(Enter a Berlin profiteer and a Viennese profiteer, shoulder to shoulder.)
BERLIN PROFITEER What’s keeping you? When’s the launch?
VIENNESE PROFITEER I’ve three truckloads in reserve, but I’m holding them back.
BERLIN PROFITEER For God’s sake, kiddo, I mean launch the offensive! Pull yer finger out!
VIENNESE PROFITEER Ain’t gotta clue—!
BERLIN PROFITEER You Austrians — what pathetic wankers! It’s time you got stuck in! Aren’t you ever going to let rip? (The Viennese profiteer is at a loss for words.) Well? Yes?
VIENNESE PROFITEER (plucking up courage) Yes, well—
NEWSPAPER VENDOR Eight o’clock evening edition, Count Burian’s peace offer—20 tons of high explosive fired into the fortress of Paris!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 27
High Command garrison. A cabaret. General Staff officers, war profiteers, hostesses. The band plays the “Prince Eugene March”, “When the Last Tram’s Gone, the Gentleman Drinks on to Dawn”, and “The Watch on the Rhine.” At a table, right, Kohn, a Viennese trafficker, with a girl on his knee, behind them a group of waiters dancing attendance. At a table, left, Fettköter, a Berlin trafficker, with a girl on his knee, behind them a group of waiters dancing attendance. In the middle, a table with General Staff officers and girls.
The scene roughly follows the melody from Offenbach’s “La Vie parisienne”:
DRUNKEN GENERAL STAFF OFFICER (propped up by his comrades, beats time on the table)
The front is crumbling? God forbid!
When I hear that, I flip my lid!
Of food and drink there is no dearth,
we Austrians know just what that’s worth.
Out here we have no qualms or fears,
Austria will last a thousand years!
A thousand years on Habsburg’s throne—
CHORUS OF WAITERS
Quick, more champagne for Herr von Kohn!
GIRL ON RIGHT
What’s up with you? My grumpy lover!
KOHN
Don’t laugh — the war is almost over!
DRUNKEN GENERAL STAFF OFFICER
Don’t make a fuss, no need to squeal—
FRITZI-SPRITZI (slaps the wandering hand of the General Staff officer)
Don’t touch! — A sack of flour’s the deal!
PROPRIETOR (to waiters on right)
It’s time those soldiers paid their bill!
They’re honour-bound — you know the drill.
(to the waiters on left)
They may be broke, but one thing’s clear,
they’re officers, you’ve naught to fear.
The suckers, they won’t do a bunk!
DRUNKEN GENERAL STAFF OFFICER
Habsburg for ever! — else we’re sunk—
(He falls under the table.)
TOILET ATTENDANT AND CLOAKROOM STAFF
Habsburg for ever! — else we’re sunk—
FETTKÖTER (to the girl on his knee)
If Hindenburg could see you now—
the things you Viennese allow!
I’ll tell him it’s the giddy limit
GIRL ON LEFT
It’s just a bit of fun, now, innit?
GENERAL STAFF OFFICERS
“Prince Eugene’s March”—stand up — three cheers!
DRUNKEN GENERAL STAFF OFFICER (under table)
Austria will last a thousand years—
TOILET ATTENDANT AND CLOAKROOM STAFF
Yes, Austria will last a thousand years.
FETTKÖTER
You’ve got it wrong, you’re on the slide,
you’re run-down, tired, self-satisfied.
So what you need’s a Prussian scheme—
a fully functioning regime!
GIRL ON LEFT
Oh Putzi, don’t be such a stickler!
FETTKÖTER
Oh yes? Well you’re not too particular!
Back home, today, for one and alclass="underline"
Sober but Confident’s the trumpet call.
Hey, waiter! waiter! What’s the score?
GIRL ON LEFT
O stop it, you are such a bore!
GIRL ON RIGHT
Upon my soul, if I could choose,
some caviar I’d not refuse.
I’m picky, though, depends who’s buying—
KOHN
That’s news to me, but edifying!
FETTKÖTER (prepares to leave)
A whole day in this charming land,
I’ve still not seen the High Command.
I’ll leg it now, it’s time for me
to book a new delivery!
Must get a deal in place before,
not after, we have won the war!
(He starts to smooch.)
But first a pretty Viennese,
and this one here’s a classy squeeze!
GIRL ON LEFT (giving the waiters a sign)
You’re rich then, Putzi, promise me?
CHORUS OF WAITERS
Some more champagne? Yes, certainly!
PROPRIETOR AND WAITERS
He’s not from here — and we’ve the knack
to have the shirt right off his back!
KOHN
I won’t have that, let’s make it clear—
why ogle them? I’m paying here!
GIRL ON RIGHT
It’s not my fault, look, can’t you see
it’s them that’s staring back at me!
KOHN
You think that this is just a laugh,
flirting with the General Staff!
GENERAL STAFF OFFICER
And if we lose, it’s no big deal,
our honour’s safe, that they can’t steal.
See, war is war — and win or lose—
there’s Fritzi here to chase the blues.
CHORUS OF GENERAL STAFF OFFICERS
Out here we have no qualms or fears,
Austria will last a thousand years!
And even if we faced a rout,
our German friends will pull us out.
More champers, waiter, while there’s time!
FETTKÖTER
Staunch stands and true the Watch on the Rhine!
(Change of scene)
Scene 28
Viennese lecture hall.
GRUMBLER (recites “Prayer”)
Almighty God, we’ve reached the end of time,
so close my eyes to scenes my spirits dread.
Let me not witness how they swill their wine
to compensate for all the blood they’ve shed.
Almighty God, banish this age I hate
and help me to become a child again.
Eternity’s a realm we all await.
Let sovereign blindness mitigate the pain.
Almighty God, help me to hold my breath!
I will not speak a language so uncouth.
Their hatred brings stupidity and death,
taking revenge on those who tell the truth.
Almighty God, the gift of thought you gave,
but they adapt it to their vulgar needs.
The words they speak send values to the grave,
negating death and nullifying deeds.
Almighty God, if only you could quell
the crude cacophony that fills the sky!
The Devil, once condemned to freeze in hell,
feels really cosy as the bullets fly.
Almighty God, you lit the lamp of science,
infused it with your breath, but now, alas,
we render thanks by placing our reliance
on suffocating clouds of poison gas.
Almighty God, why ever was I born
into this godless age — it’s hard to take!
The starving population’s left to mourn,
while profiteers are feasting at the wake.
Almighty God, why at this hour of strife
was I compelled to live in Habsburg lands,