PROPRIETOR What an imbroglio, but if you gentlemen are from the Voluntary Committee—
FOURTH Look, why did you call your coffeehouse that in the first place? That was shortsighted.
PROPRIETOR But gentlemen, how could I have known? I feel bad about it myself now. Look, the reason I called it that is because we’re right beside the Western Station, and that’s where the English milords arrive during the season — so they should feel at home straight away—
FIRST So, did you ever have an English lord in your coffeehouse?
PROPRIETOR I’ll say! Those were the days! Heavens, yes!
FIRST Congratulations! But look, none of them can come now anyway.
PROPRIETOR Thank God for that! — Gott strafe England! — but look, people have got used to the name, and after the war, when, God willing, the English customers come back — look, give me a break!
FIRST Sorry, mister, the voice of the people can’t make allowances for things like that, and the voice of the people, as you will know only too well—
PROPRIETOR Of course, we entrepreneurs are aware — aren’t we more or less a people’s café—but — what am I going to call it then?
SECOND Don’t worry about that, we won’t hurt you — it’ll only take a second — and quite painless. (He scratches out the “i.”)
PROPRIETOR Eh? — what’s that going to turn it into, then?
SECOND There. Now you get a painter to put in a ü.
PROPRIETOR A ü? Café Westmünster—?
SECOND A ü! It means just the same, and it’s German. Kosher! Not a soul will notice any change, but everyone will be aware it’s something quite different. So, what do you say?
PROPRIETOR Genius, pure genius! I’ll have the painter come right away. Thank you for your indulgence, gentlemen. It’ll stay that way for the duration. It’s fine for as long as the war lasts. Afterwards, of course, I’ll probably — what do you think the lords would say if they came back and saw the ü? They wouldn’t believe their eyes!
(Two customers are just leaving the coffeehouse and saying good-bye to each other. One says: “Adieu!” The other: “Adio!”)
FIRST What was that? You’ve got French and Italian customers? One says “Adieu” and the other even says “Adio”? You seem to have an international clientele — something suspicious there—
PROPRIETOR Look here, just because somebody says “Adieu”—
SECOND But didn’t you hear the first one say “Adio”? That’s the language of the archenemy!
THIRD —those cunning basturds!
FOURTH —the perfidious double-crosser on the River Po!
FIRST Exactly! The traitor who was our archenemy!
SECOND Our archenemy, who double-crossed us!
THIRD On the Po!
FOURTH On the Popo! And don’t you forget it!
(The proprietor has retreated, step by step, into the café.)
FIRST (calling after him) English Dago! A wop on the popo!
SECOND That’ll larn him t’use furren words. On to the next!
THIRD Well, look at that, we’ve struck it lucky today: Söldner & Chini! That’s the same mélange as at the coffeehouse. Söldner — everyone knows the English are mercenaries — and Chini — that’s an Italian!
FIRST May God punish England and destroy Italy — paper over the whole thing! Chemical dry cleaners? We’ll make a clean sweep of them! That gets my goat! By tomorrow the whole district must be purged of un-German words. If I find one more, I’ll have his guts for garters! (The second man pastes over the sign.)
THIRD We’d better separate, you two stay here on the boulevard, we’ll go across vis-à-vis.
FIRST Beg pardon, but I can’t come today, I’ve got to get off, pronto — I have a rendezvous.
SECOND That creates an impasse. Without you we risk a contretemps. As for me, I’m blasé about any imbroglio, but people are on the qui vive, and if we get into a fracas—
FOURTH As far as I’m concerned it’s a mere bagatelle — but we could end up in a mêlée. It hasn’t eventuated yet, but—
SECOND Yes, I know, we must avoid a debacle. Savoir faire, I always say, harmonize with people! Don’t submit to force majeure! We must be resolute and persevere in our patriotic operation. Atupri!
THIRD Absolutely, but what if someone argues — as people do — that we’re destroying his raison d’etre — and starts some brouhaha, or even gets furioso, then—
FIRST O, come on! Complete no-brainer! Or just riposte, stante pede, that there are higher interests at stake now! Then he’ll accept force majeure. After all, people have plenty of savvy. No need for long discussions. You’ll get nowhere by entering into parpourlers with all and sundry.
SECOND But what if he gets enraged — people get etepetete so quickly—
FIRST Then you just call him an agent provocateur, basta! So, nil desperandum! Let’s rendezvous tomorrow, and I’ll act as your aide again. Heavens, it’s a quarter to five, I’ve got to go, pronto — or by jingo I’ll be late — so, bonne chance tonight! — Adieu—!
THIRD Ciao!
FOURTH Servitore!
SECOND Orevar!
FIRST (turning back) Apropos, if anyone protests, you can simply legitimize yourselves as interim volunteers from the Provisional Central Committee of the Executive Commission of the League for Language Purification and a General Boycott of Foreign Words. Adio!
(Change of scene.)
Scene 9
A primary school.
TEACHER ZEHETBAUER —But higher ideals have now descended upon us, so promoting the tourist trade has to be put on hold and can occupy only a fallback position. Nevertheless, we must not lose heart since it is our duty — after each of us has made a start and done his bit for the Fatherland — to keep right on to the end of the road, unswerving and undaunted. The tender shoots of tourism which we have planted far and wide, and which have also taken root in your young hearts as nurtured by our highly esteemed national school inspector and our esteemed district school inspector — these shoots, I say, must not be crushed under the iron heel of our battalions, indispensable as they may be in this age of grandeur, but on the contrary must be forever tended with loving care. It is certainly essential at this time that each and every one of us should stand our ground like a man — and that means you, too. You too must go into action, go to your parents or guardians and request the splendid children’s game “Let’s Play World War” as a surprise birthday present, or, since Christmas is almost upon us, “Death to the Russians” I can also tell you that, as a reward for your good work and behaviour, and of course subject to the approval of your esteemed parents or guardians, each of you shall be permitted this Sunday to drive a nail into the emblematic Iron Warrior, each nail signifying—
CLASS Oh, great!
(A boy raises his hand.)
TEACHER What is it, Gasselseder?
GASSELSEDER Please, sir, I already did drive in a nail with my father. May I drive in another one?
TEACHER If your esteemed parents or guardians permit, the school authorities will raise no objection to your patriotic desire to drive in another nail.
(A boy raises his hand.)
What is it, Czeczowiczka?
SECOND BOY Please, sir, I have to go.
TEACHER Go? You’re too young to go, hang on until you’re a bit older.
BOY Please, sir, I have to.
TEACHER I cannot grant your request at this time. Shame on you! Why do you want to go?