ARMY CHAPLAIN No, colonel, from Linz.
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Ah, lovely Linz, amidst the greenery of Styria!
GENERAL Let’s have something from one of my talented younger gentlemen now!
CHIEF SUPPLY OFFICER Wowes!
GENERAL Wowes! To the piano! At the double!
WOWES (sits at the piano, plays and sings along)
When I see you — at your window—
How my heart — misses a beat.
How I long — to be back with you.
For you make — my life complete.
(Cries of: “Bravo Wowes!”)
WOWES It’s not finished yet!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL (humming and nodding) You make — my life complete. Very nice!
WOWES (continuing)
When I’m with you — in your bed—
I lie happy — all day long.
I don’t want — ever to leave it.
For it is — where I belong.
(Laughter. Cries of: “Bravo Wowes!”)
PRUSSIAN COLONEL (humming and nodding) For it is — where I belong. Splendid chap! (Raises his glass to him.)
GENERAL He composes them himself! And he does conjuring tricks as well. Prestige actor! He could entertain the whole company!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Y’don’t say.
GENERAL Yes, he’s a cheeky young blighter! But I won’t have him sent to the front line. I’ve just put him up for the Silver Medal first class. (Rumbling of guns.)
GERMAN GENERAL STAFF OFFICER Long live Austrian hospitality! (Cheering and cries of “Hurrah!” Clinking of glasses.)
SENIOR MEDICAL OFFICER Long live German organization! (Cheering and cries of “Hurrah!” Clinking of glasses.)
GENERAL Oho! And ours — gentlemen! — We’re orgy-nized too! — O yes! Don’t think we’re — always feeling — so muddled — (The band strikes up “Tonight I’m Feeling Fuddled.” Laughter and singing at the end of the table.) What’r’you laughing at?
CAPTAIN OF HORSE (singing) Tonight I’m — feeling—
CHIEF SUPPLY OFFICER Who’s that just tootled in—? (Laughter.)
(A telephone officer rushes in, goes to the General Staff duty officer, and hands him a dispatch. The duty officer opens it, rises, staggers over to the general, and whispers in his ear.)
GENERAL What imbeciles!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL What’s up?
GENERAL (reads) Position — knocked out. Lines of approach under — under heavy annihilating fire — Those squinty idiots — go and ruin everything when we were sitting pretty. (Drops the dispatch.) What the hell — complete no-brainer!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL (lifting the dispatch) Reserves deployed. Sector reserves totally exhausted. Batteries must be withdrawn to fallback position — Good God! (Louder rumbling of guns.)
GENERAL STAFF DUTY OFFICER (to orderly) Don’t keep filling my glass. I need a — clear head — today. How many boots and caps we lost he doesn’t say, of course. Numskull!
GERMAN GENERAL STAFF OFFICER Boots and caps?
GENERAL STAFF DUTY OFFICER Y’know — men and officers.
PRUSSIAN COLONEL You Austrian fellows seem to have had more success with your peace offensives. Let’s hope Hindenburg will sort things out. Another fine mess you’ve got us into, we’ll have to get you off the hook again!
GENERAL Gentlemen — we are proud — proud — to stand shoulder to shoulder with — our battle-hardened allies — in shining armour — gentlemen, I raise my glass to the Special Relationship — in this alliance — that has now been expanded — (Cries of “Bravo!”) — and — and—
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Intensified! (Cheering and cries of “Hurrah!” The band plays “The Watch on the Rhine”, followed by “Hail to Thee in Laurels Crowned.”) Thank you, gentlemen — thank you! Skipping the pomp and circumstance, and without further ado — let’s keep the “happy and glorious” until the final victory! For now, let’s have another of your delightful Austrian songs — one by that splendid Lehár, who gave us such pleasure on the Western Front. (Cries of: “Bravo!”)
GENERAL Play “Call me Cuddle Bunny”!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Cuddle — what’s that then? Ah, Cuddle Bunny, capital! (The band strikes up the melody.)
GENERAL But what’s up with those who plump up the pillows in the field hospitals? The girls are off-colour today. Why aren’t you singing along?
CAPTAIN OF HORSE (calling out across the table) Sister Paula — what a lovely rump — spotless—! Sister Ludmilla tails along behind!
SISTER PAULA (screeches) Oi! — Hold your tongue — you dreadful man!
CAPTAIN OF HORSE What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with that? Can’t a man pay a compliment any more?
SISTER LUDMILLA He’s forever making lewd remarks.
LIEUTENANT He’s longing for those fun-boobies!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Fun-boobies? The names you people come up with — what’s that supposed to mean—? (The general explains.)
CHIEF SUPPLY OFFICER Let the girls sing a duet! (Cries of “A duet!”)
LIEUTENANT The field rabbi should sing one with the army chaplain, too! (Cries of “A duet!”)
ANOTHER LIEUTENANT The field rabbi can yodel from alp to alp — and the army chaplain can — er — do it the other way round — (Peals of laughter.)
PRUSSIAN CAPTAIN Wonderful!
THIRD LIEUTENANT That’s fantabulous! (Loud rumbling of guns.)
ARTILLERY OFFICER They’re really laying it on today — listen, you guys—! They’ve got rhythm!
FIELD CHAPLAIN (singing) Macaroni’s off the menu, the battlefield’s our only venue! So there they lie, those dirty rats — had their noses all squashed flat! (Laughter; others join in singing.)
SEVERAL Cheers, Reverend! (Clinking of glasses.)
PRUSSIAN COLONEL I fear it’s hotting up today!
GENERAL (wiping his brow) The dog days. (The band plays “On the Banks of the Manzanares.”)
(The telephone officer rushes in, goes directly to the general, and whispers in his ear.)
GENERAL What! Those miserable — pathetic front-line fogies—!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL What’s up?
GENERAL I — don’t — understand. I — explicitly — said—
PRUSSIAN COLONEL Come on, you guys, don’t start cracking up, just as we have victory in the bag!
GENERAL Gentlemen — we’re up shit creek!
PRUSSIAN COLONEL (to telephone officer) What’s happened?
TELEPHONE OFFICER (extremely agitated, stammering) The first of the divisions in full retreat are already at corps headquarters — the artillery has all been abandoned — the roads are totally blocked by the baggage train — the troops are demoralized — the enemy cavalry is on their heels. (Exit. The colonel speaks forcefully to the general. The others are in desultory conversation.)
CAPTAIN Say — Koudjela—
KOUDJELA Uh huh.
CAPTAIN That upside-down cake! Pretty good pudding — Really was!
KOUDJELA Uh huh.
CAPTAIN Say — Koudjela—
KOUDJELA Uh huh.
CAPTAIN A good wine! Really good!
KOUDJELA Uh huh.
LIEUTENANT-COLONEL (to a sleeping colonel) Hey, Colonel!