INSPECTOR Larking about with a sabre when there’s a war on — you’ll pay dearly for that, my girl. And the third time, too, that I’m aware of.
GIRL WITHOUT SABRE (pointing to lieutenant) Oh please, he’s my friend. Aren’t you, Pipsi, aren’t you my friend?
OFFICER WITH SABRE (pointing to butcher’s boy) Take him, too. He touched my sabre!
BUTCHER’S BOY Oh please, I’m innocent—!
INSPECTOR And did you pay her the wages of sin, Pöffl?
GIRL WITHOUT SABRE (calling back as she is led away) I’m not one of them—! I was just looking for a bit of fun! — He owes me 20 crowns—! Twenty crowns—! Swindled me, the rotten devil—
BUTCHER’S BOY What a trollop! The lieutenant surely won’t be having anything to do with the likes of her!
OFFICER WITH SABRE He touched my sabre! (Makes to draw his sabre.) Front-line rookies! Motherfuckers! Whoever touches me — not so fast — fondles my noodle — for king and cuntry — ooaah — (He pukes up. The others drag him away. The street is deserted.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 46
Two devotees of the Reichspost, asleep.
FIRST DEVOTEE OF THE REICHSPOST (speaking in his sleep) — and asked for the homage of his loyal people to be laid on steps of the imperial throne. Mayor Weiskirchner responded: My beloved Viennese, we are all living through an age of grandeur, in unswerving loyalty we pay homage to our venerable and beloved Emperor, tumultuous cheering, we also remember and honour our ally in shining armour, thunderous applause, and today—
SECOND DEVOTEE OF THE REICHSPOST (speaking in his sleep) — and today the Italian ambassador visited our minister to deliver the solemn declaration that loyal Italy stands side by side with Austria, delirious storm of ovation — Dagoes!—
FIRST In Prague, Brno, and Budweis — everywhere they are rejoicing at the Emperor’s decisions.
SECOND At the Emperor’s summer residence in Bad Ischl!
FIRST In Sarajevo they sang God Preserve our Gracious Emperor.
SECOND Prince Alfred Windischgrätz has volunteered for military service.
FIRST His Majesty has been straining every nerve and sinew all day long.
SECOND The Father of the Army.
FIRST On 27 July 1914, between 12 noon and 1 pm, the financial arrangements for the war were finalized at the Post Office Savings Bank.
SECOND The supply of provisions to Vienna for the duration of the war was settled by the Mayor in collaboration with the prime minister and the minister of agriculture.
FIRST No price rises because of the war.
SECOND Nothing but enhanced virtues.
FIRST What a treasure trove of enhanced virtues has already been bestowed upon us by this war!
SECOND War is a harsh taskmaster for the nations.
FIRST A Promethean bringer of light and clarity.
SECOND Light-bringing — life-giving — Dagoes!
FIRST Wars are processes that reform people’s character and purify them, they’re seedbeds of virtue and inspiration for heroes.
SECOND A renaissance of Austrian thought and action.
FIRST A clean sweep!
SECOND Rat-a-tat-tat — and that’s that!
FIRST We are for peace, though not for peace at—
SECOND —at all costs!
FIRST In Lemberg we are still—
SECOND —holding on.
FIRST First take Belgrade, then take a second breakfast — intimate family affair — then a relaxing stroll—
SECOND —with a spring in our steps and a song in our hearts—
FIRST Confound their politics—
SECOND —Frustrate their knavish tricks—
BOTH —Long to reign over us, God save the Emperor!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 47
First-class compartment. In the unlit corridor a pile of luggage and bodies.
LIEUTENANT-COLONEL MADERER VON MULLATSCHAK OF THE GENERAL STAFF (lies drunk in the compartment, mumbling) Nice bit o’ fluff — for blindman’s buff — my popsy wopsy! — Woops! — Ups-a-daisy — drives me crazy — can’t get enough! D’you get that half ton of dried veg.? — What? What? No, no, no! — Y’don’t mean it? 100,000 crowns a truckload, you’ve clinched it?! — I haven’t yet — you little rascal! little rascal! — I–I’ve — a co — loss — al deal in pork bellies — up my — sleeve — no, not thieves, sleeves! — Kinkering Congs their titles take — he can kiss my arse — What? That idiotic point of honour — Le — Leleopold — he can take his Lleopold Order and st — I’ll bang out the “Radetzky March” on yr backside today — point of honour! — scum! — let’m tell his mother-in-law if he wants — she knows how to cut a deal — or his aunt — good luck t’em! — if I cd make ’em an Arch-duch-ess-timate — I’d clean out the Treasury — and that Sal — Salvator! — ye gods, what a laugh! — what, my pet? — what a load of tripe! — I’m covered — what — Mariska darling — hee hee, ho, ho! — I’m — top-notch — with a nice savings account — that’s my point of honour! — Woops! — Ups-a-daisy — my popsy wopsy! — all I say is — I’m very pleased with this war! — Five thousand crowns con — com — commission on every truckload — all registered as military con — consignments — the Jew — pays on the nail — but don’t ’magine — don’t ’magine I haven’t turned a trick or two myself — oh, those pork bellies — those pork bellies — you’ll see — who’re you starin’ at? profeshnal misconduct? — civilian scum — Woops! — I had all the others thrown out of the compartment — you know the rest — my popsy wopsy — hope they drop dead — let’em go hang — no wait, let us string ’em up — kick the bucket — for the Fatherland, if they’re — beyond the pale — Attent — shun! — that drunk — hic! — I had ’im shot — I’m covered — popsy wopsy — I’ll bring you — guess, guess! — tasty, eh? — pork bellies—50 kilos! — (Starts, looks at his watch.) What—11 already? We’re almost there — in Steinbrück — woops! — oh!—now — now — if they just do what they were told — I sent instructions — by telephone — that what’s-his-name should — keep the express train waiting — little does he know, the idiot — that it’s — all for you, my tasty little piece of tail — Christ alive, I’ve got a letch for you right now — why isn’t he here yet — my batman, that lazy cow — we’re almost in Styria — Steinbrück — the bridge — Horatius stood — upon the bridge — brr! — who’re you starin’ at? — Stein — Steinbrück — if he hasn’t messed things up — That was (yawn) — some sleep! — Oh, it’s all — a load of — tripe—
(Change of scene.)
Scene 48
At 3,000 metres.
OFFICER CADET (half asleep) Four years — God, oh God, what’s — it — all — for — Helene — oh — where — are — you—
(Alice Schalek appears.)
ALICE SCHALEK So, what are you feeling right now, what are you thinking about, you must be thinking of something — (Artillery salvo.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 49
Optimist and Grumbler in conversation.
OPTIMIST If only it were over! What do you say about the English and French desecrating the graves and corpses? German propaganda maintains that the bones of the fallen are being processed and fat extracted from the corpses.