MAGOG Spot-on! We’ll soon put that lot to bed, make no mistake! Sorted! A lousy bunch of gangsters, I’m telling you. They’re trying to make out that America wouldn’t have got involved if we hadn’t intensified the U-boat war. But the U-boat war can’t be intensified enough! That Wilson — an arch-hypocrite and a no-brainer, don’tya think?
GOG I’ve had it up to here with him!
MAGOG He’s a nonstarter!
GOG Sheer bluff! Scheming nonstop! Here’s how things stand: thanks to our towering triumph at Brest-Litovsk, we freed up an enormous number of troops. Once the Russkies have been finished off, then everything else follows. Then our little friends will start feeling the heat. Then let Uncle Sam come across the Pond!
MAGOG At all events, we’ve got Belgium as security. We need a solid naval base, we need a robust air base, we need colonies, and, of course, we need that iron-ore basin. Not to mention all the other things we need. Everyone can see our heavy industry needs to be fully operational — except our idiotic enemies. If there’s to be any talk of peace, under no circumstances must we enter into negotiations about Alsace-Lorraine!
GOG Absolutely. The enemy’s double-talk is a clear sign they doan want peace.
MAGOG They’re just stuck in a rigid mentality and can’t get out.
GOG At least we now know who’s procastinating the war. As to who started it — we’ve known that all along.
MAGOG All we Germans can do is see it through to the bitter end.
GOG If those League of Nations twits maintain they’re fighting for a moral idea, we have to answer with brute force. Just let that clown on the other side of the Pond try it on with his “humanity.”
MAGOG I always say — patience and keep your powder dry. They won’t believe their eyes when they find us Berliners — whoosh! — in Baghdad. By express train!
GOG (looking out of the window) Still not there? — Run out of steam, have we? — Surely not! — What d’ya think of our guys interned in Switzerland — sturdy fellows, eh?
MAGOG Oh, you mean the Hindenburg pageant on the Rütli Meadow?
GOG And the Rütli Oath — they’ve even compared that to our Oath of Allegiance!
MAGOG Splendid, I’d like to have been there, too! When our confederates come marching in, that’ll put new wind in their sails, oh yes! What d’ya say to our plucky compatriots in Lugano? They really made it so uncomfortable for the enemy consuls, they were obliged to leave the hotel, the manager had to give in.
GOG There’s not enough action. Switzerland needs ethnic cleansing! There was someone speaking French in the tram in Zurich the other day! I kicked up a shindy at once, told the fellow to his face that that was a breach of neutrality. You should’ve been there! The scoundrel was too flabbergasted to speak! Then in Berne, Trudchen was in a cake shop and insisted the assistant say cream, not crème. They’d run out of cream, but still Trudchen stuck to her guns. Didn’t you, Trudikins? Giv’us a nice big smacker, then. (He kisses her.)
TRUDCHEN Yes, my darling doodle.
MAGOG Sadly, those are just isolated incidents. Our embassy should take a much tougher line. We’re not doing half enough to win the sympathy of the neutrals.
GOG Our propaganda isn’t working. Sure, now and again the odd bomb gets dropped, but it all turns sour.
MAGOG And it’ll get worse — there’ll be a heavy price to pay. It’s true they’ll be afraid of us after we’ve won the war, but we should be putting out feelers already and making ’em love us to bits.
GOG Oh, things won’t change much here, one way or the other. Back home — yes; but—
MAGOG So what d’ya think’ll be the difference between the time before the war and, y’know, the time after the war — in general?
GOG Very simple. Before the war we worked from eight to seven, after the war we’ll work from seven to eight.
MAGOG Absolutely. British envy—
GOG French revanchism and
MAGOG —Russian rapacity
GOG —forced this war upon us.
MAGOG But I’ll tell ya this — foreigners are still a factor we mustn’t ignore! Even when they’re beaten, we have to make ourselves respected and loved! That’s vital, believe you me. Defusing hatred — that’s what real propaganda should be aiming at. Even if they’ve been bled white, those jerks must never be allowed to forget that we are the Nation of Poets and Thinkers!
(From the next compartment comes the sound of a French song.)
GOG What a nerve! In a neutral country! Let’s show ’em who’s in charge! (He strikes up “Deutschland, Deutschschland über alles.” Magog joins in, also Trudchen. The song from the next compartment breaks off.)
MAGOG Aha — here we are! (They waddle out of the compartment.)
GOG (outside) Well, just look at that sunshine, and that sky!
MAGOG Big business! And that snow is worth every cent!
GOG And the glacier — they doan make ’em like that every day!
MAGOG And the air—!
GOG You can forget about your gas mask here! Ahh — the Fountain of Youth! At last Germany has its place in the sun! — boy, oh boy! (half singing) No froggy officers cross the Rhine, parlez-vous! Well, Trudikins? Aren’t you pleased your hubby doesn’t have to fight-for-’is-Fatherland, eh?
TRUDCHEN Yes, Siegfried darling.
(As the group moves off, it is as if their giant black silhouette momentarily blots out the glittering white and blue of the whole universe.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 51
A barracks in Siberia. Undernourished men, their hair turned grey, barefoot, in tattered uniforms, crouch on the ground, vacantly staring out into the distance. A few are asleep, a few are writing.
AN AUSTRIAN CAPTAIN (enters and shouts) You filthy swine!
(They rise and perform a salute. While some stand to attention, the others practise rifle drill with shovels.)
(Change of scene.)
Scene 52
Northern Railway Station, Vienna. The platform bathed in pale morning light. Refreshments for the troops. Officials, dignitaries. A prisoner-of-war exchange train has just arrived carrying wounded soldiers. Bodies writhing in convulsions are unloaded from the carriages on stretchers. The stretchers are lined up.
A VOICE Make sure the relatives don’t push to the front.
(Members of the association Laurels for Our Heroes and officials in formal dress take up position in front of the waiting crowd. A military band arrives.)
A SECOND VOICE Two hours late it was, now it’s ’ere and we’ve been standin ’ere for two hours and still them as oughta be ’ere ain’t ’ere.
A THIRD VOICE So what — eight days from Sweden, can’t complain!
(Ten gentlemen in frockcoats arrive and position themselves in such a way that they can observe what’s happening, but almost completely block off the view to others. From the moment they arrive, the stretchers are no longer visible. While each of the 10 takes out a notebook, two officials approach the group and exchange introductions.)
ZAWADIL Spielvogel.
SPIELVOGEL Zawadil.
BOTH (speaking together) A dismal morning. We’ve been here since six to make the arrangements.
ANGELO EISNER V. EISENHOF (joins them and speaks intently with one of the 10. They all begin to write. He points to various figures who crane their necks and try to push forward through the rows of people. He motions to each in reassurance, gesturing towards the 10 and miming the act of writing, as if to signal that their presence has been duly noted. Meanwhile Hofrat Schwarz-Gelber and his wife have managed to get close to those writing and to tap one of them on the shoulder.)