LOAN SHARK Is that a fact. You’ll see Katz rising in the world, then. He won’t know what to turn his hand to next. Wait and see, he’ll end up ennobled yet. The likes of us are content with less. You know what I’d like? I’d like to drive a nail into the Iron Warrior beside the Imperial Hotel, just for fun. Why don’t we, what are you afraid of? We’d be in good company, so why not, you pay a crown and you get a certificate with your name on it for future generations, for the historical record!
AGENT Spare me such idiocies.
LOAN SHARK There’s Bermann! Exempted!
BERMANN Hi there!
LOAN SHARK Come with us and drive a nail into the Iron Warrior, Bermann!
BERMANN I’ve nailed it already. (Exit.)
LOAN SHARK All right, I’ll go by myself, then.
AGENT I don’t hold with such fatuous nonsense.
LOAN SHARK What d’you mean, nonsense? Look at the sort of people — that was some idea! It’ll rake it in for our brave soldiers, and you get a memento to the grandeur of the age, don’t you see — (A well-dressed lady passes by, they both stand rooted to the spot.)
BOTH Between ourselves—
AGENT Did you hear that Raubitschek and Barber are giving themselves airs with their Red Cross medals?
LOAN SHARK There’s something going on there. Wonder how much they had to pay?
AGENT Chicken feed. Though they’d have paid for the Grand Cross too, if they could have. Except it’s only for services rendered and costs a bomb!
LOAN SHARK Well, I ask you, who can afford that, and those that can would sooner have a title. Eduard Feigl, the canned food king, is going to be a baron, they say. As soon as there’s peace.
AGENT Who can think of peace right now? We’ve other things to worry about.
LOAN SHARK So all at once you’re a warmonger, eh? Looks to me as if you’ve got something big brewing? Have I guessed right?
AGENT Something big, spot on, newshound that you are, something big! A man’s got to live.
LOAN SHARK You’re right. I always say: war is war. Look, whether the young people break their necks driving their cars or directly for the Fatherland — I can’t go along with that sort of sentimentality.
AGENT Very true. This constant moaning about the war — I’m sick and tired of it. Sure, some things cost more — but that’s what happens in wartime! You can rest assured, a lot of people taking that line at present will soon change their tune when they hear peace is on the way.
LOAN SHARK Absolutely, we’re right behind it today, body and soul—
AGENT And in the middle of it all, just when they’re beginning to reap the benefits, the war is suddenly called off!
LOAN SHARK A crying shame — for our poor soldiers!
AGENT (gives a loud guffaw) That’s a good one — What did you think I meant? I was talking about business, and you — (he chokes, laughing.) The dust in the air today, it’s scandalous — I’m going to write a letter to the paper about it — headline “The Iron Refuse Collector”—what am I saying, I mean “The Iron Warrior and the Horsefly”—no, that’s not it—
LOAN SHARK I’ve already done my bit, right outside our house for all of three months there’s been—
AGENT Look who’s coming along there, Weiss in uniform! Of all things wonderful—! (Weiss stops, out of sorts.) So, then — you’ve been called up?
WEISS Ages ago, so long I’ve had time to forget. (Exit.)
LOAN SHARK How people change! Who’d have thought a year ago — if someone had told me — that they’d take Weiss! A man who earned the odd crust working for me!
AGENT So what, at any rate, he’s very out of sorts.
LOAN SHARK He couldn’t even afford a pair of trousers. Now he’s wearing the Emperor’s uniform. This is truly an age of grandeur.
AGENT Listen, here’s something I wouldn’t have believed possible, just listen to this: for eight days now I’ve been phoning Kehlendorfer about tickets for Husarenblut. Sold out for the next four weeks. I tell you, the war will be over and we still won’t have seen the blood of the hussars! My wife keeps nagging me—
NEWSPAPER VENDOR —Attack repulsed — All positions captured!
LOAN SHARK I tell you, it doesn’t compare with Herbstmanöver. And the Csardasfürstin, what do you say to that extravaganza! Have you been to the Fürstenkind yet?
AGENT Fürstenkind, of course we’ve been! That’s where — wait a minute — that tremendous joke occurs — it had the whole place in fits. Remember celebrating the battle of the Masurian Swamps, where a whole Russian regiment was slaughtered? The joke turned this into “a bottle of Masurian schnapps.” The house roared when he said it, Marischka — (exeunt.)
FIRST OFFICER (to three others) Evening Nowotny, evening Pokorny, evening Powolny — the very man! You know all about politics. Come on, tell us, what d’ya think of Italy?
SECOND OFFICER (with walking stick) If you ask me, I’d say treachery, pure and simple.
THIRD OFFICER Yep — spot on — what d’ya expect from them dagoes.
FOURTH OFFICER Absolutely! — I was at a bash in the mess yesterday — d’ya see the Schönpflug cartoon? Fantabulous!
FIRST OFFICER You know what I’ve been wanting to do for ages, I’d like to go to the Gartenbau again.
SECOND OFFICER Go on, are you wounded then?
THIRD OFFICER What d’ya mean, wounded?
FOURTH OFFICER He’s not wounded.
FIRST OFFICER I’m not wounded.
SECOND OFFICER Don’t you know the Gartenbau is a hospital now! (All laugh.)
FIRST OFFICER Oh that’s right, a hospital — (ponders a while.) Y’know, I couldn’t remember that for the life of me — the war has been going on for so long — (a soldier on crutches passes by.)
SECOND OFFICER Shall I give him a dressing-down, after that sloppy salute he gave—
FIRST OFFICER Don’t make a scene. Apropos, what about that Distinguished Service Cross?
NEWSPAPER VENDOR Ene-mee repulsed! Bloody ’and-to-’and foitin! Come and geddit—!
SECOND OFFICER I’ve been put up for it — scandalous how long it takes.
THIRD OFFICER What a shambles!
FOURTH OFFICER What d’ya expect, there’s a war on. Not a tart in sight today.
FIRST OFFICER Y’know what? Let’s go along to Hopfner’s! (Exeunt.)
INTELLECTUAL (to his companion) I can assure you, as long as the mentality of our enemies — (Exeunt.)
POLDI FESCH (to his companion) I’m meant to be out partying with the Sascha Film people tonight — (exeunt.)
(Passing soldiers can be heard singing:“In der Heimat, in der Heimat da gibt’s ein Wiedersehn—”)
(Three black-marketeers, chewing toothpicks, emerge from the grillroom of the Hotel Bristol.)
FIRST BLACK-MARKETEER Listen, I went to a performance by Marcel Salzer yesterday. I tell you, gentlemen, that’s something you shouldn’t miss.
SECOND BLACK-MARKETEER As good as that?
FIRST BLACK-MARKETEER Yes! He recites a poem out loud, by some famous poet, what’s he called? — wait a minute — yes — Ginzkey!
THIRD BLACK-MARKETEER Ginzkey, the carpet people?
FIRST BLACK-MARKETEER Apparently they’re even related. Anyhow, there’s a bit about Tannenberg, and how Hindenburg drives them into the swamps — you must have read about it in the papers at the time, the enthralling description—