SECOND Brilliant idea! Look, they’re already glowing! But what’s happening now? Something’s being handed around.
FIRST Postcards with the Emperor’s picture. That’ll cost them half their bread ration.
SECOND Some of them will be happy enough with the exchange, gallant lads! — For God’s sake, that’s the motorcade now — Can’t you hear?
Motorcars arrive. Plump figures get out, among them a weedier-looking one, wrapped in heavy furs and with large earmuffs. Little more than two blubbery lips are visible.
FIRST There you are, see it with your own eyes: the commander in chief at the front, inspecting troops just returned victorious from battle, engages in conversation with the humblest of his men.
SECOND He has a charming manner. Just look how their hearts fly out to him.
FIRST He’s having an electrifying effect!
SECOND If only I could hear what he’s saying. What’s he saying?
FIRST Nothing. But he’s smiling.
(There can now be heard, as the Emperor passes from man to man, from one platoon to the next, at regular intervals of five seconds, either “Aha! Very nice!” or “Aha! Very good!” or “Aha! Very fine!” or “Aha! Carry on!” It continues for two hours. The officers then say goodbye. The cars depart.)
COLONEL (to major) The following order is to be announced this evening: “His Majesty was full of praise for the regiment. Both the spirit and the appearance of the troops are excellent, the courage mirrored in the eyes of each and every man is incomparable. His Majesty was particularly pleased that the losses suffered by the regiment were small. His Majesty’s concluding words were: ‘So, Colonel, this regiment can truly be counted, as in the past, among the troops most loyal to their Emperor and their Fatherland, and in the battles ahead, which will be hard but which we shall win, will gallantly stand its ground to the last and so add laurel upon laurel to its banner.’ To which I replied: ‘Yes indeed, Your Majesty, that I promise.’”
CAPTAIN (to the soldiers) What you experienced here today, you can tell to your children and your children’s children — if you so desire! But first, the watchword is: into battle and victory! And above all — off with those new uniforms at once!
FIRST WAR CORRESPONDENT Well, was that worth the trouble? At minus 28 degrees centigrade, it’s no picnic!
SECOND WAR CORRESPONDENT You’re telling me! I don’t like these missions! The theatre’s my thing — as General Hoehn very well knows! I’ll just have to speak to divisional headquarters about a theatre at the front. The general really took to the idea.
FIRST WAR CORRESPONDENT A theatre at the front? But they’re already taking off their makeup!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 38
Hofburg Palace. Press office.
CAPTAIN WERKMANN (dictating) Esteemed editor! I would deem it a great kindness if you would publish in full, if feasible, today’s reports of His Majesty’s inspections of the troops and the visit by Empress Zita to the army kitchens at Ottakring. As it is, the reports are by no means overlong. I’d wish to stress the depiction of the homage paid to Their Majesties. I was myself a witness to these truly overwhelming tributes, and certainly did not exaggerate them in my report. Allow me to convey to you my sincerest thanks in advance. Most respectfully yours—
So, and now this:
Esteemed editor!
I am very anxious that the report of the attack led by His Imperial Highness Archduke Max, as carried by the Österreichisch-ungarische Kriegskorrespondenz on the 27th of this month, should be given the widest possible distribution. Accordingly, I would ask you to ensure reliable publication of this report in your esteemed journal. Allow me to convey to you my sincerest thanks in advance. Most respectfully yours—
(Change of scene.)
Scene 39
Kärntnerstrasse. Passersby surround an operetta star. A car from the Hofburg stops, greeted by passersby. A lackey opens the car door.
ARCHDUKE MAX (calling out from the car) Hi there, Werner — Fritzl, my dear boy! Coming along to Sacher’s with me?
OPERETTA STAR No can do, Your Highness — I’ve got a date with a pretty girl! (Both are cheered.)
ARCHDUKE MAX Ah! Well, so long, old boy!
(The lackey closes the door. The car drives off.)
NEWSPAPER VENDOR —Austrian advances on the Piave!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 40
A side street. In a doorway, a soldier with two medals on his chest. His cap is pulled down low over his face. At his side, his little daughter, who has been guiding him, and who now stoops to pick up a cigarette butt from the pavement, which she puts in his pocket. In the courtyard of the house, a disabled soldier with a hurdy-gurdy.
SOLDIER That’s enough now. (He pulls out a wooden pipe, into which the girl stuffs the tobacco from the cigarette butts.)
LIEUTENANT (who has passed by, turns round, infuriated at not being saluted) Are you blind?
SOLDIER Yes.
LIEUTENANT What? — Oh, I see—
(He turns away. The soldier, guided by the girl, leaves in the opposite direction. The hurdy-gurdy plays the “Long Live Habsburg” march.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 41
Army High Command.
MAJOR (to another) There’s really nothing, nothing but hassles from the fronts. Devilishly depressing reports yet again, I don’t have a clue what to do. If I pass them on to Waldstätten, he gets mad at me, if I don’t pass them on, he still gets mad. What can you do? Look at this:
“Some regiments are in urgent need of an improvement in rations, to keep the men’s energy levels up. In one division the average soldier’s weight is 50 kilos.” There you have it! — And this one:
“Every deserter in the rear, even if he has to live hiding in the woods, can sustain himself better than a soldier at the front.” Deserter! How can you even write the word! “As for clothing, a full outfit is often no longer present, since shirt or underpants or both are missing. Some have no longer any sleeves in their shirts, some are missing the back, and others have only half their underpants or bits of rags for their feet. Those with malarial fever are made to wait, naked, until their rags have been washed and dried.” Rags! What insolence! The liberties they take when they report to us from the front! Almost implying that we’re responsible — as if! “In one regiment every third soldier has no coat. There are sentries with helmets and coats, but no trousers.” Well, that’s a sight for sore eyes! “It’s no longer a question of a soldier’s self-respect or sense of honour, it’s simply an affront to human dignity.” Come on, cool it, fellows! The sheer insolence! Those guys at the front understand neither the exigencies of war nor the appropriate way to communicate with High Command. It’s as if we started the war! And the things they dream up! Listen to this:
“To raise morale, it would be advisable to allocate the younger members of the Royal and Imperial House to fighting units and to the particularly difficult sectors of the front.” Well, I ask you — surely that’s an insult to members of the Imperial House! No, no, my friend, that’s over the top, laying on royals to raise the soldiers’ spirits — there are other ways we can put fire in their bellies! It’s pure defeatism — sending members of the Imperial House to the front! Make things worse!
SECOND MAJOR Why get so worked up? Think we could ever chivvy ’em into going?