearts Weekly! — Simplicissimus! — Grosse Glocke! scandal at Wertheims — First heralds of spring in bloom—Berliner Zeitung, midday edition, B.Z.! — Frau von Knesebeck and the secrets of the boudoir: fragrant! — For our little ones! Lifelike imitation of our biggest guns firing! — Ready for the push on the Piave!—
A YOUTH (to a passing girl) Floozywoozy!
GIRL Toy boy!
A YOUTH What d’you say? Hooker! (Passersby gather.)
GIRL What? Ponce!
POLICEMAN Come on, move along now! (The procession re-forms.)