Gentlemen — we live in an age of grandeur and its priceless fruits for our Fatherland are still ripening — its prestige in the world — and, above all, what we owe to this steel bath is the indescribable spiritual uplift we have experienced. Is that of no account? Only one more step and we have won invincible laurels! That is why I say — and this goes for the officer corps as well as the rank and file — trust in God and keep your powder dry, gentlemen! You’re the last line of defence, so, never forget, it’s down to you! You know who has called us to the colours! His Majesty! (cheering) — our most gracious Emperor! (cheering) — each of us to the best of our ability, whatever our plight, yet will we fight — unto death! — through storm and stress, however perilous and exacting the strategy, as befits a doughty warrior! (Cheering) — May God comfort and sustain us! I raise my glass to our indomitable allies — whom we see here as a reminder of our Special Relationship, who are tried and tested in the heat of battle, standing shoulder to shoulder with us for better or for worse! (Cheering and cries of “Hurrah!”) His Majesty the German Kaiser and His Majesty, our Commander-in-Chief, our most gracious Emperor and King, and the whole Imperial House — Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! (Thunderous cheering and cries of “Hurrah!” General clinking of glasses. He sits down.) — What’s that you’re serving?
ORDERLY Beg to report, Excellency, sir — hand grenades.
GENERAL (roars with laughter) They’re bombes glacées, but here we call them hand grenades! All right, then — fire away with the hand grenades!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Hand grenades, bring ’em on! — By Jove! Aren’t you Austrians the little devils! Well, we’ve been making mincemeat of the pigs we slaughtered — cold cuts with blood sausage (laughter) — and for just desserts: whipped cream torpedoes. (He sings)
Our customers, I guarantee,
are sorry to depart.
They get blown up and sunk maybe,
but we do it from the heart!
(Cheering and cries of “Hurrah!” Laughter.)
GENERAL To the German U-boat! (Cheering and cries of “Hurrah!” Clinking of glasses.)
PRUSSIAN COLONEL I’m not one for speeches, Excellency, and as for making a toast — that’s beyond me at the moment. Your good Hungarian wine has seen to that. (Laughter.) But this much I can say — your words went straight to my German heart! Where there’s a lack of discipline, the end is nigh. The doom and gloom that’s taken hold of you Austrians back home would soon have the front teetering, too — no two ways about it — (a captain has collapsed under the table, provoking general agitation.)
GENERAL It’s those scribblers’ fault! What are they after — we’re as pure as the driven snow!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Hold on. Your whining for peace really was unseemly. You shot yourselves in the foot there. And that’s the spirit that threatens to infect your front.
GENERAL Hear that? Discipline is essential, no two ways about it!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Ludendorff has every confidence in you, Excellency.
GENERAL Too kind. Oh yes, it’s true, I look at the human raw material I’m sent — but I look at these gentlemen, too! Time to fill in a few gaps again — especially the cavalry training units — the antiaircraft crews aren’t too bad — and our medics are in general doing a great job — they do what they can, passing the latest bodies of men as fit for service. They’ve all been grafted already. Y’know, the replacements—
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Replacements? — Grafted? — Artificial limbs? — Oh, you mean—.
GENERAL I meant drafted, not grafted!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL (distant artillery fire) Say — things are warming up today.
GENERAL (wiping his brow) Hellish hot in here.
(A telephone officer appears, goes to the General Staff duty officer, and hands him a dispatch. The duty officer opens it, rises, staggers over to the general, and whispers in his ear.)
GENERAL The idiots!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL What’s up?
GENERAL Advance position taken. Withdraw to second line. That’s Wottawa’s fault!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL What a pain! Well, caught on the wrong foot again with your celebration, eh? (The band strikes up a Viennese song.) Ah, delightful! (He sings along) Let’s crack another bottle o’ wine — hollodrioh — Let’s crack another bottle o’ wine — hollodrioh — Is this your shout, or is it mine? — (Looking around) But wait, I don’t know some of these gentlemen — (he points to a group of officers.)
GENERAL (beckons) You, there! (The officers rise.)
LIEUTENANT OF HUSSARS Géza von Lakkati de Némesfalva et Kutjafelegfaluszég.
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Funny name. Cheerful fellow.
GENERAL He’s one of the red devils.
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Red devils — gung-ho! The splendid Honved militia!
CAPTAIN Romuald Kurzbauer.
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Viennese?
GENERAL No, from Salzburg.
LIEUTENANT Stanislaus v. Zakrychiewicz.
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Croat?
GENERAL A Pole, a Pole.
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Ah, a noble Pole!
SECOND-LIEUTENANT Petričič.
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Romanian?
GENERAL No, a Croat.
LIEUTENANT Iwaschko.
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Czech?
GENERAL Romanian.
CAPTAIN Koudjela.
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Italian?
GENERAL Just a Czech!
CAPTAIN OF HORSE Felix Bellak, Baggage officer.
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Aha. (Those who were introduced sit down. The senior medical officer clinks glasses with the senior military prosecutor. The field rabbi with the army chaplain.) Our Holy-water-sprinklers, eh? Chin up! Look lively, look lively! That’s it!
CAPTAIN That’s our valiant anti-temptation weapon!
(Peals of laughter, in which the army chaplain joins.)
ARMY CHAPLAIN Truly, truly — I can put a damper on lusty spirits!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL A damper? Charming expression! Presumably for damage limitation? He’s from the provinces, I guess?